The Perfect Predator 3 is a Reality Show

Schwarzenegger’s announcement that he’ll star in Terminator: Genisys proves that when he said he’d be back, he really was threatening to return and ruin everything we enjoy. Even spelling. Terminators 3 and 4 have already proved that the more technology we apply the worse things get for us — exactly according to Skynet’s plans — and Predator 2 seemed to suffer from the same sort of sequel degradation. But while we suffer through the truth about tired Terminators, modern technology is in the perfect place to resurrect the Predator.

He was just annoyed he'd come all this way to find Arnie wasn't even there.

He was just annoyed he’d come all this way to find Arnie wasn’t even there.

I’m not saying it was an epoch-making movie which set the course of human destiny, but we have spent all our time since building the devices we’d need. We’re working on light-bending materials for optical camouflage, the navy is already testing energy weapons, and modern television is more accepting of characters wearing costumes made entirely of mesh and codpiece than ever before. We’ve created the perfect conditions for a Predator reality series. Ladies and gentlemen, we have the technology: the next time some rich idiot spends thousands of dollars to go kill an endangered species and post the pictures to facebook, we can unleash the most heavily-armed irony in existence.

It’ll be the greatest multi-meta-mockery in history. There’s an idiot armed with technology they didn’t make thinking they’re an apex predator, out to hunt an apex predator, and we solve the problem with an apexier predator. It’ll be predators all the way down: we’ll have a trained human with the best in human technology on one end, the most glorious example of evolved beauty on the other, and an idiot who thinks owning a rifle will make their daddy love them in the middle. And unlike most reality shows, it’s making the world a better place.

True, there’s a risk that our predator and the lion will high-five at the end of an episode, attracting every Emmy in existence into one location, creating a light entertainment quasar which outshines every other program ever filmed. But that’s a risk I’m prepared to take.

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