How To Defend Yourself From A Katana

Katanas now function mainly as warning signs. Anyone who wants to carry a blade is at least part-terrible, but katanas elevate that to an entire identity while maintaining maintaining total incompetence. Most people dedicating their lives to awful things at least gain some sort of skill – there are people out there much better at drawing and anatomy thanks to a lifelong quest to render My Little Pony vulvae – but mall-warrior katana-wielders can spend lives and fortunes without ever even seeing the real thing. Which is still designed for viciously ruining people.

To defend yourself against the modern katana-wielder:

  • Your best defensive option is to close your browser.
  • Hit them with a crowbar while they’re thinking about how cool it’ll look as they draw their sword.
  • In fact, just carrying anything except a sword means you’re more likely to get to the fight without being arrested and will win by default.
  • They’ll probably let you hit them because they’ll be too worried about damaging their sword, the exact opposite of how you’re meant to use a weapon.
  • If you don’t have a crowbar, just swing at them with anything you have to hand.
  • Chairs are particularly good. You actually have to be pretty skilled with a weapon to trump “WWE violence for real”.
  • Just run away for like thirty seconds. I like your odds of them not being able to keep up.
  • Ask them how many times its been folded. Their explanation of how stirring metal somehow renders it immune to materials science, fatigue, force, and thermodynamics will give you time to escape.
  • Distract them by shouting that anime sucks. Playing the odds here.
  • Have the fight anywhere public. Swords are worse than firing a signal flare saying “I AM A LETHAL THREAT BUT CAN STILL BE SAFELY TAKEN DOWN FROM ANY RANGE WHATSOEVER”, because signal flares actually have range.

I’ve written about sexism, racism, and homophobia, and I’ve never received as many angry comments as when I said katanas would suck in a zombie apocalypse. I could make a joke about priorities but again, I wrote about katanas sucking in a zombie apocalypse. And got paid for it. I have both won and lost this game of priorities.


3 thoughts on “How To Defend Yourself From A Katana

  1. Are there really people who carry a katana around? Like, in the real world, outside of movies? I’ve only ever seen them used as decoration.

  2. NOT ALL ANIME FANS. Hehehehehe, sorry, funny column there, thanks for sharing

  3. Because screw thousands of years of culture, anyone with a certain sword and love for comics can be Japanese if they want to…

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