5 Ways Shia LaBeouf Could Be More Of A Jerk

Shia LaBeouf stole an artist’s comic, turned it into a globally distributed movie, and honestly thought no-one would notice. There are teenagers e-mailing naked pictures of themselves to win a free iPad with a better understanding of how the internet works. And at least they’re showing off their own material.

He then stole his apology, then every other apology, then gave an interview which was equal parts “I think I’m smart” and “I couldn’t even spell that sentence”. The only sane explanation for his behavior is proctological research, bleeding-edge boundary-pushing into how big you can make an asshole before it collapses at some kind of colonic Chandrasekhar limit.

And because we really want to see him implode out of existence, here are a few ways he could be even more of an asshole:

5. Find a big-budget movie that’s meant to be about kickass giant robots, then stick his stupid fleshy face in front of the camera so often it forgets how to focus on big things and all the robot fights are blurry messes.

4. Move past merely boring people with non-characters and mount an assault on entertainment itself, finding a way to destroy the legacy of iconic heroes like Indiana Jones so that his mere existence has made even the fictional world a worse place.

3. Use the functionally limitless freedom of fame and fortune to hassle security at a late-night pharmacy, because he actually can’t feel emotion* unless he’s ruining someone’s day.

*Reference: all his movies.

2. Finally discover his perfect character, but it’s an incredibly annoying one, “the infant who’s only two years old but has somehow been pampered for twenty seven” by stomping off in a primadonna huff.

1. Spend thousands of dollars sulking across the sky itself.

But wait! According to these numbers, personality-eschatologist Shia has already done them all, leading us to one inescapable conclusion: Shia LaBeouf could not be more of a jerk.


For more combat proctology, gaze into the gaping abysses of The Other Half Of The Internet’s Worst Nerd CommentThe 4 Worst T-Shirts Ever Made By Man and 10 Stories About Donald Trump You Won’t Believe Are True.

Or risk chafing with even more jerking at Cracked: Why Shia LaBeouf Is Hollywood’s New King of Jerks

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The Glorious Meat Future

Moral quandaries are mere gaps in technology. Before, people didn’t even know that they could want a thing. After, it’s unnecessary or taken for granted. It’s only in between that people argue with themselves.

In the days of the caves people were hungry and hacked animals into delicious stips. The only worry involved in eating animals was making sure that they didn’t do the same to us. In the present we luxuriate in enough wealth to wonder whether we wouldn’t feel better about a traffic light diet, stopping all the red and only going on green dead things. And if we survive into the future technology will solve that problem too.

We’ve already got 3D flesh printers and embryonic stem cells. If we make it far enough we’ll have fusion-powered factories capable of turning energy directly into anything we need, and we’ll use it for flesh, just like we built a global supercomputer information network and used that for flesh.

This isn’t luxury: the primary problem for a population which refuses to compensate for a lack of predators is food supply. Our advantage is how we straddle such ridiculously mismatched energy levels. At the same time our bodies are scraping a few kilocalories from a slurry of pink slime, our buildings are pumping out megawatts of energy, while our brains are working out to replicate the sun itself. Right now the only connection between our bellies and fusion is the plant life, an immense chlorophyllic converter. It’s only a matter of time until we build a better one.

We could replace our digestive systems with an internal reprocessor to electrically undo all our metabolic waste, turning us into closed systems immune to hunger and thirst as we endlessly recycle our organic material. In the same we could use the internet for nothing but the broadcast of simple government instructions to optimize population work-efficiency. That is to say, bollocks to that.

We’ll be able to eat anything. When energy is the only input to our nanostructuring engines, we can program whatever we want instead of killing it. An initial flurry of poached panda, fried eagle, dolphin drizzled in reduction of white truffle. The inevitable attempts to be edgy by eating human flesh, upping the ante by cloning specific people, then a burst of baiting headlines wondering if hitlerflesh is kosher (only part of another iteration of “should we update our obsolete anathemas in the face of updated technology this time?”). Scraping some samples of fossilized dodo in a desperate attempt to generate a new product. Jurassic Burger doing reasonably well despite the impossibility of them having recovered any organic samples to work with.

