Climate-Controlled Summer Plans

  • Carving the house into a series of ice slides to best utilize the constant layer of fluid covering my flesh
  • Using my constant perspiration to lubricate the tectonic plate under Great Britain to slide the entire country north. If you don’t think I’m perspiring enough you are blissfully mistaken.
  • Promising that if someone just gives me that Mr Freeze armor I’ll swear that Batman and Robin is the best movie ever.
  • Inventing a battery which uses human sweat as the electrolytic component, rerouting my metabolic output into an electrical supply, meaning that I’m the one who starts the Matrix, and I will damn well do it if you lot don’t somehow turn the temperature down. That filthy pink goo looks nice and cool.
  • Try to convince one or two of my millions of sweat glands that they really don’t have to work so hard. Horrify people when they realize I’m not exaggerating that number.
  • Getting a job as a cameraman for the next adoraporn penguin documentary.
  • Going native to join the penguins, realizing that my increasing flab layer hasn’t been a problem of age but the beginning of a gloriously cool new life.
  • Leading the penguins in a march to war against the sun, which is only slightly more insane than the march they usually engage in.
  • Realizing I’ve suffered heatstroke-induced hallucinations.
  • These hospital bedsheets are nice and cool.
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One thought on “Climate-Controlled Summer Plans

  1. This is the best expletiving thing I have ever read on climate change.

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