Fellow executives, my name is Dick Jones, and it gives me great pleasure to relaunch OCP’s flagship law enforcement product. Sure, I know what you’re thinking – “Dick Jones is dead!” – but if there was ever a time law enforcement had to listen to the voices of dead men, well, that’s right now. Because 2015 is the perfect time to relaunch the ED-209.
In the last thirty years, every flaw in our Enforcement Droid series has become a major plus:
- ED-209 gives suspects a full twenty seconds warning before shooting them to death.
- The fact it could easily be outrun by a child means it’s highly unlikely to publicly execute a child, on camera.
- Complete lack of arms means it’s impossible for the droid to choke an unarmed, outnumbered, already restrained man to death.
- Incredibly high caliber twin automatic cannons ensure that ED could never, ever pretend that a suspect had somehow shot themselves from inside a locked car with their hands cuffed behind their back.
- When people run from this murderous public projection of capital enforcement, people will completely understand the reaction, and not think the person running must have done something to deserve it.
- The only person ED publicly executed without even the thought of facing consequences was a rich white man. Shit, that’s practically progress.
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