Most Halloween stories couldn’t be more repeated clichés if they were murdered and returned to life a dozen times on the exact same night each year. In fact, most Halloween stories were described by exactly that sentence. So I’ve come up with some more modern terrors:

• A group of teens are trapped in a house with a potential killer because they’re expecting an Amazon delivery.
• Every poltergeist in the world realizes that knocking over wine glasses and rattling windows just isn’t scary, and that with a thousandth of the telekinetic they can break some random tiny chip inside wifi routers.
• A mad zoologist cures the problem of panda extinction (specifically, the fact they barely eat a terrible plant and never want to seek their opposite gender) by infecting them vampirism. The world is soon under the thrall of bloodthirsty Vampire Pandas: super-strong super-fast flying bears who are still too cute to shoot at.
• A crazed slasher starts killing anyone who doesn’t respond to facebook Farm Gang War invites.
• A gypsy curses you to always dream of the latest YouTube comments.
• UKIP become werewolves. Every single on of them. This actually makes them less exclusionary, as there is now a mechanism where they can make sane people join them.

More unspeakable horror with

• New problems from Old Ones
• The Alien meets a non-idiotic astronaut