With the summer sun occasionally remembering where Ireland is, the government assembled reporters in Phoenix Park to remind everyone that the Geneva Conventions do not apply to midges.

“The various treaties signed at Geneva have protected generations from cruel and indiscriminate attacks,” said Taoiseach Enda Kenny, stopping every few words to flail at the air around him. “But I think we can all agree that those wee midge bastards didn’t agree to anything, and so don’t enjoy protection against any weapons we might care to use against them.”

Assembled reporters were too busy swatting at their notepads to press questions.

“Chemical and biological weapons are banned because of their ability to kill thousands at a single stroke, which honestly sounds pretty good right now” continued Kenny as several visible red marks rose on his neck and face. “Flamethrowers are rightly condemned in warfare, but it’s pretty hot already and there’s a wile load of the wee gets.”

“We’re just saying that if anybody has any genetic or viral ideas on wiping them out, we’d probably overlook any international treaty kinda things.”

One reporter was identified as having raised his hand to ask question, not to break up a cloud of the buzzing filthspecks, and wanted to know if nuclear weapons bans were still in effect.

“At this point we’re not ruling anything out” replied Kenny. He then spluttered and spat, before pulling the edges of his mouth back, squinting, and storming back indoors.

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