The Adventures of Internet White Guy Commenting On Equality!

The veterinary hospital roars, an inferno. Shafts of flame escape with every collapse as the roof buckles, showering scalding ruin on desperate staff clutching terrified animals in their panicked flight.

Internet White Guy Commenting On Equality appears!

“Listen to me!” he cries. Ignored by those tending the wounded, he tackles a bleeding rescue worker to the ground, scattering blinded kittens.

“Listen!” he shouts into the struggling ear beneath him. “I always carefully dispose of any matches I use!”

Even getting out of the car means almost drowning, but crushing rain doesn’t change being stranded on the banks of a highway that thinks it’s a river, kids crying on a canted back seat as the car sags on a broken back-right wheel, and only rain hides your tears as the trunk fills with water in the empty space where your spare and tools should be. You don’t even hate the thief. You just wish the world could stop now.

Then the stretch limo honks its horn. It’s covered in tires. Sixteen spinning on the bottom – though you notice that eight don’t even touch the ground – and at least twenty more stacked on the roof in impossible towers. As it draws closer you see a huge funnel feeding the engine block, an impossible hopper filled with tires which it seems to burn instead of fuel. Hope turns to confusion as your realize that it’s slowing but not stopping. Cruising past, throwing up a spray of drenching cold, a window cracks open as Internet White Guy Commenting On Equality shouts “You should just work harder!” before disappearing into the night.

Steven Spielberg sees a figure on the horizon. It’s coming closer. It’s running. It’s dashing, tearing itself forward as fast as it can. Caught, compelled by the impossible urgency of the distant soul, he stands transfixed on the beach as the unknown stranger breaks itself against a punishing pace. Hours pass. Marathons rise and fall. The sweat-slicked body is suddenly on the beach, gasping towards him but never quite reaching his face, collapsing to its knees, help up only by the hand clutching Spielberg’s shirt. The other holds a Blu-Ray of Schindler’s List.


The figure falls face down, pulling Spielberg to his knees, his hands, pulling his ear down to the straining face kissing the sand.

“I. I have never been a member of the National Socialist party.”

For more adventures of Internet White Guys Commenting On Equality, check out:

The 6 Worst Inspirational Posters Ever Made By Man

The 5 Most Ridiculously Sexist Superhero Costumes

The 8 Stupidest Defenses Against Accusations Of Sexism

The 7 Most Ridiculous Things About Calling Out Fake Geek Girls

5 Gamer Comments That Give Straight White Guys A Bad Name

One thought on “The Adventures of Internet White Guy Commenting On Equality!

  1. these are spot on, good job.

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