Cyclops Should Be The Best Boyfriend Of All Time

The X-Men’s Cyclops is famous for being about as romantic as being shot in the face, even though he does the exact opposite every day. He’s as much fun to date as fossilized excrement, and the only reason he ever has relationships is “You’re both primary characters so get on with it”. His lack of lovability comes from his absolute dedication to training and improving his abilities, motivated by:

  • Truly internalizing the fear that mutant powers could kill people at any second
  • Shouldering the burden of leading mutantkind in a world which hates and fears them

You can see why he’s humorless. But the same factors should make him the best boyfriend of all time.

Being honest, this is more fun than most dates. (Source: Marvel)

Being honest, this is more fun than most dates. (Source: Marvel)

Why? Because in most continuities his girlfriend is Jean Grey, most powerful psychic on the planet, frequent avatar of the Phoenix Force which could destroy everything ever, and single mutant most likely to kill all the people at any second. Which makes Scott our point man for

  1. Being there for her when she needs to share her worries about losing control.
  2. Knowing her so intimately that he can tell when she’s not sharing her worries about losing control, again, because she’s only an Omega-level mutant with the power destroy minds and planets, why on Earth would she warn people, of course she’ll just hold her forehead for a second and think “Oh it’s nothing, I’d better not tell anyone I’m about to psionically destroy everything again“.
  3. Reminding her of her humanity through the power of love to save us when she starts psionically destroying everything again.

That’s three different ways he can save the world, and they’re all crippled by being colder than a broken robot. They’re primary characters in a relationship more predestined than Romeo & Juliet, and it often takes them years to even admit that they like each other. There’s no point in assembling an academy of mutant might to deal with threats to humanity when your strategy for dealing with psychic Armageddon is being too shy to bring it up.

It’ll also help with human-mutant relations. Phoenix and Dark Phoenix are the first time that both the good and evil versions of something have threatened to destroy the planet and been the same person. Jean Grey alone sets back sapien-superior peace by infinity years. In the series the metaracism might swing up and down in a sinewave of storyline-necessity, but no sane human would be okay with letting one person run around with the ability to end everything.

“So you’re saying she can destroy the planet sometimes, or destroy the minds of anyone she likes anytime?”

“Yes, but only when she’s under great stress.”

“So how do you deal with that?”

“Oh, you know, make her dress in skintight latex and take her places people are trying to kill her every week.”

darkphoenix

“It’s not an ideal strategy.”

We know that it’s actually the Phoenix Force, and good luck explaining that to people who hate and fear you.

“It’s not her, it’s an incarnation of the omniversal creative spark energy which happens to be hosted by her. Basically a big cosmic force boy did it and ran away.” 

So if Scott Summers wants to dedicate his life to training to protect the world? Brilliant! That training should be romantic! He should be Casanova 9000! He should have doctorates in being the world’s greatest listener, psychologist, and lovemaker. His endless training in Danger Room sessions should focus on massage and advanced hand-holding, perfecting his ability to front-flip through open windows without spilling the poured glass of red wine while using his optic blasts to light the candles he’s covered the room with. Because if he can keep Jean Grey happy he’ll have done more to protect the planet than the X-Men and Avengers combined.


Indulge in more overanalysis with Why Tony Stark Is Earth’s Mightiest Hero, and 6 Reasons Iron Man Is Objectively Better Than Batman.

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10 thoughts on “Cyclops Should Be The Best Boyfriend Of All Time

  1. “Scott, bub! Me and Gambit are gonna hit the bars later tonight. You down?”

    “Sorry, Logan, no time. Jean’s been stressed all week, and Valentine’s Day is two days from now. I have to be ready.

  2. This is fantastic – but then again, I always did like Scott.

  3. Great piece. Nailed it better than I ever could.

  4. Oh, wait….The studio execs are irritated that I tried to be in two franchises at once so they killed me out of spite. Now what?

  5. Yaaaaaaaay! Somebody who doesn’t hate Cyclops!

    • He CAN rock! I mean, yeah, it’s only happened like four times or something, but I’m always disappointed when “actually gives a rat’s ass about responsibility” comes across as “boring buzzkill jerk”. I mean, it’s not his fault that he can’t meta-know that all mutants will always be fine and alive with only minor interruptions.

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