Tag Archives: combat proctology

06.27.16
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I cannot stress too much that the Empire is even stronger without the second Death Star – Emperor Johnson

The destruction of the second Death Star has been the most extraordinary political event in the Empire’s existence. Never in our history have so many people had such an undeniable and expensive effect on their own future.

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But I do not detect any real appetite to Rebel against my glorious rule, and it goes without saying that we are much better together in forming a new and better relationship with Alderaan. I cannot stress too much that the Empire will always trade with Alderaan, and Empire citizens will still be able to go and work in Alderaan, assuming they bring their own spacesuits, oxygen supplies, and some form of force-shielding to protect them from being pelted by rocks.

After meeting thousands of stormtroopers in the course of constructing the Death Star, I can tell you that the number one issue was control – my total and absolute control of the weak-minded. They agree that outside the job-destroying (and also life-destroying) obliteration of the Death Star, and the utterly impossible to predict yet absolutely identical destruction of the second Death Star, everything I have worked towards for as long as anyone can remember in order to cement my power through spectacular fear, we will survive and thrive as never before.

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On Endor and among the widely scattered molecules which once made the bridge of the Death Star the negative consequences are being wildly overdone, and the upside is being ignored. This is the greatest fireworks display the galaxy has ever seen. The negative differential terms of our economy are larger than anyone ever dreamed possible.

I must also explain why it took me several days to react to this event which was totally according to my plan and good actually. I was busy tracking the progress of the Imperial Credit in the wake of this spectacular success. This meant bravely plunging down a bottomless shaft filled with bolts of lightning, which later exploded. Which only goes to show how powerful our currency truly is. Now that our economy is below all others we are only better poised to strike at their soft underbellies.

The Empire is in good hands. The total silence of all the Death Star’s leaders was not because they had been obliterated by the total mismanagement and utter destruction of everything they’d thought to use to control the masses, but because they were turning their keen tactical minds to the next step. A few have even suggested a daring scheme where, after obliterating our own fully operational battle-station, then baiting Rebels into utterly destroying our second even larger fully operational battle-station, we might now turn our attentions to living on an entirely fictional world where we boldly refuse to change our stance, continuing to insist that our destructive plans and ludicrous overconfidence haven’t destroyed every single thing we ever thought to control. A world which will definitely not be destroyed in an even more titanic explosion than ever before.

Enjoy more political sci-fi with Irish Government Wiped Out By Alien Parasite, and more Star Wars with Patch Notes for C3-PO.1

01.19.16
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Scientists Will Surrender To Climate-Change Deniers on Slope of Volcano

This morning scientists worldwide announced their total and unconditional surrender to climate change deniers, asking only that their capitulation take place on the slopes of Popocatépetl volcano at tomorrow morning.

“We admit it, it’s absolutely impossible for science to make any predictions of future events based on current theory and measurements,” admitted leading volcanologist Magnus Pyroklastic. “Which is why we want all climate change deniers to gather together, in one place, to accept our surrender. And that place should be in the slight depression in the south face of the volcano at 11 am plus or minus an hour tomorrow morning.”

“This will be symbolic of science’s total failure at predicting events.”

Scientists are even now working feverishly in the crater to set up cameras and television screens around the projector area. This includes a heavily reinforced VIP zone for all the denialist politicians. “It’s important that there should be protection between such politicans and the rest of the population”, explained atmospheric scientist Skye Blough. “That’s why we’re setting up these layers of chain fencing. It takes hours for people to get through, so it’s safe, but is absolutely and instantly permeable to any gases or liquids.”

The scientists explained that the televisions are so that the scientists can surrender remotely, as they feel too intimidated by the denialists iron-clad ability to point out when a day is cold and declare “So much for global warming!” to face them in person.

The scientists say the surrender could take several hours, and that the climate-change deniers should employ their special skill of absolutely sticking to their current position no matter what new evidence comes their way.

09.16.15
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Guns Guns Guns!

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The pen is mightier than the sword, and the keyboard lets me write far away from all the guns. Which I did! Behold bonus material cut from the original for length. Eighth and eight-point-fiveth idiotic arguments against gun control:

We’re Going to Get Shot Anyway

When confronted with ludicrous levels of directly gun related death — to the point where the FBI homicide tables are broken by state and type of gun, with only a single column for “other weapons” — some people attempt to sound reasonably by saying there are too many people with guns out there to tackle. Which is the exact opposite of the point of having a government in the first place. If American responded to fires the same way they responded to shootings, they’d legalize flamethrowers and defund the fire department.

