New research reveals that the fundamental length scale of quantum processes, normally billions of times smaller than an atomic nucleus, can be increased to a couple of meters in proximity to FedEx parcels. More if they hire a particularly tall courier. This allows a recipriversexclusive quantum process where the courier’s effects can only be observed when the courier themselves cannot.

Studies began when Professor Athagun, head of Quantum Information Studies at the Max Planck Institute, spent a day at home awaiting the delivery of a desperately-needed (and expensively couriered) experimental component. Despite waiting by the front door for an entire day, he ended with only a failed delivery notice to show for it.

“That courier would have had to exceed local lightspeed to appear and disappear without my seeing him.” said Athagun. “To say nothing of the relativistic dilation required for his claim to have waited fifteen minutes. It was then that I realized FedEx delivery is a non-observable phenomenon.”

Laboratory experiments reveal that in an inversion of both quantum mechanics and the idea of a courier company, the wavefunction of FedEx couriers is prevented from collapsing by observation. They can only take a definite state when there’s definitely no chance of completing their delivery. If you locked a FedEx courier in a sealed box with poison and a radioactive sample, they would still be more likely to deliver your package than they are at present.