- 10% thinking about sex
- 20% thinking about masturbation
- 70% reminding self at all times about all those reasons not to start masturbating
- 35% thinking about how ridiculous it is to apply the idea of percentage to a hundred billion interlinked neurons in the most complex network ever known. It’s like talking about the top quarter of a supercomputer, or a half-full galactic supercluster.
- 3% depressing realization that you think about masturbation more often than supercomputers and galaxies
- 4% dredging up humiliating memories and just waiting for the right moment
- 2% preventing formation of memories of locking door, turning off gas.
- 7% working out ways to make an organ without pain receptors feel pain when hungover
- 90% thinking about how nice it would be if wasted potential really was the fault of a magic neural switch, and not the direct result of laziness and the comfort found in even the most self-destructive routine.
- 99% worrying about how people loudly protest the use of inaccurate statistics to advertise a movie, but are absolutely fine with them being used to justify fad diets, for-profit medical supplements, welfare cuts, and sentencing guidelines.
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