The Sixth Reason Homophobia Is Unmanly

BONUS CONTENT: Sometimes parts have to be cut from other articles, like this one about how homophobia is unmanly.

6. Blaming Someone Else

The epitome of unmanliness is refusing to take responsibility for your own actions. The vast majority of dickhaters offload their assholishness on someone who’s not around to disagree, and honestly think that makes their argument stronger. “It’s not me!” they say, “A big boy did it and ran away. Over two thousand years ago.”

"Hey, don't pin this on me.  I AM ALREADY MORE THAN SUFFICIENTLY PINNED." (Source: wikimedia commons)

“Hey, don’t pin this on me. I AM ALREADY MORE THAN SUFFICIENTLY PINNED.” (Source: wikimedia commons)

Their advice isn’t totally pointless: if your invisible friend tells you who you’re not allowed to have sex with, listen to them, because the less chance of your broken-ass crazy getting passed on the better. But you don’t get to command other people.

Besides, the whole story of God hating sodomites is suspicious. Sodom literally gave its name to homosexuality, and in the Bible god claims he searched it thoroughly and couldn’t find ten good men, so genocide is fine. He carefully searches a city known only for man-bangin’ with all his omniscience, then destroys it with fire? That’s the divine equivalent of  “Clear history”. When Lot’s wife looks back – because hearing an entire city destroyed with fire behind you is the sort of thing the survival instinct tends to take notice of – god turns her into a pillar of salt. That’s the most extreme version of screaming “don’t look at that!” when someone walks in possible. I guess god doesn’t need to alt-tab when he can just kill people.

Read the other 5 Reasons Homophobia Is Unmanly 

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The One Time You Must Drink And Drive

Pacific Rim is coming out soon, and it doesn’t need reviews because it has posters:

A picture is worth a thousand words. In this case "I WANT TO SEE THIS" two hundred times.

A picture is worth a thousand words. In this case “I WANT TO SEE THIS” two hundred times.

The new megamechs are called Jaegers, which means that their pilots are automatically Jaegermeisters.

Another machine designed to massively amplify human abilities

Another machine designed to massively amplify human abilities

This makes perfect sense: many of the times I’ve felt like an absolutely unstoppable incarnation of human awesomeness, several Jägermeister-like substances have been involved. They’re the super-soldier serum for heroes who have far better things to do than fighting people. And if you’re complaining that there’s a missing e and extra umlaut there, haha, yeah, that’s exactly the kind of skill that’ll make you a giant robot pilot.

Behold as I practice what I preach, combining a masterpiece of human tool-using skill with a giant robot* in The Truth Behind Pacific Rim.

*the masterpiece of human tool-using skill is a bottle of bourbon.

 

The Big Bang Decided Whether You’d Read This

(Source: Top Event by LHC, Brain by Obscenity of sxc)

(Source: Top Event by LHC, Brain by Obscenity of sxc)

Science scares some people into thinking they have no control over what they’re thinking. Which is a terrible spiral to be caught in. And not much of a reward for thinking so much about science in the first place. If physical laws determine what will happen for any collection of particles, and your brain is a collection of particles, everything you do is already determined. Which turns consciousness will into a sadistic joke, because we were pre-determined to develop free will and then find out we hadn’t.

The first escape from this classical trap is quantum chaos, which sounds like a great way to escape from anything. Possibly by confusing it. Quantum mechanics means we can’t precisely measure everything about anything. We have to choose between knowing something’s position or momentum, its energy or how long it has that energy. This uncertainty introduces error into our measurements, which chaos theory amplifies until it’s so stupidly impossible to predict what a human brain will do that people ask Cosmopolitan columnists for answers instead of the laws of physics.

If they experimentally tested their theories, every issue would come with three emergency room visits and a divorce.

If they experimentally tested their theories, every issue would come with three emergency room visits and a divorce.

The problem in that solution is that it isn’t one. Quantum chaos only says that we can’t predict what happens next, not that it isn’t predetermined. It’s a relief to know that someone can’t fire up a You-mo-tron 3000 and spend the rest of your life annoying you by saying things just before you do, but it doesn’t salvage free will from physics.

