Energy drinks are everything wrong with modern society in a can: people believing advertising over their own bodies. They’re Pandora’s Tins of self-esteem problems persuading people that they’re uselessly broken in every way, but it’ll only take three dollars of soda to turn them into roller-blading success stories.
Unfortunately I can’t just list everything wrong with them and laugh. Writing for ZUG means I’ll have to drink them. ALL OF THEM. Instead of food for a day.
Mario has never looked so ominous.
But first let’s look at the ingredients of my imminent doom:
“Of COURSE we have to wear lab coats, do you have ANY IDEA how toxic this chalk is?”
The team celebrate proving the Non-Caucasian Exclusion Principle preventing more than one type of each non-Caucasian appearing in any group shot.
“How’s the budget spectroscopy going Steve?”
“Get a medical biology degree” they said. “You probably won’t spend your life working with open vials of piss.” they said.
“No safety glasses for me, huh? I only get to keep 77% of my eyesight, is that it?”
“Who keeps leaving this child’s model of DNA in our genetics lab?”
“I’ve explained this before. I’ve got the best sciencebeard so I get the only chair. No, I DON’T care, Sharon.”
“I’m just glad that all science can be done with Calc 101.”
“Look, it’s not hard, because science is clearly colour-coded.”
“Of course I leave my hair like this while leaning over open vials of chemicals. Bonus: my split-ends now spit acid!”
“Do you think there are scientists in the world who AREN’T chemists?”
“Stop being silly and help me mix these primary colors.”
all images property of iStock.