Ireland’s No Voters Start Campaigning Against Electricity

The group leading the No campaign in the Marriage Equality referendum today announced that they will also be voting to ban electricity.

“Far too many people are enjoying electricity in ways we don’t understand or appreciate,” said spokesperson Fuath Dúr, by the light of a whale-blubber lantern she held aloft in a darkened conference room. “Unnatural electricity can be used to transmit new information, to connect Ireland with the outside world, to improve the situation for everyone in the country, and is generally understood as one of the most basic signs of a civilized nation in the twenty-first century. In short, electricity is everything we’re opposed to.”

Further comments were cut off as the lantern set off the hotel’s fire alarm. This forced a massive public services response to her stupid insistence on backwards ideas. Scorched notes recovered from the room by emergency services were found to read “We already have natural animal fat”, “FEAR! FEAR OTHERS, DIVIDE YOUR LIFE INTO HATE AND OBEDIENCE!”, and “The sweet little innocent baby Jesus didn’t have electricity, did he now? Or married parents. But don’t think too hard about that bit.”

The Iona Institute was quick to support the initiative, because the private limited company been paid specifically to do so. “We fully support this initiative” said Iona Institute commandant Rabid Sin, who didn’t stop counting money during our entire interview. Great fat wodges of it. All in brown envelopes marked Tax Free Charity, Apparently, Please Laugh While Delivering To Bank. “We can confirm that the Iona Institute has used electricity to spread nothing but hate and suffering, and the sooner this problem is ended the better.”

The Institute could not be reached for follow-up questions, as they had been paid to lobby for their own organs to be stripped and recycled, and then immediately done so without a moment’s reflection or human thought.


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