A petition to strip Caitlyn Jenner of her 1976 Decathlon Olympic gold has collected over fourteen thousand signatures, heroically solving the country’s urgent shortage of donation organs.
“It’s everything we could ever have wished for,” said transplant surgeon Dr Reciklado. “We desperately need donor organs, but we can’t just take them from people who aren’t using them. With the invention of the internet that would cause an extinction. That’s why we’re grateful to these people for perfectly highlight themselves as involuntary organ donors.”
Not only do the petition’s signatories have nothing better to do than hatefully trawl three-decade old sporting events records, but they helpfully insult anyone who might otherwise have defended them. “I’m meant to believe these assholes just happen to be passionate about twentieth century decathlon results? They think I’m that stupid? To hell with them.” said every judge consulted on the issue.
The involuntary donors insisted that they would sue to prevent the proceedings. But records prove that each of them was once six years old at their sixth birthday party, and are therefore legally incapable of hiring lawyers because — by their own argument — human beings never change in any way.
Dr Ricklado has already been tapped for several Nobel Prizes, since the new surgeries qualify not only as recycling but as the green disposal of toxic waste. The United Nations Commission on Human Rights has cautioned transplant surgeons not to waste time, and to get on with harvesting these people as quickly as possible. “Just as excrement can fertilize new flowers” concluded the UN report, “So these people might eventually help the human race. And the sooner it happens the less we have to put up with their shit.”
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