• Remember that nipples may only be displayed when labeled with a Y chromosome invisible to the naked eye.
• Since nonfunctional male nipples may be safely disported, impotent genitals may now also be flopped in public.
• Functional nipples may not be displayed in public. Functional firearms are fine.
• It has come to our attention that around 10% of men may be excited by the sight of male nipples. For this reason a random one in ten men will be selected and forbidden from showing their nipples in public, yet constantly exhorted to show their nipples in public.
• Remember that you can billboard more curves than the Monaco grand prix circuit as long as you don’t show reveal an areola. To remain consistent with this, you may now also publicly display your ass as long as you don’t show the anus, the vulva as long as you don’t show the vaginal opening, and the penis as long as you do not show the entrance of the urethra.
• If you wish to breastfeed in public, please assure passersby that you are actually advertising shampoo.
• Should the she-devil persist in advertising the devil’s tacks, aye, she shall be transported to the new continent. (INTERNAL NOTE: we may need to review the wording here)
• Moobs are fine even when far exceeding the size and pendulosity of breasts.
• Ladynips remain bad because they remind a small group of old white men of sex. Maybe other people too, but it’s important that we utterly disconnect a small group of men from regular life then put them in charge of it. And everybody knows that the most pleasurable act of love people can share that’s required for the survival of the species is the worst thing there could ever be.
• Guns: still fine. Stick ’em on the side of buses to sell toys to children.
• Okay, tell you what, we’ll use this inter-net thing to see what else is sexy and we’ll ban that too.
• Holy crap, sandals are now banned you filthy footmerchants.
• Armpits must now be covered at all times.
• If we see you open your mouth you’ll be fined for public indecency.
• OH MY GOD MY LITTLE PONIES MAY NOW ONLY BE BOUGHT IN SEALED LEAD-LINED BOXES.

Remember, be able to publicly display your nipples to claim your bonus thirty cents per dollar!

• Paul
• Billy
• BondJamesBondYesReallyNoImNotASpy
• Jimbo
• Jack
• Jacques
• Jacqueline (deep cover)
• Jax (with cyborg arms and fatality)
• Aloysius
• Peregrine Q Whimplethumper the third
• Captain Spyguy
• Slam Bulkhead
• YouMustBeThinkingOfMyBrother
• NoIJustLookALotLikeHim
• The Queen
• Banksy
• The Nameless One (extremely false, excellent spycraft)
• Elvis Presley (an unremarkable name at the time)
• C’thulhu (an extremely remarkable name at any time, and yea, past time and through time to the shadowed deaths beyond)
• Michael Ellis Week
• Smoke Monster (more disappointing than mysterious)
• Doomguy
• Sigerson
• Sigerdaughter
• Sigercousin
• Sigercommitedtomorenamesthaneasilyimagined
• Bob
• Legion O’Thatstakendamn
• Hisnameislegionwould McAmuchbettertitle
• That guy in the book whose title sounds less impressively espionagey than perhaps was intended.

Katanas now function mainly as warning signs. Anyone who wants to carry a blade is at least part-terrible, but katanas elevate that to an entire identity while maintaining maintaining total incompetence. Most people dedicating their lives to awful things at least gain some sort of skill – there are people out there much better at drawing and anatomy thanks to a lifelong quest to render My Little Pony vulvae – but mall-warrior katana-wielders can spend lives and fortunes without ever even seeing the real thing. Which is still designed for viciously ruining people.

To defend yourself against the modern katana-wielder:

• Your best defensive option is to close your browser.
• Hit them with a crowbar while they’re thinking about how cool it’ll look as they draw their sword.
• In fact, just carrying anything except a sword means you’re more likely to get to the fight without being arrested and will win by default.
• They’ll probably let you hit them because they’ll be too worried about damaging their sword, the exact opposite of how you’re meant to use a weapon.
• If you don’t have a crowbar, just swing at them with anything you have to hand.
• Chairs are particularly good. You actually have to be pretty skilled with a weapon to trump “WWE violence for real”.
• Just run away for like thirty seconds. I like your odds of them not being able to keep up.
• Ask them how many times its been folded. Their explanation of how stirring metal somehow renders it immune to materials science, fatigue, force, and thermodynamics will give you time to escape.
• Distract them by shouting that anime sucks. Playing the odds here.
• Have the fight anywhere public. Swords are worse than firing a signal flare saying “I AM A LETHAL THREAT BUT CAN STILL BE SAFELY TAKEN DOWN FROM ANY RANGE WHATSOEVER”, because signal flares actually have range.

