Scientists have revolutionized our understanding by discovering the bigot, the fundamental unit of intolerance. The bigot is found to be the exact opposite of dark matter: sadly all too visible in the modern universe, and all too willing to interact with other matter in a detectable way.

One of the most revealing results of the experiment was the discovering that bigots don’t need to know that they’re bigots in order to be bigots. The result was obtained by using the Large Hadron Collider to accelerate an Irish “No” Voter and a man wearing confederate flag headband to close to the speed of light and then colliding them. The experiment had to be repeated several times to overcome the immense thickness of the bigot skull and discover what — if anything — was happening inside.

“Our studies conclusively prove that bigots don’t need to know that they are bigots.” said Professor Jagarukasva. “They aren’t aware of their own bigotry. Or much of anything. For centuries people have tried explain bigot mechanics with false ideas of natural law, or entirely imaginary mathematics of the divine, but with modern technology people can easily see the truth.”

The result has sent shockwaves through the bigot community, many of whom thought they weren’t bigoted because they hadn’t completed a Bigot Declaration Form to officially register with their local Bigot Council. (Related story: UKIP wins only one seat in 2015 election.) Several others insisted that they never used “that word”, though they seemed absolutely sure their audiences knew what word they were talking about, and that they were just saying.

One of the first corollaries of this result was found by reversing it.

“Just as one does not need to declare oneself to be bigot,” continued the Professor, “one cannot simply declare oneself not to be a bigot. In the same way one cannot declare oneself not to be on fire: it doesn’t change the fact, and until the problem is solved it will continue to make things worse for the person and more unpleasant for everyone around them.”

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