This article first appeared on the now-defunct ZUG.com. The original was a five-part article. It has been edited to appear on one page.

Chicken Wings, the Eurekan combination of “How can we possibly sell these leftover scraps?” with “Wait a minute, people drink!” We can picture the naked poultry farmer running down the street even now, screaming about saucy chickens as he flaps in the breeze. And after completing his sentence he invented chicken wings!

There’s an amazing density of chicken wingeries in one street near my flat. It’s like the city planners were watching UFC while approving businesses (which explains why at also has shops selling nut-shields and martial arts movies). One block contains an impossible five wing joints, somehow sharing the cities bird-bit-budget between them until one finally closed – and another opened to replace it immediately.

The implications are terrifying – are Wings, like Mass and Energy, a fundamental conserved quantity of existence? Is all the universe’s “missing matter” eaten with Bud on Super Bowl Sunday? And far more importantly – how exactly are they reappearing after we digest them?

The Theory of Chicken Wings. (Standard Model included to increase scientificicness)

This demanded immediate and dangerous scientific experimentation. The Large Hadron Collider probes the laws of the universe by accelerating subatomic particles to incredibly high energies – Professor Wallybob and I decided to do the same with our stomachs! We’ll drive our digestive tracts to unexplored energy intensities by visiting all the wingsteraunts in one go, ordering the hottest “Suicide” wings at each. We will discover many things.

Not all of them good.

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