Pacific Rim: How The Kaidanovskys Survived

Pacific Rim was a daring film in many ways, not least in how it focused on what were clearly intended to be supporting characters just so that the coolest kaijufuckers in all creation could get on with their jobs.

If a genie ever offers me the job, costume, body, or sex partner of my dreams, the answer will be the crew of the Cherno Alpha, and I don’t care which.

If a genie ever offers me the job, costume, body, or sex partner of my dreams, the answer will be the crew of the Cherno Alpha, and I don’t care which.

How did they survive being crushed and exploded and also drowned by Leatherback?

  • In that last shot she isn’t screaming as the water rushes in, she’s warning the god-damn Pacific to get the hell out of her mech. The exterior “explosion” is actually all the water rushing to obey as quickly as possible. They reboot what’s left of Cherno, grab the limb they lost, and beat Leatherback to death with their own giant severed arm.
  • The explosion blasts the pilots into Leatherback’s open mouth. From there they punch their way into an air bladder and concussively navigate Leatherback to the surface and also to death.
  • They reach through the acid-melted hole in the cockpit pod to tear strips off Leatherback and seal the rents. Making what’s left of Cherno seaworthy, they erect a sail of Leatherback-leather and sail into the distance and new adventures.
  • You know how that little Dutch boy plugged the hole in the dike? Kaidonovsky man is not little! He plugs the hole in the cockpit pod with his gigantically manly frame. Leatherback is too intimidated by the view to trouble them further.
  • Pressing the “emergency submergence” knob on their shoulderplate, the pilot suits deploys rebreathers, giving them plenty of time to get away. What, you thought their suits were covered in extra bits the other countries didn’t have for fun?
  • Glorious blonde hair doubles as signal flare, comrade! Range hundred miles! Even at bottom of Pacific! Rescue easy! We train hold breath all time.
  • They grit their teeth, grinding oxygen out of the water to breathe, and physical chemistry is simply too terrified to disagree. They swim out and destroy Leatherback hand-to-hand. We find that the Russian government had only constructed Cherno to contain the Kaidanovskys, not assist them, as they go on to defeat the world’s weakened armies and rule the planet, unifying it against all future threats.

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6 thoughts on “Pacific Rim: How The Kaidanovskys Survived

  1. i love you for this. When i watched this movie, the only thing that went through my mind was what is their back story and they better not die dammit! They are awesome!

    • That’s a big problem with the movie, they set up four robots for fighting giant monsters, and in the end only Gypsy Danger does anything.

      And I mean anything, the other two barely annoy one before getting jobbed so hard it ripped the space time continuum and unmade the characters.

      Meanwhile Striker Eureka gets cheated out of two fights in a row. Once to an EMP, the other time to pussing out and self detonating. Because, the two best pilots, piloting the best robot which has viciously wailed on everything it’s got it hands on like tiny babies, decided that there was no way they could take on two monsters at once.

      Despite the fact that Gypsy, the older bot, did that twice in a row and came out on top with the new girl and mister “I did construction for five years before this and am somehow not rusty in the slightest” at the helm.

      No, no I’m sure it was the best possible decision, Mr. Stacker, to kill yourself and your best friends son in an explosion that could easily blow away the other bot if they were at all close. I’m sure that gigantic nuke will not damage the half functioning Gypsy Danger too bad to finish the job you were supposed to be doing. I’m sure your best friend will just get over the death of his only son due to your suicidal tendencies.

      All of that will go a ton better than, you know, doing what you came there to do and actually making a God damn effort.

      For a movie about the triumph of Human spirit and ingenuity, people sure seem to quit a lot. And get taken out like it’s their first day on the job.

  2. As the saying goes, “If there’s no body…”

  3. del toro: “yeah, all these guys are the most awesome giant robot pilots, who had the most epic battles years ago.
    No, we’re not gonna show flashbacks of that.”

  4. Everyone knows that, objectively, these guys should have been the most kick ass bastards in existence.

    The entire time the main character was bumming around feeling sorry for himself, these Russians were of whipping untold amounts of ass. “Boo hoo, my brother died”, is a great excuse to be really sad and disillusioned… Unless, that is, it’s the apocalypse and everyone and their grandma has lost family.

    You don’t see any of the other pilots getting all teary eyed and quitting when they could be busy kicking giant monster ass for vengeance.

    And it’s pretty easy to beat up high level monsters when you’ve got the most advanced robot in the show. Try doing it for five years with a robot that was obsolete before your whole character arc even started. That’s like winning LeMans five years in a row with a car from the 70’s, today.

    Also their robot has two weapons, punching things, and flame throwers (which we never get to see), that’s pretty much everything awesome in the world right there. Giant Russians piloting a giant Russian flamethrowing boxer-bot.

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