Hollywood’s Upcoming All-White Live-Action Remakes

After bleaching Egypt in Exodus, and announcing caucasified live-action versions of Ghost in the Shell and Akira, Hollywood is half a step from releasing an all-white remake of the rainbow. What other projects are in the pipes?

  • Chess. Making all the characters white would make the plot confusing, if the plot hadn’t been simplified to a single male lead (White King) saving the Queen by/while killing a bunch of black pawns. The King and Queen have swapped powers, because Hollywood can’t handle a powerful woman rescuing a distressed male. In 2015. Apparently.
  • Where’s Wally. Searching through a huge number of near-identical figures to find the right one closely mirrors the modern lead casting process. Also provides a solid justification for making sure everyone is the same color.
  • Othello. Why not at this point.
  • La Pieta. This original has the advantage of already being white! Sure, it’s a masterpiece in its original medium, and the conversion to live-action movie would be more pointless, lifeless, and heavy-handed than replacing a porcupine with a bowling ball, but it’ll help Hollywood avoid new ideas for one more movie.
  • The Law of Gravity. Spinning a single equation into a two hour screenplay will require some effort. Announcements so far include a romance subplot, an old friend of the hero who appears to have betrayed him but relents at the last minute, and the inhuman universal constant of gravitation will be played by Benedict Cumberbatch.

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