Fighting Games: Better Than Sex

Fighting games let you grapple with strangers in complete safety, teach you new techniques for touching them, let you try any body type you like, and most of the costumes are clearly designed to make love instead of war.

Also, the real world doesn't have my teenage love, Chun-Li

They’re also home to my first love, Chun-Li

Imagine any other way you’d be prepared to indulge in three minutes of physical fun with a random stranger on the internet. Your reaction would be to attack anyone who suggested it and get out of there, meaning fighting games have you coming and going. Fighting games are the purest skill challenge left in online gaming. The only extra equipment you get for playing longer is a callused thenar space. Which sounds like somewhere you’d have a star war against aliens, but modern fighting games involve more energy blasts and teleportation.

The only problem is the lopsided gender divide, where “lopsided” usually means “top-heavy, or possible double Zeppelin impersonation”. While the men have been snatched from a fancy dress party, the women have clearly been teleported in by that Terminator time machine that can’t do clothes. I suggest a solution in my latest article, How To Make Every Fighting Game Better, and prove that Zangief is the ultimate modern man.

zangief

Proudly displaying underwear in solidarity

EXTRA READING: I’ve examined structural improbability before with The 14 Worst Boobs In The History Of Video Games

Busting Call of Duty’s Ghosts

Activision are gearing up for Call of Duty 2013. Because nothing spells a commitment to quality and definitely not just pushing whatever’s ready by then out the door like locking down the release date half a year in advance so you can advertise it harder.

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If you ever need to choose between Battlefield and Call of Duty:

– In Battlefield it’s still possible to be top of the winning team without killing a single enemy. (My assault-medic could steer a Tank like a sports car and took more points than Pac-Man)

– In Call of Duty you can be automatically instantly killed if someone on the enemy team unlocks a certain item.

I go with the “my skill level actually affects each interaction” game.