Energy drinks are everything wrong with modern society in a can: people believing advertising over their own bodies. They’re Pandora’s Tins of self-esteem problems persuading people that they’re uselessly broken in every way, but it’ll only take three dollars of soda to turn them into roller-blading success stories.
Unfortunately I can’t just list everything wrong with them and laugh. Writing for ZUG means I’ll have to drink them. ALL OF THEM. Instead of food for a day.
Mario has never looked so ominous.
But first let’s look at the ingredients of my imminent doom:
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“Of COURSE we have to wear lab coats, do you have ANY IDEA how toxic this chalk is?”
The team celebrate proving the Non-Caucasian Exclusion Principle preventing more than one type of each non-Caucasian appearing in any group shot.
“How’s the budget spectroscopy going Steve?”
“Get a medical biology degree” they said. “You probably won’t spend your life working with open vials of piss.” they said.
“No safety glasses for me, huh? I only get to keep 77% of my eyesight, is that it?”
“Who keeps leaving this child’s model of DNA in our genetics lab?”
“I’ve explained this before. I’ve got the best sciencebeard so I get the only chair. No, I DON’T care, Sharon.”
“I’m just glad that all science can be done with Calc 101.”
“Look, it’s not hard, because science is clearly colour-coded.”
“Of course I leave my hair like this while leaning over open vials of chemicals. Bonus: my split-ends now spit acid!”
“Do you think there are scientists in the world who AREN’T chemists?”
“Stop being silly and help me mix these primary colors.”
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