Our second stage is to go full quantum. Quantum mechanics shows that observing things changes the result. Not just for bullied cats, but even for bashful electrons which behave differently when they’re under examination. This should turn the brain into an observation engine, an existential-bootstrap turning its ability to observe into the ability to choose what to observe.

This doesn’t save free will, but makes something more interesting. “Observation changes the result” is the large text simplification of quantum mechanics. When we say observation changes the result, we mean that it forces a photon (for example) to choose between linear or circular polarization. Once we filter it in linear we force it to be horizontal or vertical, but we don’t get to choose which. Likewise, filtering it for circular forces the photon to choose between left- or right-circular, but all the observational machinery in the universe can’t bully it into being sinister.

Since the behaviour of an electron doesn’t directly translate into whether you enjoy Ghostbusters, this leaves your consciousness vulnerable to questions. Is your spark of consciousness the result of a septillion electronic dice rolls? Has consciousness evolved to take advantage of observational effects? Or did Zeus just build an insanely sophisticated stage to check if we’d masturbate if he put genitals within arms’ reach?

How you deal with the free will conundrum tells you a lot about yourself. Whether you had a choice in that or not. Ignorance seems to make a lot of people happy, while others try to absolve themselves of their selves.I already revealed my solution by mentioning Ghostbusters.

Using physics to have fun and kick metaphysical ass.

Using physics to have fun and kick metaphysical ass.

My solution? I believe in free will, because either I have free will or I was determined to think I had free will, and either way it’s by far the funner option, letting Occam’s razor shaves away the stubble of insecurity.

Might I change my mind? Of course. That’s the point of having one.

The Worst Superman Ever

If you’re worried by early reports on Man of Steel, lower your expectations with the Worst Supermen Ever. A Super-squad so terrible, Nazi Superman didn’t even make the list!

jlaxis

 

In fact Overman is almost adorable. An alternate world where Adolf Hitler won the second world war, pursued his eugenic agenda, and then the ultimate physical specimen literally descends from the heavens to join in. He’s head of the JLAXis, and that is exactly the kind of glorious insanity alternate universes are for. They’re arenas for the stupid and spectacular. They’re not meant to be entire realities filled with piddling minutiae, spacetimes stuck in a morass of utterly irrelevant editing and retcon. Speaking of which:

Superman-Prime

Superman should NEVER look like he's about to go "heh."

Superman should NEVER look like he’s about to go “heh.”

When your alternate of a spin-off Superboy-Prime changes to Superman-Prime not because he matured (which doesn’t happen in comics), but because of real world legal disputes with its creator, seventy years later, you might actually be allergic to new ideas.

Much more Superboy-mocking in The Worst Supermen Ever.

EXTRA READING: Behold Superman kicking an embarrassing amount of ass in The 7 Most Hilariously Mismatched Superhero Battles.

Fighting Games: Better Than Sex

Fighting games let you grapple with strangers in complete safety, teach you new techniques for touching them, let you try any body type you like, and most of the costumes are clearly designed to make love instead of war.

Also, the real world doesn't have my teenage love, Chun-Li

They’re also home to my first love, Chun-Li

Imagine any other way you’d be prepared to indulge in three minutes of physical fun with a random stranger on the internet. Your reaction would be to attack anyone who suggested it and get out of there, meaning fighting games have you coming and going. Fighting games are the purest skill challenge left in online gaming. The only extra equipment you get for playing longer is a callused thenar space. Which sounds like somewhere you’d have a star war against aliens, but modern fighting games involve more energy blasts and teleportation.

