Shia LaBeouf stole an artist’s comic, turned it into a globally distributed movie, and honestly thought no-one would notice. There are teenagers e-mailing naked pictures of themselves to win a free iPad with a better understanding of how the internet works. And at least they’re showing off their own material.
He then stole his apology, then every other apology, then gave an interview which was equal parts “I think I’m smart” and “I couldn’t even spell that sentence”. The only sane explanation for his behavior is proctological research, bleeding-edge boundary-pushing into how big you can make an asshole before it collapses at some kind of colonic Chandrasekhar limit.
And because we really want to see him implode out of existence, here are a few ways he could be even more of an asshole:
5. Find a big-budget movie that’s meant to be about kickass giant robots, then stick his stupid fleshy face in front of the camera so often it forgets how to focus on big things and all the robot fights are blurry messes.
4. Move past merely boring people with non-characters and mount an assault on entertainment itself, finding a way to destroy the legacy of iconic heroes like Indiana Jones so that his mere existence has made even the fictional world a worse place.
3. Use the functionally limitless freedom of fame and fortune to hassle security at a late-night pharmacy, because he actually can’t feel emotion* unless he’s ruining someone’s day.
*Reference: all his movies.
2. Finally discover his perfect character, but it’s an incredibly annoying one, “the infant who’s only two years old but has somehow been pampered for twenty seven” by stomping off in a primadonna huff.
1. Spend thousands of dollars sulking across the sky itself.
But wait! According to these numbers, personality-eschatologist Shia has already done them all, leading us to one inescapable conclusion: Shia LaBeouf could not be more of a jerk.
For more combat proctology, gaze into the gaping abysses of The Other Half Of The Internet’s Worst Nerd Comment, The 4 Worst T-Shirts Ever Made By Man and 10 Stories About Donald Trump You Won’t Believe Are True.
Or risk chafing with even more jerking at Cracked: Why Shia LaBeouf Is Hollywood’s New King of Jerks