It’s a remarkable strategy. Recognizing that you could be shot at any time because of countless lethal weapons floating around without any regulation and thinking  “Well, better get started!” But “we’re fucked anyway, might as well volunteer for ten more shots” only works for a night out drinking, not with lethal weaponry.

A government which doesn’t ban guns shouldn’t be allowed to ban anything. Especially drugs. At least then people are only shooting up themselves, and enjoy the experience.

Target Shooting

Target shooting is just practicing to get better at people shooting. If people truly cared about only the competitive aspect all those billions of dollars would be going into developing paint pellets better balanced than Concorde’s nosecone. If we weren’t still suffering from an obsolete chunk of tribally murderous human brain then pellets and laser tag would be enough for everyone. In fact if guns worked like laser tag, where they could only hit other people wielding the same weapons, then we wouldn’t have a problem. After a few years nobody would have any problems.

Read more gun goodness with

7 Idiotic Arguments Against Gun Control

5 Terrifyingly Hilarious Gun Accessories

5 Reasons Even Gun Owners Should Hate the NRA

08.25.15
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Court Declares That Badly Beaten Judge Was “Asking For It”

Two male defendants who violently assaulted Justice Robert Dewar in a Manitoba courtroom were cleared of all charges yesterday, when the court declared that the Justice had dressed provocatively and was “asking for it”.

“Flaunting himself in those red robes and that big wig”, said their defense lawyer. “In my clients’ experience, every man who dresses like that is out to put them in jail. He was just waving it all in their faces. What did he think was going to happen? How did he think they were going to act? He was just inviting this beating.”

The defense also specifically drew attention to how Justice Dewar was not wearing a bra.

“Maybe if he dressed more conservatively,” agreed the court bailiff, who eventually intervened in the savage and sustained beating. “I mean, it’s not like men have any decision making ability or motor control of their own. They just have a simple stimulus-response which strangely absolves them of all responsibility for their actions, but still counts as enough free will that they’re not locked up for their own protection. His robes really were like waving a red flag to a bull.”

Justice Robert Dewar’s current condition is described as “a stupid sexist asshole who shouldn’t be in charge of so much as a street crossing.”

06.26.15
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Terry Gilliam Apologises for Escape of Nigel Farage

Animator and member of Monty Python Terry Gilliam today apologized for the escape of Nigel Farage.

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“I was animating a satire about ridiculous political beliefs, and one day I left the studio without gluing him down.” explained an abashed Gilliam. “The next morning he was gone. I just didn’t think such a blatant parody of human behavior could do much damage.”

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Farage now has a successful career of leading UKIP and standing at precisely 90 degrees to every camera at all times. The comic basis for his existence continually shines through with ridiculous claims, satirically bad policies, and an inability to resist turning every leadership contest into a farce.

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Farage’s brother Conrad Pooh distanced himself from the political movement, explaining that he didn’t want the army of solid chunks of brainless skull-matter that danced to his tune sullied by association.

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More political news:

06.25.15
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Enjoy the Ultimate Energizing Diet Fad!

Some people say you shouldn’t add anything you can’t spell to your body. I’m not sure exactly how they said that while constantly reminding themselves of pyruvate dehydrogenase, adenosine triphosphate, and the presumably hypnotically-induced mantra of “adenine-guanine-cytosine-adenine-thymine” they must constantly incant to make sure they don’t forget a bit, causing their cells to disappear or die because of their anti-magical* thinking. But they still said it, which is why I offer to help with my incredible 100% Chemical-Free Raw Natural Diet.

*anti-magical: deliberately NOT using complicated words they don’t understand, in order to reduce their own abilities BELOW standard.

 

06.08.15
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Petition to Strip Caitlyn Jenner of Olympic Gold Solves Organ Donation Crisis

A petition to strip Caitlyn Jenner of her 1976 Decathlon Olympic gold has collected over fourteen thousand signatures, heroically solving the country’s urgent shortage of donation organs.

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“It’s everything we could ever have wished for,” said transplant surgeon Dr Reciklado. “We desperately need donor organs, but we can’t just take them from people who aren’t using them. With the invention of the internet that would cause an extinction. That’s why we’re grateful to these people for perfectly highlight themselves as involuntary organ donors.”