The only problem is the lopsided gender divide, where “lopsided” usually means “top-heavy, or possible double Zeppelin impersonation”. While the men have been snatched from a fancy dress party, the women have clearly been teleported in by that Terminator time machine that can’t do clothes. I suggest a solution in my latest article, How To Make Every Fighting Game Better, and prove that Zangief is the ultimate modern man.

zangief

Proudly displaying underwear in solidarity

EXTRA READING: I’ve examined structural improbability before with The 14 Worst Boobs In The History Of Video Games

Internet Sexism Is A Fractal Asshole

Talking about sexism online is like ringing a bell to warn people about the zombies: it calls the braindead horde down on you. A casual reader should never read comments, because becoming incandescent with rage is the least casual thing you can do, but part of my professional skillset is Proctologist of Justice. The comments section is like the end of 2001 except it’s full of anii instead of stars. And the giant baby isn’t the a cosmic vision of the future, it’s a whining manbaby of the present.

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“That planet is full of women who wouldn’t have sex with me even though I was nice to them!”

Every time I write about sexism they reveal new levels of assholery. Each article provides enough comments to fuel five more. Forget the human centipede, I could build a human pyramid of endlessly spewing human waste. 

You Should Be Nicer To Us Assholes!

I shouldn’t be so mean to the poor misogynists and racists. All they did was dismiss over half the human race! They write to let me know that if only I was sweeter to them, maybe they’d consider not screaming “slut” at anything daring to menstruate in their universe.

If there were any words that would fix those people, I wouldn’t be nice in an article, I’d hire a skywriter. I’d construct a laser cannon and engrave them on the Moon to upgrade the human race. 

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And Superman already tried it.

The message isn’t for those idiots. They consider listening to be an enemy trick, and you don’t cure a screaming madman by patiently waiting for them to listen to your polite requests. These articles are for the vast bulk of people who aren’t consciously assholes, they just never thought about these issues before. Which makes the psycho comments an essential part of the article, because the silent non-commenting majority see them and think “Damn, I don’t want to be like that.”

Black Lesbians Have It Easier 

Tell straight white males that they have advantages, and some will whine about black lesbians. Which honestly says more about their internet search histories than their knowledge of society. Though you get the feeling the two are synonymous, and mainly based on sexual urges.

Quite apart from the insane claim that black lesbians have it easier, it reveals binary switches instead of an understanding of humanity. White or black. Male or female. Straight or gay. They’re ignoring a three-dimensional rainbow cube of identity by huddling in the corner terrified of everyone else.

Straw Man 

The internet as parrot, using words it saw somewhere else without understanding them. A strawman is an imaginary opponent created specifically to be easy to be beat. Every single comment I use is real, recovered from comment sections by myself at great personal risk. It’s like panning for gold at the bottom of a sewage plant storm drain.

Racism

Watch out for the master stroke here, and I mean that in the fullest brain-hemorrhaging sense of the word. Because I talk about issues involving race, that means I noticed race AHA OMG UR A RACIST!

I’m afraid that’s their entire point.

Double Racism 

One guy accused me of racism against the endangered white race while using every possible letter-word for all the other races. I like to think that he was trying to cause such a logic error it reached out of the e-mail and crashed my laptop to prevent me from writing. Because thinking about how much dumber his stupidity really was would be a bit depressing.

Logic Master

“It’s not fair, he’s set things up so that if we disagree with him we look like assholes!” The most complimentary complaint ever, but I can’t take credit for basic human decency. If I suggest that women shouldn’t be treated as malfunctioning sex-dispensers, when someone disagrees it’s not my soph(isticated)istry  that makes them a dick. When I catch someone like that in the iron grip of logic, it’ll be because I constructed a giant nuclear robot and called it “logic”. As in “logic says you should stop being such an idiot”.

China Wins E3

Last night the internet was alight with Sony’s targeted trouncing of the Microsoft X-Bone. But no matter whether you prefer the unique x86-64 cores of the Xbone, or the distinctive x86-64 architecture of the PS4, one fact is clear: neither detonates three hundred tons of rocket propellant to put people into space. Meaning both suck compared to the Shenzhou-10 which launched last night while everyone was arguing.

