Bank of Ireland today announced that it would like to pay the nation’s water charges. “Fundamental utilities required to maintain society are the whole point of tax, ” started the press release, “So we’re starting to feel sort of bad about taking it all during the bailout. We’d like to give something back. From executives being paid for screwing up, to people people who need to drink water to stay alive.”
“It’s not that we’re not grateful,” said spokesperson Eoin O’Lot at a press conference. “It’s just that, well, you know when you get a gift that’s just too much? And it makes you embarrassed? Well, imagine the government giving you three and a half billion euro as a reward for shitting every bed in the country, and then charging the people with nowhere to sleep for the water to wash the sheets. We managed to push through our shame back when we got the money, but we’d have to be some sort of artificial robot replacement for a lizard person pretending to be a sociopath to keep acting that way now.”
Every computer connected to the internet emitted a slight draught as Apple, Google, Twitter, facebook, Adobe, Microsoft, Starbucks, Yahoo!, General Electric, IBM, Pfizer Inc, and many more multi-billion dollar companies currently using Ireland to dodge the shit out of tax sighed in relief simultaneously. “That was a close one”, an executive was overheard to say, while waiting for the waiter to get back with some proper champagne. “Good thing they decided to extort their own citizens for the most fundamental necessity of life instead.”
Taoiseach Enda Kenny responded to repeated queries of “What the fuck have you been doing with all the tax money all this time if you can’t even keep the taps on?” by shrugging and miming hearing difficulties.
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