Putin’s Sochi Sexuality Defense Tips

Putin eyes the Olympic logo. Do there have to be so many colors? These feelings make him uncomfortable.

“Must Olympic torch be flaming? Can it not be burning with Soviet heterosexual lust?”

“Must this Olympic torch be flaming? Can it not burn with Soviet heterosexual lust?” (Source: BBC)

He must act swiftly to save Sochi! He issues emergency commands:

  • All figure skaters now compete simultaneously and to the death.
  • Bobsledders must now race down ice channel in four individual one-man sleds. Sport now called “Competitive Pac-Man Ghosting”, still a better sport name than “Skeleton”.
  • The five-rings will be painted camouflage green, hooked to motors, and used to drive a continuous track of linked steel plates. Because advancing tank treads are how Russia has always promoted unity among its member states.
  • Realizing a little late that the “Hot. Cool. Yours.” motto is a bit of a come-on.
  • Any event may be interrupted for up to five hours to set up lighting, install professional camera equipment, and tranquilize competitors to snap a spontaneous shot of Putin winning.
Putin disapproves of jokes about his glans-hat

Putin disapproves of jokes about his glans-hat

  • Try not to let people know that Sochi’s mascot choice was later overruled by the central authority for the good of the entire nation, because that’s almost too much of a parody.
  • Also don’t let people know how the most popular “counter-cultural” mascot in the official votes was a plant by the official committee, and mysteriously vanished before the next round despite winning the popular vote in the first. Comrade, can we not even select a cuddly cartoon character without making a sinister mockery of democracy?
  • Realize original plan to build stadium out of frozen blocks of cash may have been less expensive, and actually made it slightly harder for corrupt political barons to steal.
  • Ask soldiers not to do quite so much Male Partner Crotch Stretching in public during the games.
"Who put the stick up his ass?" "I did, remember? That's what we're doing here." (Source: REUTERS/Alexander Natruskin (RUSSIA))

“Who put the stick up his ass?” “I did, remember? That’s what we’re doing here.” (Source: REUTERS/Alexander Natruskin (RUSSIA))

  • Create a real actual “forbidden zone”. Try not to cackle too much in public. Check again if the FSB  have found anyone called James Bond to kill just for the look of the thing.
  • Fill Sochi with tens of thousands of armed soldiers, none of whom will react well to being told the Olympics started as naked male wrestling.
  • Realize that, all told, stress about the US sending gay sports stars into Russian territory is still better than when it was multiple-independent-reentry-vehicle thermonuclear warheads.

Behold more glorious Putin with Vladimir Putin Wins Russian Man, Woman, and Sleigh Dog of the Year Awards.

Or enjoy the movie trilogy trope of initial success, hype it up, it all goes wrong in the real world with the Vladimir Triptych:

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