Shenzhou-10 launch

“We’d love to stay and argue about DRM but we’re GOING TO SPAAAAACE!” (Xinhua/Wang Jianmin via xinhuanet.com)

 Some commenters praised the PS4’s relatively less insane price, seemingly unbothered by how it wasn’t elevating three people to a literal Heavenly Palace (Tiangong-1) made of human ingenuity incarnate. Others adulated how the lack of DRM generously granted players the basic consumer rights they hadn’t even known were up for debate until recently, meaning the console would be even better at keeping people motionless and not advancing the entire species, unlike the three spacenauts at this second escaping all the inconceivably tedious conflicts raging on the Earth’s surface. 

Nie Haisheng, Zhang Xiaoguang and Wang Yaping are scheduled to spend two weeks testing docking technologies with the orbiting space laboratory, working towards the construction of a permanent space station, and proving that most “geek” news sites are unworthy of the word.

BBC: Shenzhou-10: China launches next manned space mission

EXPLODING WITH SCIENCE!

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Test-firing the Falcon 9 Reusable prototype

Behold, a rocket booster which won’t just hurl humanity into space, it’ll come back and  ask for more. The Falcon 9R is designed to punch through the sky then kiss it better with rocket fuel, decelerating on descent until it lands neatly back on the original launch pad, ready for refuelling and the next cargo of coolness. Which means that SpaceX is finally building Thunderbird 3.

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The best bit is how it’ll be tested by destruction. Future Falcon 9 launches will test the landing system in action, completing their space-business before roaring back to Earth to see what happens. The test landings will be in the most uninhabited bits of water they can find, as SpaceX candidly expect all kinds of explosive education in how not to land before getting it right.

That’s the human race in college – learning how to do things right by making all the awesomely fun mistakes first. Because we’ve finally grown up enough to start thinking about leaving home. People talk about losing the stars, but back in the sixties we were heroically reaching far beyond our grasp. Now the technology is so accessible there’s an online form to fill for lofting off the Earth.

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Putting things in orbit used to need a Presidential decree. Now it needs a printer. We’re just getting started.

Busting Call of Duty’s Ghosts

Activision are gearing up for Call of Duty 2013. Because nothing spells a commitment to quality and definitely not just pushing whatever’s ready by then out the door like locking down the release date half a year in advance so you can advertise it harder.

READ THE FULL ARTICLE

If you ever need to choose between Battlefield and Call of Duty:

– In Battlefield it’s still possible to be top of the winning team without killing a single enemy. (My assault-medic could steer a Tank like a sports car and took more points than Pac-Man)

– In Call of Duty you can be automatically instantly killed if someone on the enemy team unlocks a certain item.

I go with the “my skill level actually affects each interaction” game.

The Dystopianest Drug Future

Dystopian sci-fi loves the drugs. Because both are fun. But science-fiction drugs are usually about as dystopic as a hangover – unpleasant, but an incredibly predictable result of what we’re already doing. They might have stupider names and grant the occasional superpower, but they’re still the same story of “addiction bad make bad guys bad.”

Even worse, they still make the user feel good. That’s not dystopic. You can’t claim the nihilist bleaktimes when it’s still possible to get high off your laser-tits. People are still making things, feeling good, hell, there’s even an economy. Film all the teal-filtered rubble and sheet metal you want, a world where you can still fly with the magic unicorns is a less scary one.

A truly dystopian future would leach that trade of all value, making a mockery of even wanting to feel good. You’d have hordes of people queuing up to sacrifice their dignity to perform meaningless acts in return for worthless product, abasing themselves to an uncaring machine for tins of sugar water like lab rats with login details.

Which is already happening.

You give the machine access to your facebook feed for a can of soft drink. People selling their digital selves to a corporation. I am tragically disappointed. I always thought virtual hooking would mean TRON-lingerie and mopping up the holodeck. Instead you’ve got “The Like Machine”.

likemachine

This couldn’t sound more like a social media horror story. Because that’s exactly what it is.


More technojoy with 5 Ass-Kicking Vehicle Weapons Conversions, and The Retro Gaming Drinking Games.