And once we get that out of our systems, we’ll be able to have some real fun. Designer meats! Novel protein chains designed entirely for the ingester instead of the owner. Sacroplasmics structured for savour, myofibrillars made for maximum maceration sensation, collagen constructed for full-bodied texture and perfectly interspersed between fibres which will only ever experience muscle motion when they undergo peristalsis. It’ll make Wagyu Kobe beef look like frozen fish fingers.

We’ll eat all the organs of our imagination. The tongue-glorying granularity of high-gravity whale liver. The perfect chew of zero-gravity bird heart. Weekly updates of new designer flesh, freed from the restriction of waiting for our ecosystem-chef to evolve new menu items. The top rated designload on meatr by CrizzpyMan420. An ever-exanding feedback between cooking techniques and newly-specified materials. And everyone will be able to eat all of it.

(Which won’t stop some people from inventing reasons to object, as they always do, but as long as they enjoy objecting then the technology is helping them have a good time too.)

The future: it’s going to be delicious.

5 Ways To Make New Year’s Resolutions That Work

New year’s resolutions embody the Hollywood ideal that all you need to do declare how badly you want something, then you can get it, and everything else will somehow work out. Unfortunately that’s a recipe for credit-card debt instead of self-improvement. Which is why I’ve found five ways to make new year’s resolutions which work.

1. Use A Genie

(Source: Disney)

(Source: Disney)

Pro: A spiritual djinn, a magical being made of smokeless and scorching fire, is still the most sensible way to expect that simply saying something will cause it to happen.

Con: Genies are usually total pricks about it. Something about being enslaved and then forced to labor by someone who can’t even be bothered to speak their original language. If you wish to lose weight, you’re likely to lose your legs in a car crash. If you resolve to spend more time with your family, you’ll be put into a coma by the same car crash and they’ll all gather to have the life-support conversation.

2. Be Batman

Batman can resolve anything up to and including Kryptonian attack (Source: DC)

Batman can resolve anything up to and including Kryptonian attack (Source: DC)

Pro: Batman is the avatar of self-improvement, routinely outperforming people with incredible natural advantages through sheer determination and hard work.

Con: None of your resolutions can be fun. You’ll spend the new year tracking down the munitions factory where Calendar Man made the Auld Land Mines you spent New Year’s Eve defusing, and any spare time will go into learning to rap in Rongorongo to be prepared for any possible Silver Banshee/Music Meister team-up.

3. Use A Cosmic Cube

(Source: Marvel)

(Source: Marvel)

Pro: New year’s resolutions are about skipping all the complicated work and thought involved in making an interesting change to you world and instead using a few lazy words. Which is exactly what Marvel did with the Cosmic Cube. Just getting things done no matter how stupid or impossible they should be is exactly and literally the cube’s function.

Con: The only Cosmic Cube wishes which ever stay wished are the ones which undo previous wishes. In fact, as the existence of these total reality-rewrite engines doesn’t seem to affect everyday life in the Marvel universe at all, they’re actually representations of how people ignore the benefits of incredible new technologies and opportunities in favor of laziness.

4. SERPENTOR VOICE!

Pro: Beats the hell out of the wheedling wimp-tone normally adopted by self-help confectioners. Issue all resolutions to yourself in the tone of Serpentor, and they’ll be far more effective. THIS I COMMAND!

Con: I’m going to level with you: this has never, ever worked for Serpentor, and that has never, ever stopped me from continuing to emulate him. (Thanks to @funranium for introducing me to this and many more self-improvement facts.)

5. Downgrade To Daily

It turns out that gathering up all your urges to improve yourself and grow for an entire year into one annual spurt only works when you’re a plant. Us animals need to get a more metabolic move on.

I talked about how to make reasonable resolutions last year, and as part of the whole point I’m improving on that this year: make daily resolutions instead. First thing in the morning, write down what you want to improve that day and then save the file. The next morning you open it, read it, delete the text, and rewrite. The vast majority of our petty failures come from a simple lack of thought. This process refreshes the urge every morning, enables your brain when you face the relevant problem, and if you’re a writer it’s a sneaky way to get the word-motors revved in the process.


Continue your auto-upgrade campaign with these self-improvement guides:

5 Nerd Hacks That Make You Less Of A Jerk

The 5 Most Obnoxious Ways People Screw Up Apologies