The Truth About Cats

Cats are an invasive species which will exterminate other living things for fun, or just out of habit, and will appropriate any space, object, or resource they find as their own. Of course humans love them. We practically are them. They found the highest branch of the evolutionary tree and leapt onto it.

Cats are a far better representation of human society than dogs. Dogs are a goal, a utopian ideal. I have never seen anyone or anything as happy in their work as a sheepdog. Dogs get to talk to their god every day, and their god gives them instructions. Clear, concise instructions. Things like “run!” and “lie down!” and definitely not “discriminate!” or “refuse to teach people about the most basic and inevitable sexual processes”.

Cats base their survival on comfort instead of obedience. Even without their plague-defense properties, they work as genetically engineered mobile pillows which can warm your soul as well as your body. And they have to work with us because we’ve reversed evolution in every other arena. We’ve created a world with more reality show contestants than tigers – although I have an idea which will solve both problems simultaneous with becoming the most popular reality show of all time. Also the last one.

"Returning again is last season's champion, Raja, who is also a small percentage of runners-up Chad, Dillon, and Stephani." (Source)

“Returning again is last season’s champion, Raja, who is also a small percentage of runners-up Chad, Dillon, and Stephani.” (Source)

Cats only have a few people they’re prepared to be near, and they’re prepared to comfortably cuddle against those people while they both sit and stare for hours. No wonder they’re popular online: they’re the perfect pet for internet users. Which is why some people feel the need to spoil it by banging on about how cats are supposedly “evil”, as if every single owner didn’t already know. Which is why I wrote a response in 6 Things You Can Stop Telling Cat Owners.


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