How Social Justice Warriors Will Ruin Gaming

A “hardo” is a self-described “hardcore gamer”, someone who thinks you can play video games better than someone else in any way other than directly beating them at a game you both play. They think shooting people in Call of Duty makes them superior to someone  playing the Sims or Candy Crush. We need a new term for them because they’re trying to call themselves “gamers”. But everyone who plays games is a gamer. That is what the word gamer means.

Hardos often rail against SJWs. An “SJW” is a “Social Justice Warrior”, which is meant to be a derogatory term for people who care about equality and fighting discrimination, but honestly sounds like an anime knockoff of the A-Team and is therefore awesome.

The suggestion that SJWs are destroying gaming is ludicrous. Every Social Justice Warrior in the world put together to form Social Justice Devastator couldn’t dent the billions of dollars taken by Call of Duty alone. And they wouldn’t even want to – they just want to add a few options so that the series can make even more money. The main effect of SJWs on gaming is making more independent games, which, again, is something you’d think all gamers would like.

What are hardos so afraid of? Behold, as we glimpse their nightmare world of SJW-ruined gaming.

  • Call of Duty: Social Justice Warrior. You’re deployed in a raging warzone to fight against the enemies of equality, but the very first injury puts you out of action and into months of minigames based on healing and physical therapy.
  • The Sims: Assassin’s Creed. You spend months building the a beloved character only for some asshole to come out of nowhere and stab them through the neck because they were bored.
  • Titanfallout. After wrecking a billion-dollar piece of military hardware, you’re court-martialed and dishonourably discharged to scapegoat the commander of the failed mission. You find yourself under attack by endless lawsuits, and the game becomes an unwinnable finance simulator.
  • Mass Effect 3. An RPG gives you the ability to play as any color, gender, or sexuality, despite being heavy on cutscenes, and still makes millions of dollars. Thereby permanently embarrassing every other video game made before and since.
  • Call of Duty: Every Warrior. The ability to choose your skin color makes the game unwinnable, as choosing any non-US nationality causes your AI team-mates to assume you’re the enemy and must be shot in an absolutely guilt-free manner.
  • Call of Duty: Gender Wars. The ability to play as a man, woman, or other gender empties the multiplayer servers, as millions of players are paralyzed by the concept of picturing what it’s like to be someone else.
  • EVEn. A giant space MMORPG where the economy reflects the real cost of war and production. Attacking and taking over another territory tends to destroy most of its ability to generate wealth, leaving the occupier facing endemic structural problems. War is terrifically expensive, and must be supported by productive players, so that the majority of players have to generate the wealth and deal with the fallout of the fighters. Players can run businesses generating the energy and weapons for the militaries, but can be attacked in turn. Note: I would love to see this game.

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11 thoughts on “How Social Justice Warriors Will Ruin Gaming

  1. In EVE it does damage territory when you take it. The problem is, much like the USA, there are power blocs that are willing to consistently pump in more resources and cannon fodder until they get what they want.

  2. This is beautiful… sniff…

  3. I liked this, although I don’t think categorizing current games is a bad thing. Some people (me!) might really like games that take more investment (or thought), and if the industry suddenly becomes all about Candy Crush (unlikely), that would make me sad.
    I’m just saying that I want there to be a Call of Duty as much as I want there to be a Sims and a Candy Crush (although I don’t actually play any of these games)

  4. I disagree: your definition of “gamer” is subjectively formulated and therefore, etymologically, fallacious. Gamers define themselves and your input is mute as a deciding factor.

    Also, side note on the “hardo” definition: if youexclusively play Candy Crush and wonder why a CoD or Halo player considers themself “superior”, then 1v1 an avid player and see who has procured more skill. Candy Crush and games like it are puzzles, not demanding tests of reflex, spacial reasoning, and group member cohesiveness.

    • I’m approving this comment because it’s even funnier than the article.

      • You assume your dribble is funny. Hmm.

        Alright, then to further demonstrate my point: I have a couple vinyl records. I also own equipment to mix music, so basic calling it equipment sounds ridiculous. To call myself a DJ or to say my input as one is relevant is as ridiculous as somebody who enjoys occasionally having a glass of wine making a bottle suggestion or a Candy Crush player attempting to include a regardable comment on the gaming industry. Again, these games are puzzles and mere right games to designate the user a gamer in the sense that the community self identifies.

        You claim these “hardos” are wrong in assuming what, again? That you can play a video game “better” than someone in a way other than beating them? Beating their high score? Time in a lap? Game of Horse on Tony Hawk? The ubiquitous and aforementioned one versus one? There are too many ways to beat someone in too many video games, and some people are dedicated to getting Platinum trophies, or a high Gamerscore, or finding a game’s extra content after exhaustive co operative play, or the highest level in an MMO, with little interest in PvP aspect. Hundreds of hours logged, hardcore, and a little irked when someone who assumes puzzles via electronics equals games equals I’m a gamer too means we’re equal in our relevance or insight when it comes to this community or it’s ideas and wants. We sir do not want some tactless jerk claiming our years dedicated to climbing up the sensitivity bar makes us equal as gamers to Candy Crush. We do not want our love of late night raids and sleepy work days to mean we hate social justice or its warriors. We do not want you, an obvious outsider hasbeen, to make blind remarks relatednto something you know absolutely nothing of.

        Need clarification? Piss right the fuck off, clown. Not checking into this anymore, lost a fan Mr. Mickinney.

      • I’m… speechless…

        Go easy on the guy, he’s dedicated years to coming up the sensitivity.

        For added fun replace every reference this concerned citizen makes to video games with “medicine” or “engineering” and related terminology.

    • Tetris isn’t a game. Got it.

      *sweeps the entire Tetris Grand Master arcade series under the rug because, despite being designed specifically for hardcore play it doesn’t count as a hardcore game because you can’t shoot^W360 no-scope followers of Islam*

      • “Approve” is really the wrong verb for what I did to this comment, but there’s no button for “Preserve as a perfectly petulant crystallisation of all the idiocy every gamer should oppose.”

  5. Well, that just confirmed my view of hard core gamers..

  6. Just once, I’d like one of those “RAAAR CASUAL GAMES = DOUBLE SATAN” shitbuckets to come up with a coherent definition of “casual game” that doesn’t include Tetris. Because if you’re going to try to tell me that Tetris isn’t a real video game, I will play Korobeiniki using your skull as a drum.

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