Putin’s Sochi Sexuality Defense Tips

Putin eyes the Olympic logo. Do there have to be so many colors? These feelings make him uncomfortable.

“Must Olympic torch be flaming? Can it not be burning with Soviet heterosexual lust?”

“Must this Olympic torch be flaming? Can it not burn with Soviet heterosexual lust?” (Source: BBC)

He must act swiftly to save Sochi! He issues emergency commands:

  • All figure skaters now compete simultaneously and to the death.
  • Bobsledders must now race down ice channel in four individual one-man sleds. Sport now called “Competitive Pac-Man Ghosting”, still a better sport name than “Skeleton”.
  • The five-rings will be painted camouflage green, hooked to motors, and used to drive a continuous track of linked steel plates. Because advancing tank treads are how Russia has always promoted unity among its member states.
  • Realizing a little late that the “Hot. Cool. Yours.” motto is a bit of a come-on.
  • Any event may be interrupted for up to five hours to set up lighting, install professional camera equipment, and tranquilize competitors to snap a spontaneous shot of Putin winning.
Putin disapproves of jokes about his glans-hat

Putin disapproves of jokes about his glans-hat

  • Try not to let people know that Sochi’s mascot choice was later overruled by the central authority for the good of the entire nation, because that’s almost too much of a parody.
  • Also don’t let people know how the most popular “counter-cultural” mascot in the official votes was a plant by the official committee, and mysteriously vanished before the next round despite winning the popular vote in the first. Comrade, can we not even select a cuddly cartoon character without making a sinister mockery of democracy?
  • Realize original plan to build stadium out of frozen blocks of cash may have been less expensive, and actually made it slightly harder for corrupt political barons to steal.
  • Ask soldiers not to do quite so much Male Partner Crotch Stretching in public during the games.
"Who put the stick up his ass?" "I did, remember? That's what we're doing here." (Source: REUTERS/Alexander Natruskin (RUSSIA))

“Who put the stick up his ass?” “I did, remember? That’s what we’re doing here.” (Source: REUTERS/Alexander Natruskin (RUSSIA))

  • Create a real actual “forbidden zone”. Try not to cackle too much in public. Check again if the FSB  have found anyone called James Bond to kill just for the look of the thing.
  • Fill Sochi with tens of thousands of armed soldiers, none of whom will react well to being told the Olympics started as naked male wrestling.
  • Realize that, all told, stress about the US sending gay sports stars into Russian territory is still better than when it was multiple-independent-reentry-vehicle thermonuclear warheads.

Behold more glorious Putin with Vladimir Putin Wins Russian Man, Woman, and Sleigh Dog of the Year Awards.

Or enjoy the movie trilogy trope of initial success, hype it up, it all goes wrong in the real world with the Vladimir Triptych:

Overanalysis Theatre: Why Iron Man Is Earth’s Mightiest Hero

It’s my job to talk about how Iron Man could beat Batman, I got paid to rewrite his armor’s operating system, and of course I still come up with things far too nerdy and self-indulgent to sell anywhere else. Welcome to somewhere that isn’t anywhere else!

Avengers: Earth’s Mightiest Heroes explored the Avengers’ relationship, and they put Tony Stark front and center with a giant Stark penis towering over the rest of the group.

Subtlety is for people who can't punch tanks.

Subtlety is for people who can’t punch tanks.

EMH was a fast and funny cartoon which understood that the most important aspect of any supergroup was how they bounced off each other while pounding out the villain of the week. Hawkeye smirking at all these damn supes, Black Panther Bat-humiliating anyone who comes near him by sheer capability, Tony grimacing at all the expensive explosions – not because he’s mean, but because all this stuff actually costs money and he’s the one providing it – every interaction is entertaining and informative at the same time, aka perfect characterization. Because super-hierarchies have nothing to do superpowers. Characters are promoted by Fables-style meta-power, where the most beloved character in our world is the most dominant in theirs. This cartoon came out around Iron Man 2, which means Tony could have taken out the rest of the Avengers with one hand tied behind his back and holding an exploding EMP grenade.

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The 5 Worst Pick-Up Artist Acronyms

This article first appeared on Guyism.com, but the site reorganized. Read another of my Guyism articles here.

Pick Up Artists are what happen when nerds decide to get laid but forget to stop playing videogames first.  They claim women can be reprogrammed into sex with complicated gambits which flip a set “attraction switches,”  at which point they might as well say “I roll my twenty-sided dice for sex.”  Flipping switches is how you open the secret door in Zelda, not panties, and we hereby apologize for unleashing that analogy upon this earth.

They use the phrase “neuro-linguistic programming” to cover how they think pickup lines don’t just work, but are the basis of an entire life strategy.  The self-titled “seduction community” uses more acronyms than a World of Warcraft guild during tax season. As people who can talk to outsiders without filing Field Reports (FR, and yes, that’s one of their acronyms) we went through their lists of initials to find the five stupidest.  But brace yourself: even FR, the idea of excitedly telling your internet friends about every single time you talk to a girl, didn’t come close to what’s on this list..

