The Stupidest Superheroic Reactions

I wrote an article about awesome superheroes for a comedy site, which should have been about as controversial as enjoying ice-cream. Which only reveals that I’ve never read the “CHOCOLATE RIPPLE SHOULD DIE IN A FIRE” threads on the coldcreamydudes forum. I described how five heroes I like deserved a movie before Ant-Man.

Reactions included:

  • Being accused of writing feminism for blowjobs, by someone with no experience of either, and a wildly optimistic interpretation of what’s possible via electronic transfers.
  • Being told that Hollywood knows what’s best by someone who appeared to be entirely serious.
  • Aaaaaah, but I noticed that so many of the movie heroes so far are male, so I am the true sexist.
  • In response to Ant-Man’s famed status as a wife beater: being told that it was blown out of all proportion, that it didn’t really happen that often, that he was really a great guy with lots of good qualities, and that the Wasp was stupid anyway.
  • Being accused of hating on Edgar Wright, despite not saying a single word about the actual Ant-Man movie, and it being impossible to hate anyone involved in Hot Fuzz.
  • The classic comment strategy of attempting to find a microscopic flaw in my statements so that I disappear in a puff of inequality. “Aha! Armor is Asian and not black! That’s too racist, somehow, so we’d better stick with the safe default of straight white men.” THAT’S NOT A DEFAULT! Monochrome monosexual maleness is not the standard setting of the human body, and you’re not avoiding the issue by staying there, you’re making an increasingly obvious point on the wrong side of it.
  • Bemoaning the loss of journalistic objectivity in an opinion column about fictional characters on a comedy site.
  • People, poor people incapable of joy, saying Armor sucks.
armorpunch

That’s their problem

  • Some of them finally found this site! I would say it was slower than I expected, but being slow and incapable of processing new information is pretty much their deal. Hilariously some of them think you can just post offensive images on every site just like their festering home-forums, having never heard of this amazing thing called “comment moderation”. Why yes, it was a meme image featuring a homophobic slurs, how did you know?
  • People saying that the list should have included Storm, and Captain Marvel, and the new Ms. Marvel (who faces problems you can’t punch), Dazzler, Kitty Pryde, the Montoya Question, and many more, and all being absolutely right. More adventures is the entire point of comic books and movies.

More comic thoughts in Overanalysis Theater: Iron Man Is Earth’s Mightiest Hero and Continuity Casualties: Lady Blackhawk.

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20 thoughts on “The Stupidest Superheroic Reactions

  1. Hollywood knows best! That’s why we have such amazing Jonah Hex, Green Lantern, and Daredevil movies.

  2. Dude. If you can get blowjobs for feminism, I have been doing feminism wrong for SO MANY YEARS.

  3. Your first mistake was reading the comments at all. Wretched hive, scum, villainy, you know the drill.

  4. Ah, commenters, the days of my disdain for you have certainly come to a middle.

  5. I just read the article, and DIDN’T read the comments, since I knew they’d be exactly like you described. That’s just what happens when you say anything nice on the internet about anything female other than boobs. Really, like, point for point. There are bingo cards for it.

    So don’t take it personally, but this is definitely personal: from a former nine year old girl in a comic book store who’s been waiting these thirty years since for a Wonder Woman movie, thank you very much. You actually made me cry a little. :)

  6. You do know that the Ant-man movie is going to be about Scott Lang, not Hank Pym?

    • Yes, which is why I talked about what “Ant-Man” was famous for, not “Hank Pym” specifically. By the time you’re distinguishing between the three separate Ant-Men, you’re far beyond the majority who look at the poster and go “Ant-Man, huh.”

      • So why do you mention him beating his wife?
        Also, do you actually read comics? Today? Right now?

      • No, I write about comics all the time because my cats have visions and purr them into my mind as I sleep. Curse you, detecting my weakness! If only more anonymous commenters crusaded for qualifications!

      • My anonymity makes any comment I make less valid, okay I get it.
        I just don’t understand your position here. Is your claim that the public will look at Ant-Man and go “Well that’s dumb”, and thus we should make a push for more obscure characters to have movies because they’re female?

    • I’m not 100% sure, but I think Luke’s position here is “there are at least five superheroes who should’ve gotten a movie before Ant Man.” His argument is “look at them, and also jokes.”

  7. RDJ isn’t white, just so you know.

    Also, good work on marginalizing Blade, Agent J, Spawn, Hit Girl (who had as much, if not more screen time as Kickass), Catwoman, Elektra, Gamora and Drax in GotG, and ignoring the upcoming Heroes for Hire netflix tv series. Or ignoring that Black Panther and Ms Marvel scripts are in the works.

    Also, your ideas show a lack of understanding of how movies work. Rescue’s entire presence in a disaster movie deflates the drama that comes from disaster movies. Armor has no defining story arcs, she has no rogues and she has much less personality than other characters, which makes her ill suited toward a lead role in a movie.

    Your bias for your pet characters showed through hard.

    • Curse you, seeing through my subtle oppression strategy. You’re right, my graphic about the stars of motion pictures named after a single character since Batman Begins didn’t include characters from multiple character movies or ones from before Batman Begins! I also exhibited a tragic lack of foresight in not including movies which don’t exist yet (afraid I’m selfishly using my futurevision to buy lottery tickets).
      And as for poor Armor, what are the chances of a movie telling a new story about a character? Madness!

    • RDJ isn’t White?

      Somebody better tell that to his Swiss/German/Scottish/Irish-Canadian/Eastern European self then, because that’s pretty White to me.

  8. I’m not sure I actually trust Hollywood to make a superhero movie starring a female hero. I mean, Catwoman. Elektra. Maybe if they put Joss in charge of it, it might turn out all right, but otherwise…

  9. “Bemoaning the loss of journalistic objectivity in an opinion column about fictional characters on a comedy site”

    Hey, remember how most of your other comic posts were specifically objective? Maybe we were literally bemoaning the loss of a precedent that you set, which was fucking awesome. Hence the sense of loss and the requisite bemoaning.

    My problem with the article was that it didn’t have the research and justification of your other ones. It was just a list of your favorite heroes, like a buzzfeed article or a live journal or something. That isn’t usually crackeds schtick.

    • Thanks for writing back to clarify, even after my response didn’t give you much reason to continue the conversation!
      I think I didn’t pick up on your “compared to my own past articles” angle because I put just as much research and work into this one, and the previous ones were just as influenced by my preferences. A problem seems to be the lack of resonance between me and a few readers this time – when I say Iron Man is awesome, lots of people agree, but not so many are fond of Armor. Which was part of why I wrote about her: I think not enough people know about her.

      But I will check about that: When it’s a bit cooler in my head, I’ll go back and compare this one to some others, and see if there is anything I can improve for the next one.

  10. So Luke do you just automatically assume that everyone who disagrees with you is an idiot who can’t process new information?

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