Early this morning an anti-terror raid recovered a cache of hundreds of pistols, rifles, and machine-guns, and arrested over a hundred men who had been trained in their use and stationed in the heart of the tourist district of Rome. These men insisted that they did not recognize the laws of Italy, and that they only answered to the will of a man they called “the Holy Father”.
Arresting officers discovered dozens of lethal HK MP7 submachine guns, SIG MKPO submachine guns with folding stocks, and dozens of Glock 9mm pistols, all specifically chosen because they could be hidden under the sect’s bizarre religiously-motivated clothing in crowded tourist areas.
Also recovered were dozens of swords, polearms, and a variety of medieval suits of armor. “Whoever this ‘Swiss Guard’ think they are,” said one investigating officer, “they never threw away a single weapon”.
The group’s fundamentalist beliefs are a direct threat to modern society. They allow no women in their ranks – a fact investigators credit with speeding their discovery, as no legitimate normal organization could maintain such blatant sexism in modern society for any length of time.
The cult’s leader “Holy Father”, aka Jorge Bergoglio, was also arrested in the sting. Despite his repeated insistence that his was a peaceful organization dedicated only to helping the needy, goods worth ten billion dollars were recovered in the group’s vast multi-building hideout. When asked if a legitimate charity organization could acquire this level of wealth, several responding officers started laughing, long and loud, and show no signs of ever stopping.
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