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Genitals Are For The Future, Not The Past!

When You Should Care About Someone’s Genitals:

  • They’re offering to have sex with you.
  • They’re offering to have sex with you. If you’re interested in sex with them, that’s entirely your problem until they’re on board. They don’t have to sit a genital job interview just because you want to offer them a position from the Kama Sutra.

When You Should Care About the History Of Someone’s Genitals:

  • You’re a doctor helping them with a specifically genital issue.
  • No other time.

Disease and fertility are aspects of their current genitals. The past is nothing to do with it. If they’re clean and contracepted, it doesn’t matter if their history was “working inside a spacesuit in a convent-laboratory’s clean rom” or “measuring the orgasm response of an entire co-ed rugby team”. Sex is a current collaboration, not a real-estate deal: you can’t demand that they haven’t had guests before ever meeting you. You can’t be focused on the genital past when the genital present is much more fun, and the genital future will be outright fantastic.

I’m looking forward to a time when saying “I like vaginas” is a foible, like “I like pigtails” or “I like firemen”: a minor aspect of attraction which isn’t really important, which you’ll forget if the right person comes along, and which they’ll  be able to wear for the night to treat you anyway because we always use advanced technology for sex. But the first thing the future will fix will be conscious fertility toggles.  It’s ridiculous that we have to rut around carrying live biological fission bombs. In the future both people will have to want to conceive before it can happen, and the fact it ever used to be anything else will be more horrifying to them than the rest of our history combined.

For more genital entertainment, follow the adventures of The Craziest Consensual Sex Criminals.

Germany Takes Pride In Its Sochi Olympic Uniforms

I love how the German Sochi Olympic uniform is skating as close to the rainbow as they can.

(Image source: Reuters/Ina Fassbender at this article)

(Image source: Reuters/Ina Fassbender via this article)

They’ve judged it perfectly: leaving out the purple so that it isn’t exactly a Pride flag, and Russian authorities will look ridiculously insecure if they make a protest, but absolutely being a Pride flag and absolutely being a protest. They even have the excuse of the Munchen ’72 visual style for all those wonderful bright colors.


In this world of internet-image consciousness there’s no way it’s accidental. Even if the first draft did include the crazy color combinations by accident, someone on the national Olympic review committee would have asked  “Doesn’t that look gay?”, and gosh, wouldn’t you know it, a group made entirely of fashion designers and ice skaters sort of knew that already and were calculating exactly what percentage of homosexuality they could send to screw with Vladimir Putin’s hateful legislation.

They’re saying it’s nothing to do with protesting the Russian government’s draconian idiocy, sorry, “homophobia”, but of course they’re saying that just to get away with it. To get away with not just flying but actually being a Pride flag on the Olympic stage. 

More Olympic pride with Putin’s Sochi Sexuality Defense Tips.

Read 5 Reasons Homophobia Is Unmanly at CBS, and the bonus 6th Reason Homophobia Is Unmanly I wasn’t allowed to print.

The Shrinking Cat Box Experiment

Humans buy lots of things to make them feel safe and distract them from the vast uncertainties of existence, which works out for cats, because they only need the box.

Unless you just bought a complete virtual reality system and a copy of “Heaven 2.0: God decided oral sex was allowed”, you’re not as happy as Neutrino right now

Unless you just bought a complete virtual reality system and a copy of “Heaven 2.0: God made it better”, you’re not as happy as Neutrino right now

Of course, this gave me an idea

"Why are you laughing? Why do I have a bad feeling?"

“Why are you laughing? Why do I have a bad feeling?”

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5 Ass-Kicking Vehicle Weapons Conversions

This article first appeared on the defunct thecarsumer.com

Some people say that big cars are compensating for something, but when someone uses euphemisms instead of a penis you don’t have to listen to them. Behold five kickass cars which are only “compensating” for the fact most vehicles don’t come from G.I. Joe.

1.  The Gatling Gun Suburban

The first Suburban to justify taking up all that space isn’t screwing around, converting a people-carrier into the exact opposite: a People-Stopper.  And you’d get capitalized too if your roof swung back to unleash a Goddamn Gatling Gun.  For those unfamiliar with kickassology, a Gatling Gun doesn’t shoot people.  It evaporates them with bullets.

If you didn’t watch the video, it fires so fast it sounds like it’s blowing the ultimate raspberry. This is the weapon the French knight from the Holy Grail would use if decided to mock England out of existence.

"I fart in your general direction, but everyone in that direction is shitting themselves."

“I fart in your general direction, but everyone in that direction is shitting themselves.”

The M134D Dillon Aero Steel Gatling Gun is more commonly fitted to warships…

That isn't spray, that's millions of tiny white flags.

That isn’t spray, that’s millions of tiny white flags as the sea surrenders

… and they put one in a car.  Because it’s protecting the President, and anyone trying anything will be turned go from terrorist to terrormist at 50 rounds a second. If this thing kicked any more ass, IT’D be Commander in Chief.

