No-good snitch Jimmy “Two Weasels” Narconi was found dead yesterday, of what Bootleg City PD describe as “extremely natural causes”. An array of bullet wounds of varying caliber, range, and direction were described by BCPD coroners as “very common”, and “the only person who would even bother to talk about wounds as uninteresting as these is someone who received them. Or wanted to. If you know what we mean.”
The Bootleg City Commissioner of Police told reporters, without being asked, or even approached, “If this case was any less remarkable, it would be suspicious. But it isn’t! It is in no way suspicious. I must stress that this case is at the exact minimum level of remarkability to guarantee a lack of further investigation. It’s so forgettable, I would swear that I won’t even remember it after this conversation, except that I would never say anything about it under any kind of oath, under any circumstances, if anyone’s worried about that.”
“It’s a tragedy, is what it is” said Jimmy’s close friend, and last person to see him alive, Clubber “Doesn’t Bother With Clubs” Killerillo. “He died of natural causes. Real natural, like. I saw the whole thing. In fact, if anyone is in any doubt of how it went down, they should let me know and I’ll show them personally.”
So normal and legitimate was Jimmy’s death, a number of concerned citizens have organized a meeting right here in our newsrooms to make sure that everyone understands just how entirely unfortunate and legitimate it was. The staff off the Bootleg Price Sheet would like to pass our condolences to Jimmy’s family, along with our wishes for speedy and total amnesia.
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