5 Ass-Kicking Vehicle Weapons Conversions

This article first appeared on the defunct thecarsumer.com

Some people say that big cars are compensating for something, but when someone uses euphemisms instead of a penis you don’t have to listen to them. Behold five kickass cars which are only “compensating” for the fact most vehicles don’t come from G.I. Joe.

1.  The Gatling Gun Suburban

The first Suburban to justify taking up all that space isn’t screwing around, converting a people-carrier into the exact opposite: a People-Stopper.  And you’d get capitalized too if your roof swung back to unleash a Goddamn Gatling Gun.  For those unfamiliar with kickassology, a Gatling Gun doesn’t shoot people.  It evaporates them with bullets.

If you didn’t watch the video, it fires so fast it sounds like it’s blowing the ultimate raspberry. This is the weapon the French knight from the Holy Grail would use if decided to mock England out of existence.

"I fart in your general direction, but everyone in that direction is shitting themselves."

“I fart in your general direction, but everyone in that direction is shitting themselves.”

The M134D Dillon Aero Steel Gatling Gun is more commonly fitted to warships…

That isn't spray, that's millions of tiny white flags.

That isn’t spray, that’s millions of tiny white flags as the sea surrenders

… and they put one in a car.  Because it’s protecting the President, and anyone trying anything will be turned go from terrorist to terrormist at 50 rounds a second. If this thing kicked any more ass, IT’D be Commander in Chief.

2.  Personal (Flamethrowing) Space

The South Africans are serious about car security, and that’s “Serious” with a capital “Third Degree Burns.”
The ability to summon the surface of the sun outside your door for a few seconds might be both cool and the-exact-opposite-of-that-word, but it only makes sense in a world where armed carjackers obey every single traffic law. The first time someone shunts you will trigger a free lesson in “Installing tanks of flammability under your own ass is a bad idea.”

But it would still be worth it to get rid of stop-light-stalking window washers.

3. Retro Cool

Just in case you thought asskicking was a recent invention:

That’s the Vickers gun, which served in both World Wars – those things where we sacrificed an insane amount of the population to proving that machine guns work terrifyingly well. It was water-cooled, because machine guns were now shooting so many people that they were worried about the poor gun overheating and getting hurt.

Once deployed, the Vickers gun simply didn’t stop. That was for the things it pointed at. At the High Wood action in 1916, ten guns fired continuously for twelve hours, firing over a million rounds without a single breakdown. Which means it’s probably the most reliable part of this vehicle:

"Are we there yet?" "Nobody's shooting at us, so no."

“Are we there yet?” “Nobody’s shooting at us, so no.”

The pic above might look a little rough on the driver – an unshielded meat-steerer while the gunner stays protected – but that’s because of a few mechanical limitations.  Limitations like the Vickers gun being too powerful for the bike to brace. Which means a fight between the Vickers gun and motorbike, the gun wins, even when they’re on the same side and it’s pointing in the opposite direction. This is the official moment when motorbikes surrendered their title as “coolest person-endangering machine ever”, and agreed to carry the gun wherever it needed to go.

4.  The SUV Shotgun

Possibly the most ‘merican machine ever constructed: a shotgun-equipped SUV.  While every reason the second amendment’s a problem south of the Mason-Dixon line owns a shotgun rack, none of those racks could aim and fire twin-linked-shotguns.  Until Now.

That couldn’t be more shitkicking if your wife and sister were sitting in the same seat, and that seat was your lap.  It also misses the point that if you need simultaneous shotguns to take something down, you’re either fighting the Terminator or permanently one bottle of Jack from trying to overthrow the gub’mint.  Luckily this truly terrifying instrument of destruction (from More Industries, whose (now defunct) website denied all knowledge or content apart from the fact the firm exists) doubles as an emergency “ARREST ME NOW” beacon. If you ever see one of these driving anywhere, call the FBI, because the local cops are already gone.

5.  Motorbike Rocket-launcher

Motorbikes have always been at the bottom of the road food-chain – the police at least get upset when you mow down cyclists or pedestrians, but simply getting on a motorbike automatically fills out the “Cause of Death” field on a coroner’s report.  The only sensible objection I’ve ever heard to the term “donorcycle” is from an EMT, who says it’s misleading: wrapping your legs around an engine block and then making a single mistake apparently doesn’t leave any organs in usable condition.

Which is why this man decided to have some fun before he went.

One man, tragically born too late to star in his own 80s cartoon, buildt himself a bike-mounted rocket launcher.  To call the projectiles “unguided” would be suicidal because it would mean you weren’t screaming and ducking. But this man could still be a superhero of our time: all we need to do is get him a theme song, a leather jacket, and a sonic-guidance system which makes the missiles home in on bikers who’ve ruined their mufflers to make them stupid-loud.

For more insane technology: The Z-Machine Is Science-Faction

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