This article first appeared on the now-defunct ZUG.com in 2012. Minor edits have been made.
It is reposted to celebrate Trump’s recent humiliating loss to a Scottish wind farm.
Donald Trump personally proves everything Marx said about capitalism. He inherited his money, has been fired from more positions than a Decepticon jet engine, and now hires Z-list actors to pretend he fired them to feel better.
This is a multimillionaire with nothing better to do than reality TV, and he still had to make himself the judge to avoid being voted off.
He drew attention to his YouTube account with the stupidest announcement of his life, automatically making it the stupidest announcement ever made, so I’m going to watch all 128 videos. (Or you can skip straight to the big announcement video in Part 3).
There are five pages of these. I’m about to endure more pages of insanity and angry yelling faces than the Necronomicon.
The First Video
The first thing I learned about Donald Trump is that he’s dangerously delusional. It was also the only thing I learned, but I would learn it 127 more times. “From The Desk Of Donald Trump 2/28/11” tells you everything you need to know in the title. In that it doesn’t describe what he’s talking about, or why you should care, because as far as he’s concerned his name is already both. Which is what happens when you only ever meet people paid to be near you. Even more hilarious, three years later he only has thirteen thousand views.
What was his first subject? His hello to this digital frontier? “We should invade another country and take their oil as payment because they’ll love us. It will totally work, this time. I am saying this in 2011.” There are computer programs saying hello world with more intelligence than that.
This is a man who can lose money in a casino when he’s the owner, and he wants to solve one of the most nightmarishly complicated regions in the world by shooting at it.
Continuing Into Madness
Of course it gets worse. At least the first video stuck to one subject. The rest are like visiting a crazy great-uncle in the nursing home. He hops between subjects at random, decrying the Japanese, a Geico ad, explains how all foreigners hate us – HATE US – then starts demanding that the death penalty be brought back not just in general, but right now, for one specific guy he wants to kill. He gives the Trump opinion on Charlie Sheen, which has to be an attempt to discover antigravity by creating something so irrelevant the laws of physics stop noticing him.
He spends an entire video describing how the poor workmanship on the 405 into California is directly the President’s fault. He continues the highway harangue in the next week’s video, because his life as a multimillionare is just that interesting, then says he can’t believe how many people responded to his article. And since this video has less than 8,000 almost three year later, neither can I.
The senile relative vibe continues when Clint Eastwood talked to a chair at the Republican National Convention and Trump compliments him on an excellent and totally non-insane speech. When videos cover multiple subjects the screen just flashes white between and moves on without explanation, as if to simulate forgetting what you’re talking about. You keep expecting him to complain about the state of the economy and “TV these days,” before realizing he’s responsible for both. There are tutorial videos to get naked orcs in Skyrim with better production values. And better looking people on camera. And more worthwhile objectives. For months he ends everything with his delusions about being president, except he’s got money, so he’s not just telling that to a kindly nurse.
After two hours of staring straight into the camera as he repeats himself, your brain defocuses and gets a really good chance to examine the boundaries between the huge bands of orange and red on his face. It’s like studying images of Jupiter.
For months Trump took time out of his busy schedule to share his thoughts with the world, only to find that the world cared more about videos of people falling off skateboards. He did not take this revelation well.
The only waste of time more tragic than me watching these videos is him making them. His bank balance is bigger than Beyonce’s view count. He’s begging for clicks when he could hire a squad of naked contortionists to frolic in a transparent hot-tub filled with oxygenated lubricant. In fact, if he YouTubed that he’d make everyone happy.
His webcam is a portal into the mind so insecure it makes his combover look more solid than a Greek statue’s tresses. Which is why his clips start issuing more desperate assurances than a self-help coach at gunpoint.
My Stuff Is Great
Trump sits in his office making a YouTube video of himself reading out a note saying how great his TV show is. He’s talking about a show with five million viewers to an audience of seven thousand, because he thinks he was just that much short of filling the emptiness inside.
Webcamming about your own reality show is the kind of feedback loop which makes you invisible to demons by hollowing out your soul. Which may be his plan, since a Satanic pact is the only way he could still have money after so many bankruptcies. Watching this guy talk about grunt-list* celebrities is staring into the Abyss.
*so ancient and untelligent their list hasn’t discovered letters like D yet
My Children Think I’m Great
Trump: The Next Generation isn’t a crossover, because Star Trek starred a man who was successful and could admit that he was bald.
The result is the most terrifying sex video on the internet, as Trump pays for and uploads an incestuous cinematic egojob from his own airbrushed children. If he died saving a puppy orphanage from flying piranhas and they played this movie at his memorial, mourners would think it praised him too much, and was still the most unbelievable thing he’d been involved in. You’d swear he only had children so that he could say his own surname more often.
Ivanka, Eric and Donald Jr take turns explaining how they’ve all learned so much from him, but from nowhere else, because they each only have pieces of his talent, only he has it all, HE IS SUPERIOR ALL HAIL THE TRUMPFATHER. They make it quite clear that he is better than them. Wanting your children to surpass you is the driving force of progress in the human race, and yet another thing Donald Trump screwed up.
