Fractional Life-Crises

  • Mid-life crisis: the fear that you haven’t done all the things you wanted to in life.
  • Quarter-life crisis: the fear that you have no idea what you want to do in life.
  • Three-quarters life crisis: the certainty that you haven’t done all the things you wanted to in life, which can take the form of wisdom or bitterness.
  • Three-eighths crisis: the urgent inability of the first two above to meet and have a really good talk.
  • Five-eighths crisis: the less urgent but still pretty painful inability of the second two to meet so the third can tell the second it’s nowhere near too late, jesus, while still missing the same lesson themselves.
  • alphalife crisis: a glorious moment of connection with all things that make life possible, but you lack the verbal ability to explain it.
  • incrementlife crisis: the sudden realization of how much time has passed since you said you insisted you were going to get something done.
  • Zeno life crisis: realizing with every increasing frequency that you’re closer to death, even though there will never be a time where you realize you’ve died.
  • One forty-two-decillionth life crisis: the length of time over which we still can’t merge general relativity with quantum mechanics, which is really a huge deal but we have to confess it doesn’t affect your life personally.
  • 1.01 life crisis: The ritual works! Quickly, Igor, activate the defenses before the accursed Guardians of Light undo us all!
  • -1 life crisis: the knowledge that you’ll never achieve as much as your good parallel self because of how much time you must spend each day maintaining this perfect goatee/significantly nakeder version of your regular clothing/both.
  • Pi life crisis: the tendency to become spherical when your obscene dystopian wealth keeps you alive much longer than most people (e.g. Baron Harkonnen)
  • goldenlife crisis: No crisis, everything looks pretty good!
  • i life crisis: The way you still miss Captain Teddybear.

More existential overanalysis with

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