Whining in reviews of a video game on the internet – that’s someone three levels deep* in distracting fantasies and they’re still upset. These are people who could have Milla Jovovich and Benedict Cumberbatch on a holodeck and still complain about having to move so vigorously.

* The first level is the idea that anyone cares about dongHitler4269’s opinion of Portal.

People say that internet commenters don’t represent the whole of humanity, and that’s true. Internet commenters are only part of the most fortunate, best educated section of humanity. You may have a few moments to sob. Anyone with internet access is automatically better off than at least half the planet. They’re also connected to the greatest information network ever constructed and quite clearly have a lot of spare time. And then, given the chance to learn about any subject in existence, they instead share their own work on homophobic slurs as applied to other people who play their favourite game. Worst of all, that work is not very original. Never mind rudeness/psychoses, their understanding of dicks and assholes shows a distinct lack of sexual imagination. Which should be impossible: anyone who spends that much time online should know at least forty more genital configurations.

Luckily the symptom is also the solution. Comment sections were invented to funnel this tide of vitriol, but when they were overwhelmed we were forced to invent the storm drain of psychic sewage: user reviews. The ability to complain about anything, ever, and forever. They’ve done more to hold borderline psychotics in place than leather restraints and phenothiazine combined. Behold their power in The 5 Worst Video Game Reviews Of All Time.