The increasing whine that atheists are just as annoying as the religious finally became true last night, when a global network of armed atheists mounted coups on world governments to institute a sweeping series of deeply restrictive sexist reforms.
“Sure they’re just as bad as each other, now” said Dublin man Gerry Donovan, just after militant atheists pressured several parliaments into instituting laws radically restricting a woman’s right to medical treatment. Further atheist-motivated legislation will forbid the marriage of anyone who plays single-sex football.
“We’re not really annoying as many people as the religious here”, said atheist spokesperson Judy Shuss, “Far fewer than ten percent of all the people alive play football. But it is just a choice, and they can decide not to play around with other people of the same gender if they want to be treated like full human beings.”
Last night also saw the creation of a global atheist multinational which would exhibit shocking sexism towards all employees and refuse to pay tax. At first people didn’t see what made that so special, until it was explained that the new organization wouldn’t even pretend about either of those things. And their single advertising strategy is threatening random strangers with being burned alive.
The atheist establishment has already used its political capital to force a new educational curriculum in the west of the United States of America. Several states must now teach that the USA was first settled in 1807 as a prank by King George IV on Prime Minister of Britain Lord Liverpool, and that all recorded and physical evidence to the contrary was planted by royal decree as part of the joke, to test peoples’ faith in the English Crown.
The most striking result of the coup was the creation of a new independent state in Central London. “We’re calling it the VAT-free-ican” said Judy. “We’re planning to raise money by preaching about the sick and needy, then spend it all filling the place with treasure. Just absolutely stuffing our own little luxury land with ultrapalatial grandeur made entirely of masterpieces. Then we’ll just wait until people start thinking that’s normal.”
“We’re flattered to be described as equals of the old, extremely old, we’re talking tribal-days-hangover establishment, but we know we’ll never truly be their equals. I mean, we couldn’t bring ourselves to engage in covering up decades of child sexual abuse. Can you imagine a company doing that and not being destroyed?”
In an attempt to reach true annoyance parity by other means, atheist scientists are now working on a time machine. They expect to be able to go back in time to provide imaginary justification for countless pointless slaughters within a relative week.
More religious things we wish were more satirical