Last week I  spent ten minutes in the supermarket learning that in Britain arugula is called “rocket”. Which is an incredibly vigorous name for a vegetable which, while quite nice, does still look and taste like a weed which has only been let into our food on its best behaviour. Since then I’ve been upgrading fruits and vegetables with much more exciting names.

• Broccoli: Fractalgreen
• Tomatoes: Shirtbleeders
• Strawberries: Bitenipples
• Cucumber: Youcummer
• Carrot: Questionable PhD Elevator
• Pomegranate: Tasteshrapnel
• Kiwis: Tastytestes
• Pineapple: Sunweight
• Olives: Suncoal
• Asparagus: Crunchspear
• Courgette: Notcumber