My Plane Is Shiny (And Great)
He finally hits the big time with almost two million views for the Trump 757, and not one of those views liked him. He could have uploaded his own colonoscopy and not have had as many viewers saying “Look at this asshole.”
The plane is a very specific idiot’s idea of luxury. The seat recline buttons and the little panel controlling lights and headphones are gold-plated (no mention of whether the actual headphone contacts are gold-plated, but since that’s the one thing that might actually benefit from it, the answer is probably no). Even the favorites icon on the flight entertainment center has been reformatted to a “T”. Think about how empty your life would have to be, sitting on your bed on your personal plane with the budget to go anywhere in the world, and you take the time to tell them to monogram your movie controls. Even Mr T wasn’t that obsessed, and he monogrammed himself.
He stamps his name on his own pillows, and that’s a more pathetic way to make yourself feel good with a pillow than folding it over and calling it Sally.
The Stupidity Factor
The 757 revealed that stupid things get him attention. In a terrible tragedy, this is when a man connected to more bankruptcies than the dotcom bubble finally learns pattern recognition. From this point on his channel became a stupidity detector. I’ve plotted the updates views against time, highlighting each spike.
There is nothing Trump won’t attach himself to for notoriety. The instant Anthony Weiner’s dick was out in public, Trump was on it. He praises Birthers, the Tea Party, the Faith and Freedom Coalition (apparently “homophobic haters of women” was already taken). One of his first popular videos was talking about when he ate pizza with Sarah Palin, and the detail he focused on was that he used plastic cutlery. It’s like he’s trying to waste our time with the most irrelevant bullshit possible. In the same video, he frankly admits that he’s the sort of person who picks off and eats the toppings. That alone should have destroyed him in the public eye.
Instead, he realized that stupidity and politics was his magic formula, and prepared the ultimate video.
Trump has discovered that the stupider he gets, the more attention he gets, and that’s his idea of positive feedback.
The Big Announcement
Just after the birther bullshit was definitely ended, he offers to give five million dollars to charity if President Obama will release his college and passport records. Donald Trump just offered to rent the president and honestly didn’t see any problem with that. He can’t imagine anyone refusing to give up their dignity for money because for him that’s free money. Trump is so stupid, he’s the first businessman to try to influence Washington with millions of dollars and fail.
It’s a more painfully humiliating power trip than getting his dick caught in a circuit breaker. “When he does that, to my satisfaction” – he’s trying to order a world leader around on a globally transmitted video. Add the number of times he emphasises “millions of dollars” and we’ve got Dr Evil, but less effective. Because the Austin Powers movies made money. And people like them. And Mike Myers was never fired from his own project.
He’s already humiliated himself over the President’s birth certificate, and now he wants the president’s college and passport documents. Until we make contact with a race of giant alien amoeba’s and their space-TSA, such an ugly blob won’t have the authority to make those demands. He’s doubled-down by trying to keep the birther idiocy going through President Obama’s entire life, referring to the “LONG. FORM. BIRTH CERTIFICATE. Or whatever it may be. ” Is he suggesting it’s not? Does he think that after all that Obama just waved a photocopied Arizona driver’s license under the bouncer’s nose and snuck into the White House to get a drink?
He genuinely thinks five million dollars could swing an election. That couldn’t pay a single state’s canvassers’ catering. You can actually see how it worked in his mind, casting Obama as the bad guy for turning down easy money from the big businessman, despite that being the exact plot of several Disney movies. Except Trump knows that he can be seen by millions of viewers. And even children can see that this plan is stupid.
All he’s doing is proving that he could give five million dollars to charity, but won’t. Dangling his cheque over the needy is more insulting than pissing on them, because he honestly thinks that us poverty-stricken peons would not only do anything for money, but agree that everyone else should too. This was escalated to catastrophic levels by Hurricane Sandy. Trump kept at it, re-iterating how easily he could donate at any time, and honestly thinking people would blame someone else when he didn’t. He repeatedly insists that he speaks for the American people. He’s so sure of how much they love him he’s disabled comments on all videos. But the “like” button speaks volumes.
It’s by far the most successful video he’s ever made. But only by his definition of success: “millions of people looking at him” and “nothing else”. The entire media establishment sighed and dutifully reported that Donald Trump had yet again publicly shit the bed and waved the sheets as if he’d discovered alchemy. We thought he couldn’t sink any lower when he touted a possible presidental campaign to secure another series of Celebrity Apprentice. But now he’s turned Hurricane Sandy into an ad for his YouTube channel.
The deadline passed and Trump announced he’s not paying the money. I wish I could say I was surprised, but after spending a day with Trump I know he’d make his own daughter prance for the internet if it would make people look at him. Because he’s already done that. This is a man with a net worth of three billion dollars. He could donate that five million like you’d drop a hundred. He keeps hammering the Five. Million. Dollars. that he won’t be donating, just in case anyone still can’t believe he’s that much of a prick.
But we can absolutely believe he’s that much of a prick. And maybe, if we work hard enough to convince him of that, he’ll stop finding new ways to remind us.
Luke subjects himself to slightly less painful insanity in: