The German World Cup Squad Attempts Other Sports

After a 7-1 annihilation of Brazil’s ability to ever even hear the words “World Cup” without wincing, the German football team went on to try their feet at other sports.

  • André Schürrle makes a stab at fencing, accidentally projecting his opponent him into low Earth orbit. The defeated fencer joins the Brazil football team-in-exile aboard the International Space Station.
  • Toni Kroos becomes the first person to circumnavigate the globe while hang-gliding.
  • Miroslav Klose scores a point in beach volleyball, spiking the ball so hard it penetrates the Earth’s crust and creates the Klose volcano. He wins by default.
  • Thomas Muller’s attempts to play squash are rebranded as a building demolition service.
  • Jérôme Boateng wins a baton twirling contest when the resulting cyclone sucks his competitors into the sky.
  • The brutal Impact Killer is found not guilty of multiple manslaughter when he’s revealed to be Philipp Lahm attempting dodgeball.
  • International geography is rocked when Mount Everest drops eight kilometers rather than face Benedikt Höwedes’s attempt at mountaineering.
  • Bastian Schweinsteiger accidentally causes a forty-eight hour day by unicycling.
  • Mesut Özil retires from professional competition to take up laser tag, only to accidentally make pulsed-beam contact with three alien civilizations.
  • Roman Weidenfeller accidentally wins the first three-way game of Ba against the entirety of Scotland, having simply gotten lost on his way to Edinburgh.
  • American football is finally renamed to American handball after Per Mertesacker shows them what football really is, finally, in the name of all that is spherical and kicked with feet.
  • Desperately seeking something they can lose at Sami Khedira volunteers for a Sumo match. He accidentally pushes entirely through his opponent, emerging victoriously sumo-flavored on the other side of the ring.

Driven by desperate modesty, the German football team pledge to seal away their powers where they can never threaten to excite the world again, and spend the rest of their lives playing cricket.

Behold more physical challenges with

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