It is a melancholy object to those who walk through our towns or travel our country, when they people being happy, and are tormented by the knowledge that some of those people might be happy with others of their own gender. There’s no actual way to tell these people apart, what with them all being people, so our unhappy walker is forced to imagine the lustful acts strangers consensually commit with each other. It simply isn’t possible for them to continue on their own way, with their own life and preferences, because of the agony of the knowledge that their god is facing starvation. Below I explain why this is so, and propose a novel solution.
I confess myself inexpert the sexual behaviour of total strangers, having always considered it basic manners to be on rather good terms with someone before broaching the subject of their genitals, but several pubic-spirited groups have taken great pains to educate me and the rest of the country, assuring us that these same-sex marriages be a serious crime against a god.
As to my own part, I must admit I fail to understand how the sexuality of strangers requires divine intervention. I will admit that the concept has been raised on some occasion when I’ve been involved, but must humbly report that the level of theological discussion rarely raised above repetition. Indeed, it displayed all the signs of rather poor argument, with the only evolution on each iteration being an increase of volume, but I’m happy to report that everyone involved in the vigorous discussion considered it a roaring success. But I digress.
I inquired upon a prominent member of one of the aforementioned groups to enlighten me. It is generally accepted that around one in ten people might be attracted to their own sex. With twenty thousand marriages per year in our country, the proposed decimation of heterosexual marriage would be about two thousand unions per year, approximately five and a half matrimonies per day, or one sacrament every four point four hours. Apparently the lord and savior is operating on such thin margins that even this small decline would prove an unsustainable strain on the heavenly budget.
I could not get a clear answer as to what consecrated fuel could possibly be extracted from a heterosexual couple on their wedding night, but apparently it only works when the genitals are arranged and connect to each other in a specific way. I asked if the group was confused. Perhaps they were thinking of electrical sockets, or maybe a very simple jigsaw intended for the edification of children? No, I was told, they didn’t understand what I meant by that. They just wanted to be in charge of all human love and affection.
That seemed rather beyond the remit of someone’s personal preferences, but I still considered their problem as I walked away, as it seemed to plague them. And only the most heartless imitation of a human being could let others exist in suffering, tormented by questions of externally enforced legality versus their own deepest feelings. I decided it was my duty to find a solution.
In the manner of someone caring for a friend’s sickly pet I first had to work out what it required for sustenance. And I must exhibit great care, as surely anything which can be damaged by the kindness of strangers (not even the pet, but to each other!) must be among the most vulnerable creations in existence. It occurs that perhaps this god has become rather too refined in its diet, in the manner of the panda bears which can only survive on a specific sort of bamboo, and as a result must face extinction in the face of a changing environment. But still, the panda is an adorable animal, and can provide some solace to those who enjoy its continued existence. Maybe this god is the same. It is the duty of the beneficent human to find some way of preserving such entertaining companions.
Indeed, it seems their sustaining sacrament could be quite easily provided. If their god is somehow diminished by fewer acceptable marriages, it falls upon them to increase how often they get married. This should not present a problem with the modern convenience of divorce, which doesn’t seem to offend their pet spirit in the same way an incorrect marriage does. In fact, if one can get married to feed it, and divorced without incident, even one faithful couple could presumably fill their lord to bursting by getting divorced each morning and remarried in the evening. Careful timing could synchronise their wedding cake with dessert for each day’s dinner, providing a considerable saving in the daily as well as the divine food budget.
Of course, not all No campaigners find it so easy to get married. For some reason people prepared to put their own obscure theological definitions over other people’s happiness can have difficulty finding love. Others insist that only the fruitful union of a mother and a father to produce a child can appease them, but like all people of good character I tend to ignore those who publicly insult orphans and widows.
But in the interests of the common good I shall solve their problem. I humbly offer that those who wish to prevent people in love from sharing the joys of marriage can show their support for heterosexually-hearted relationships and procreation in the most direct possible way.
They can get married on their own, and fuck themselves.
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