Not only do the petition’s signatories have nothing better to do than hatefully trawl three-decade old sporting events records, but they helpfully insult anyone who might otherwise have defended them. “I’m meant to believe these assholes just happen to be passionate about twentieth century decathlon results? They think I’m that stupid? To hell with them.” said every judge consulted on the issue.

The involuntary donors insisted that they would sue to prevent the proceedings. But records prove that each of them was once six years old at their sixth birthday party, and are therefore legally incapable of hiring lawyers because — by their own argument — human beings never change in any way.

Dr Ricklado has already been tapped for several Nobel Prizes, since the new surgeries qualify not only as recycling but as the green disposal of toxic waste. The United Nations Commission on Human Rights has cautioned transplant surgeons not to waste time, and to get on with harvesting these people as quickly as possible. “Just as excrement can fertilize new flowers” concluded the UN report, “So these people might eventually help the human race. And the sooner it happens the less we have to put up with their shit.”

More combat proctology:

05.27.15
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Breda O’Brien Inducted Into Irish Language (As Expletive)

Conradh na Gaeilge this morning confirmed that Breda O’Brien is being inducted into the Irish language. The new verb, “brédaobrien”, obeys the standard gaelicization procedure of “stick a fada on it”, and means “to retard, hold back, or otherwise impede normal progress”.

“Breda O’Brien’s writings really speak to Ireland’s history”, a spokeswoman told reporters after they’d patiently sat through the original Irish presentation, “Specifically those bits of history we’re still dealing with despite all our best efforts to learn from them and move forward. We can only hope that compressing everything she stands for into a single word will complete her life’s work. So that she can stop. Writing. So that she can stop writing and embarrassing us all so much.”

The spokeswoman went on to tell a humorous anecdote about how her child had bredaobrien’d their whole morning, screaming and refusing to get ready for school because she didn’t get the ice-cream she wanted.

Only hours old, the word is already finding widespread use. On my way to work this morning I passed three farmers performing linguistic nominalization as they struggled to extricate a tractor which had sunk into a bog. “It’s being a right brédaobrien of a thing this morning”, one swore. In fact, so excited was I to see this new grammatical usage that I accidentally stepped in a cowpat. But I dealt with this the same way anyone deals with a brédaobrien: cleaned away all the shite, and got on with moving forward.

More Irish news:

BREAKING NEWS: Iona Institute Melting

Pacific Atlantic Rim: The Story of the Irish Jaeger

05.15.15
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Scientists Discover Fundamental Bigot Particle

Scientists have revolutionized our understanding by discovering the bigot, the fundamental unit of intolerance. The bigot is found to be the exact opposite of dark matter: sadly all too visible in the modern universe, and all too willing to interact with other matter in a detectable way.

One of the most revealing results of the experiment was the discovering that bigots don’t need to know that they’re bigots in order to be bigots. The result was obtained by using the Large Hadron Collider to accelerate an Irish “No” Voter and a man wearing confederate flag headband to close to the speed of light and then colliding them. The experiment had to be repeated several times to overcome the immense thickness of the bigot skull and discover what — if anything — was happening inside.

“Our studies conclusively prove that bigots don’t need to know that they are bigots.” said Professor Jagarukasva. “They aren’t aware of their own bigotry. Or much of anything. For centuries people have tried explain bigot mechanics with false ideas of natural law, or entirely imaginary mathematics of the divine, but with modern technology people can easily see the truth.”

The result has sent shockwaves through the bigot community, many of whom thought they weren’t bigoted because they hadn’t completed a Bigot Declaration Form to officially register with their local Bigot Council. (Related story: UKIP wins only one seat in 2015 election.) Several others insisted that they never used “that word”, though they seemed absolutely sure their audiences knew what word they were talking about, and that they were just saying.

One of the first corollaries of this result was found by reversing it.

“Just as one does not need to declare oneself to be bigot,” continued the Professor, “one cannot simply declare oneself not to be a bigot. In the same way one cannot declare oneself not to be on fire: it doesn’t change the fact, and until the problem is solved it will continue to make things worse for the person and more unpleasant for everyone around them.”

Further research:

05.01.15
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Irish Marriage Equality: Fixing the No Posters

The No campaign used their latest poster to piss all over single parents and orphans as well as gay couples, because pissing on disadvantaged groups is their entire and only deal. Which is why I fixed it for them.

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More Irish updates:

Ireland’s Abortion Laws Announced As Plot Of Next Saw Movie

Other Embarrassing Payments by RTÉ

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