I’ve written about sexism, racism, and homophobia, and I’ve never received as many angry comments as when I said katanas would suck in a zombie apocalypse. I could make a joke about priorities but again, I wrote about katanas sucking in a zombie apocalypse. And got paid for it. I have both won and lost this game of priorities.

A summary of my options when voting for European MEPs yesterday:

• The bastards selling off the health service
• The bastards who went to war
• The bastards who’ll do whatever the other bastards say just to sit on the other side of a hall
• Racist bastards
• More racist bastards
• Even more racist bastards, to the point where they name their party after hating foreigners
• This is actually a wonderful self-limiting factor of their urge to break with other organizations that would help them – if every one of these anti-immigration nutbars insists on forming their own party, they’ll all get exactly one vote and never achieve any power
• I swear to god there was yet another “Everyone out of my country!” party with just one candidate and organizer. Honestly, if UKIP aren’t hateful enough for you, I’m glad you’re taking the effort to alert the community to your existence and name.
• The “We think the word environmentalism means travelling backwards in time” party.
• “We believe in peace, equality, and aha, you thought you found someone to vote for, but we also believe in reversing the flow of time, despite that making the first two considerably less possible” party.

Every election should have a “none of the above” option. When Richard Pryor can provide better options without even swearing there may be room for improvement.

I’m 35 and that number feels more like a bank error in my favor than any kind of age. Most people might call this time for half-time report or a mid-life review, but most people don’t have several metric tons of rock as a spiritual adviser. Having your leg crushed under an inexpressibly massive boulder kicks the shit out of lying on a couch in terms of psychological adjustment, while radically increasing your love for lying on couches whenever possible.

I’m halfway through nothing, I’m fourteen years into bonus overtime and enjoying every second. So let’s see how the high score is stacking up against all the goals I had when I was younger.

Have Optimus Prime: CHECK!

Growing up doesn’t putting away childish things, it means being able to afford them. As a child my only Transformers were minicheap “Pipes” and Sludge, a dinobot I found for 50 pence at a car boot sale, and no Antiques Roadshow millionaire has ever felt such joy at their discovery. His main enemy was his own shell when I was playing with a screwdriver.

Have the complete Constructicon Devastator:  Nope.

It’s effectively more expensive now because of collectors. I started buying one of the new sets of Constructicons until it turned out that the left side was just a repaint of the right side, and that’s such lazy bullshit it manages to make symmetry ugly.

Work with computers: UNEXPECTED CHECK!

My only motivation in going to university was to learn about computers, but the whole point of university is learning more than you expect. I ended up doing physics on the grounds that I could study physics and own a computer, but if I studied studying computers I wouldn’t be able to afford a laser interferometer setup. And now any job in the world involves more computers than my MSX 64k self could have imagined. When I fly I have to put more computing equipment in a tray than 1980’s NASA. And I still with computers, and enjoy it far more.

Buy all the video games I want: 100% COMPLETION

This was a bit of a Twilight Zone wish, with Sony and Microsoft making it easy for me to buy every game I wanted by destroying their ability to provide any. I’ll wait for the PS3 to get even cheaper and then buy every game I wanted from the last generation. On the upside, Steam means I now have enough games to play even if I turn out to be immortal.

Meet a girl: ULTRA CHECK

I didn’t have great hopes as a young teen. Luckily, like all young teens, I was wrong about almost everything and had a great time anyway. I’m now married to the beautiful Dr X. Who is so far beyond anything I would have dared to ask a genie for, I take care not to look too hard at optical illusions, and never wonder about mysterious bruises on my body, just in case this all turns out to be a coma-induced fantasy provided by my subconscious.

An Incredible Cocktail Cabinet: CHECK

I clearly remember my undergraduate self walking to the off-license counter with a six-pack of Dutch Gold and a septuple-checked kilogram of pennies which exactly matched the price. Walking past all the brightly colored bottles of joy I thought “Some day I’m going to own every single one of them.”

Now I not only own them, I get paid to drink them and tell people about it.

I even get the anti-genie joy of something better than what I would have wished for, getting to talk about videogames for money instead of the actually-pretty-annoying job of reviewing them.

All that with wonderful friends and family too. Any day I don’t feel like the luckiest person in the world, I recognize that as an error condition, and think about my life until I do. Then I thank anyone reading my stuff for making it all possible!