Lions Gate Entertainment yesterday announced that the next installment in the Saw franchise, movies about people subjected to brutal and overcomplicated deathtraps to satisfy the whims of madmen, would be based on Irish abortion laws.

“It’s a masterpiece of bloody horror” said Lionsgate executive Media Mogulson. “We had thought Saw 3D would be the seventh and last film, because of difficulty in maintaining levels of visceral disgust. Some of our later obscene deathtraps looked more like Hellraisers playing Mouse Trap than instruments of appalling horror perpetrated on victims trapped by uncaring strangers. But this Irish abortion legislation, wow.”

“The suicide exemption, that part where the government makes women plead that they’re prepared to kill themselves just to regain control of their own bodies? That’s the most terrifying thing I’ve ever heard. The Saw movies have always been about being trapped by uncaring psychopaths prepared to end you in agony as punishment for crimes against their demented sense of morality. Widening this to an entire country was a stroke of storytelling genius. A larger stage has worked well other movie series, like Die Hard of Preventable Causes.”

“I haven’t had a chance to meet the writer yet, but I’m sure this Mr Oireachtas will …”

At this point a reporter leaned forward to explain that the Oirechtas is the entire government of Ireland, not a single writer obsessed with conjuring horrors upon the female form in ways the Alien movies could only have nightmares of. Mogulson was heard to whisper “Jesus, has anybody called the UN?” When he learned that someone had, and that the resulting report was ignored, he tore off his microphone and started running for the airport. The producer of seven movies based entirely on tearing people apart with heavy machinery was last heard shouting “You’re all sick!”

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