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Psycho Drivers And Traffic Crystals

The easiest way to reveal national character is obviously countrywide mechanized combat, giving everyone in the country a ton of explosion-powered armored shell, contradictory objectives, and setting them loose. Aka “traffic”. On my travels I’ve noticed that different countries drive different models – not models of car, but models of how to describe their driving.

Oxford, UK: Circuit Flow

English traffic is an electrical circuit with incredibly large four-wheeled electrons, because the English instinct to queue is stronger than a classroom hearing the phrase “Ell Emm En Oh Pee”. If the entire country was projected into non-Euclidian Escher-space by Dr Spacebender, they’d form orderly lines to escape.

The whole system is enforced by politeness instead of physics, and it’s hard to say which more powerfully dominates English behavior. Transgressors are fixed with more powerfully disapproving stares than Cyclops looking over his glasses at you. The occasional idiot still tries to short-circuit things by skipping ahead, but that’s regarded as an error, and the system is designed to deliver the correct results despite such stupidity.

Rome, Italy: Liquid Flow

Even the architecture of Rome is an ever-changing flow breaking against solid rocks, with waves of modern construction lapping at the edges of immovable masses of antiquity. It’s no surprise their traffic is liquid too. It aims for laminar flow, pouring through any crack in the buildings it can find, but often snarls up in turbulent vortices. (You get a fairly large Reynold’s number when your fluid volume element is a Fiat.) And as any advanced fluid mechanic or Italian taxi driver will tell you, turbulent flow is much slower.

Like any warm liquid environment it has evolved a host of odd-looking and brightly colored responses to the challenge of movement.


The first time you see a Piaggio it looks ridiculous. The second time you see it, cutting through a traffic blockade which would stop a reasonably determined army, it makes a lot more sense. The toy-like reverse-trike can turn on a sixpence and still get change. It’s the opposite of the Italian motorbike, which looks cool the first time you see it, then stupid the second time, in the exact same place, half an hour later. Not moving is the exact opposite of the motorcycle’s function. Anyone on a motorbike trying to turn as sharply would have to hit the ground, becoming the first petrol-powered cyborg breakdancer.

These Rome-adapted scooters encrust every niche of the rocky city, like clusters of barnacles, ready to rush out and get (great Italian) food the instant the tide of cars falls. And you’ll need one if you’re going to get around. In most modern cities the subway is a circulatory system, but around Rome it’s emergency life support, a series of tubes arranged around the outside of the city, but it doesn’t dare cut into all the ancient and fragile things inside.

Qing Dao, China: Viscous Flow

Viscous flow is where the fluid experiences friction. Think of pouring maple syrup compared to water. Then think of a city filled with maple syrup while big balls of Velcro all desperately try to push through the same tiny gaps at the same ridiculous time, and you’ll still have no idea how terrible the traffic in Qing Dao is. Because even if you headbutt hammers for a living you won’t make decisions as dumbass as these drivers. A driver will turn sideways and block two lanes of oncoming traffic if it gets them one meter closer to a full car park, and they’ll sit there until a space opens up. Qing Dao doesn’t have traffic, it has a vast morality tale about how selfishness prevents anybody getting anything.

Most places have murderously psychopathic drivers who behave as if nobody else is real. Qing Dao drivers takes that to the next level, behaving as if everyone else is the murderer: not only do you need to escape the traffic as quickly as possible, but if you actively prevent everyone else from getting to their objectives you’re actually doing a the world a favor.

Most liquid of all is Qing Dao’s supersaturated solution of vehicles, a fluid loaded with more of something than it can actually carry, so the least disturbance causes cars to crystallize out in an ever-expanding perfect crystal: bright, shining with red lights, and motionless. This happens every morning and evening for several hours. And still nobody ever stops driving, despite “stopped” and “driving” becoming synonymous.

Risking My Life With Magic: The Gathering

This article originally appeared on the sadly defunct Zug.com

Magic: The Gathering is Fight Club for stamp collectors. The same dedication, group mentality, and dedication to annihilating every one of your colleagues, with only slightly less damage to your physical condition. It’s one of the most famous card games in the world and more profitable than poker. Because in poker at least one of the players still has money when they’ve finished playing.

To say nothing of shellcrotch exposure every time you start playing.

To say nothing of shellcrotch exposure every time you start playing.

Players buy cards containing magic spells to turn their love of reading and math into heroic battles. Wizards of the Coast turned my childhood dreams into a business plan (and that sounds like the plot of a book I would have read back then). But I’ve always avoided the game, because Magic is responsible for more people losing their lives to a fantasy land of endless murder than Game of Thrones. And profits more from their disappearance than the survivors in Game of Thrones.

More person-hours go into Magic than the space program, so I’m launching myself into this world like a human Curiosity: venturing into a strange new land, learning a lot, and I’ve just realized that this analogy implies I might never come back. Magic is also known as “cardboard crack.” It makes World of Warcraft look like Farmville. This is by far the most dangerous experiment I’ve ever undertaken, and I once tried to set myself on fire from the inside out.

I’m going to play Magic Online Standard non-stop for an entire day. Longtime players tell me this is fairly normal, so I’ve already learned something: playing Magic screws up your idea of normal.  Continue reading