Wizards Probe Fundamental Particle of Magic with Large Dice Collider

Wizards from around the plane are collaborating on a new spell designed to probe fundamental particle of magic. The Large Dice Collider will roll use thousands of empowered and extended Mage Hands to accelerate twenty-sided dice from either end of a twenty-seven kilometer long table path.

“Standard Dice Theory shows how all the rules of our reality are bound up in these dice particles” explained Archmage Higgus Bozonn. “In the early days of Greek wizards evoking magic missiles, they thought the dice only had four sides. But we advanced. Taking a shocking grasp of electricity revealed the d6. Further studies revealed the d8, d10, d12, until we were able to expand these basic facets to twenty-sided Standard Dice Theory, revealing that everything in our world was defined by these ‘dice’, not just our magic. But we still don’t know how these dice operate – from our perspective, they seem to be entirely random. The Large Dice Collider should help us learn how to control the most fundamental forces of our reality. Well, ” said the wizard, straightening her baggy sleeves, “More so than we already do.”

The fabulously expensive apparatus is the result of a decade of preparatory conjuring, costing millions of gold pieces. Twenty-seven kilometers of black onyx were required to craft tables smooth enough for the dice rolls. Diamond dice were painstakingly prepared, numbers engraved in gold-lined carvings filled with black pearl dust. 1,000 GP of gemstones line every meter of the table. An army of stone and iron golems functions to maintain the installation, and to dissuade wandering bands of adventurers who mistake the long, gem-filled tunnel for a particularly rich dungeon. (To date twenty level ten parties have been repelled, though in one tragic incident a level four party was forced re-rolled.)

UPDATE: The LDC has been shut down for repair after an early roll resulted in a 1, causing critical explosive failure and a large crack in the table.

More gaming goodness

Ireland’s No Voters Start Campaigning Against Electricity

The group leading the No campaign in the Marriage Equality referendum today announced that they will also be voting to ban electricity.

“Far too many people are enjoying electricity in ways we don’t understand or appreciate,” said spokesperson Fuath Dúr, by the light of a whale-blubber lantern she held aloft in a darkened conference room. “Unnatural electricity can be used to transmit new information, to connect Ireland with the outside world, to improve the situation for everyone in the country, and is generally understood as one of the most basic signs of a civilized nation in the twenty-first century. In short, electricity is everything we’re opposed to.”

Further comments were cut off as the lantern set off the hotel’s fire alarm. This forced a massive public services response to her stupid insistence on backwards ideas. Scorched notes recovered from the room by emergency services were found to read “We already have natural animal fat”, “FEAR! FEAR OTHERS, DIVIDE YOUR LIFE INTO HATE AND OBEDIENCE!”, and “The sweet little innocent baby Jesus didn’t have electricity, did he now? Or married parents. But don’t think too hard about that bit.”

The Iona Institute was quick to support the initiative, because the private limited company been paid specifically to do so. “We fully support this initiative” said Iona Institute commandant Rabid Sin, who didn’t stop counting money during our entire interview. Great fat wodges of it. All in brown envelopes marked Tax Free Charity, Apparently, Please Laugh While Delivering To Bank. “We can confirm that the Iona Institute has used electricity to spread nothing but hate and suffering, and the sooner this problem is ended the better.”

The Institute could not be reached for follow-up questions, as they had been paid to lobby for their own organs to be stripped and recycled, and then immediately done so without a moment’s reflection or human thought.

More Irish news:

Fixing Labour’s Tombstone of Ideals

Ed Milliband made a few mistakes. First: emulating Moses. Second: everything he wrote. But I’m a writer, so I’m happy to help.

tombstone fixed

Bonus irony: they want to plant it in the Downing Street’s garden to  show that Labour’s ideals are “set in stone”, but limestone is horribly vulnerable to acid rain and will be eroded by environmental changes.

More image upgrades:

Irish Marriage Equality: Fixing the No Posters

The No campaign used their latest poster to piss all over single parents and orphans as well as gay couples, because pissing on disadvantaged groups is their entire and only deal. Which is why I fixed it for them.

time travel






More Irish updates:

Ireland’s Abortion Laws Announced As Plot Of Next Saw Movie

Other Embarrassing Payments by RTÉ