Saving America With Superior Weaponry

I’m inspired by the US delivering advanced computers to foreign schools, though it’s a shame they’re in the nosecones of high-explosive bombs. Those things cost over twenty thousand dollars each. Which means US schools could combat government education cuts by combating the government directly. It sounds scary, but it’s outright terrifying that the richest country in the world is more interested in funding smart bombs than smart citizens.

Declare US schools to be hot-beds of future civil unrest and anti-capitalist criminals, because when you cut funding to education that’s exactly what they are. The government wouldn’t even need to give them the money, just save gas money by dropping the same bombs on their own country. The students could cut out a useful computer, use the shell casing as sports equipment, and if the teacher has four hundred pounds of high explosive to play with maybe the they’ll finally shut up and listen to history for fear of becoming it.

In fact, we could solve all the US’s problems with improved weaponry:

  • Projectile syringes so that vaccinations can be delivered by shooting people, immediately forcing every state to mandate it no matter how many people are vaccinated against their will. Especially in schools.
  • Release pressure on homosexual issues by requiring any man who wants to hold a gun to hold someone else’s erect penis first. If you can’t handle something that shoots life, you’re not allowed anything that shoots death.
  • Retask InterContinental Ballistic Missiles to target offshore bank accounts instead of nuclear warheads. Politely invite corporations to pay taxes instead of accountants.
  • Require congresspeople to receive one weekly tasing per hundred thousand dollars of corporate sponsorship received. At the very least this would result in younger blatant corruption.
  • Flamethrowers could be adapted to deal with the Westboro Baptist Church by being pointed at the Westboro Baptist Church.

More military solutions with

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