Neutrino is already known to our vets as “M4”, “THAT cat”, and various other capitalized keywords meaning “Get the reinforced gloves and don’t bother being nice”. He’s a more urgent reason to wear protection for rough physical contact thanan S&M brothel. Luckily today I was bringing friendly little Striker instead.
And he exploded.
He was friendly until he felt the stethoscope on his chest, worked out that this new person was a vet, and switched from “friendly” to “food processor MAX”. I touched him to calm him down, which doesn’t work on waste disposal units. He put six scars on my arm faster than a relay race team of offended samurai.
He’d transformed from the cuddliest possible example of ignorance as bliss to an unstoppable beast-mode, an Incredible Hulk armed with Wolverine claws and a dash of Flash speed. No matter what direction anyone approached from, any part they touched became “TEETH AND CLAWS”. If two people had touched him at once he would have exploded into hedgehoggery. He was hissing the entire time, but this wasn’t “I’m a snake”, it was “See these sharp things in my face because you won’t when they’re in yours if you come closer!”
It would have been less dangerous if I’d put a mine on the table, because that could only scar the victim once. This wasn’t just Jekyll-and-Hyde, this was some secret weapons program craziness. Someday shadowy government agents are going to turn up to recover their lost C.overt A.nimal T.error weapon. And he is going to shred them. We won’t even need to hide the bodies, just stir fry them with soy and rice wine.
Striker got the glove treatment, and the entire staff of the vet (only two people but it sounds more impressive), and escalated things to the ultimate weapon in feline-physician combat: the towel. Even then it took both staff to hold him wrapped for long enough for injection, and even then only because I was offering myself as a target instead.
The result? Striker is vaccinated, my arm looks like I tried to tickle Jaws’s tonsils, and our vet thinks we’re a vicious combat cat training facility.