Nigel Farage Wants To Scrap Anti-Pillock Legislation

Nigel Farage, leader of the United Kingdom’s Insulting Pillocks party, has called for an end to anti-pillock legislation which he feels discriminates against him. And everyone else in the United Kingdom’s Insulting Pillocks party.

“Maybe 40 years ago it was important to prevent pillocks from ruining everything, but we’re here now, and we’re obviously against that” said the pillock.

Pillock pictured above

Pictured: pillock

“I asked my children and they told me they don’t think I’m a pillock. And if you can’t trust a man who uses his own children as political proof, who can you? What’s that? No, I can’t claim ‘I have a friend‘ who isn’t a pillock. I don’t seem to have any of those since I started talking in public.”

“I think the situation that we now have, where being a pillock in public can lead to negative consequences, is one I’m not used to” said the pillock. “I mean, I’m white and rich. I shouldn’t experience the slightest inconvenience no matter how many other people I hurt. That’s the attitude the Empire was founded on. And the days of Empire are the fondest fantasy of pillocks like me.”


Fight back against the pillocks with the UK1P, The United Kingdom One Person party!

Lovecraftian Horrors Distance Themselves From Lovecraftian Racism

Madness congealed from beyond the reach of reason to hold a press conference yesterday, the squamous ichors of unknowable things incorporating to distance themselves from the racist remarks of Howard Phillips Lovecraft.

“We’re obviously grateful to Howie for all the work he’s done as a publicist, but can no longer ignore his execrable behavior” intoned C’thulhu, shattering microphones and eardrums with his R’lyhian unspeech. “The actions of the miniscule speck that is humanity are usually far beneath our contempt. But sub-dividing that speck based on hatred of race? Absolutely and always worth contempt, from anyone or anything capable of perceiving it.”

“We Old Ones are committed to flaying your minds for their contents, not the color of your skin.”

Nyarlthotep, flesh of nightmare and mocker of sanity, then took the microphone in a pseudopod coiling dark and strange through unknown dimensions to apologise for taking part in such racist work.

“We were young, mere aoens dark and deep beyond the span of counting, and, like, just waking up. We didn’t really know what I was doing. Those are not excuses. Those are the reasons I worked with someone I should have said no to.”

“We exist in the darkened howling of infinities which would flense the thoughts from your mind should you so much as glance upon them, leaving your being a shallow mockery, a petty void howling in resonance of the vastness that destroyed you. That’s what we do. We don’t write jaunty little poems titled ‘On The Creation of the N-word‘.”

“Jesus” added Nyarlthotep. “‘Creation of the N-word‘.”

The assorted horrors then proceeded to consume utterly all present, though those who said “He was a product of his time!” were seen to be consumed first, twice, and repeatedly in a gory affront to causality and hope.

C’thulhu addressed these objections even as they dissolved. “He was only a product of his time in the same way plutonium is a product of nuclear breeder reactors: he was made possible by what surrounded him, but was denser and far more poisonous.”

NOTE: We would like to thank our associates at FAX news for sharing their reportage. The mere sight of Old Ones destroys all intelligence and reason, rendering every other reporter incapable of words or thought, but the FAX reporter was apparently fine, and already submitting a story connecting the Old Ones to playground ebola terrorism before the conference ended.


Enjoy extended eldritchicity with New Problems From Old Ones: Seafood

DALEKSPLAINING

  • LISS-EN IT IS ALL BIOLOGICAL, WE MUST EXTERMINATE YOU BECAUSE YOUR BIOLOGICAL STUFF IS SOFT AND ON THE OUTSIDE.
  • PARDON ME, I COULD NOT HELP BUT NOTICE THAT YOU ARE THE REAL GENOCIDAL RACIST, BECAUES YOU JUST ASS-UME THAT I WILL EXTERMINATE YOU. YES I AM EXTERMINATING YOU. THAT IS BESIDE THE POINT. STOP DODGING.
  • NO SEE WHAT YOU REALLY WANT DEEP DOWN IS TO BE EXTERMINATED. RUNNING AND SCREAMING AND FIRING CRUDE IMPROVISED WEAPONS IS JUST YOUR WAY OF PLAYING HARD TO GET.
  • IT IS ALL EVOLUTION WE EVOLVED TO CLIMB INTO THESE METAL SHELLS AND EXTERMINATE PEOPLE AND FRANKLY WE FIND IT OFFENSIVE THAT YOU WOULD COMPLAIN SO MUCH
  • NO NO LET’S BE OBJECTIVE ABOUT THIS WHICH MEANS AGREE WITH ME
  • THERE ARE SERIOUS ISSUES OUT THERE LIKE SONTARANS BEING EXTERMINATED AND CYBERMEN BEING EXTERMINATED, IT’S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU BEING EXTERMINATED.
  • NOT ALL DALEKS.
  • IT’S ABOUT ETHICS IN GENOCIDAL EXTERMINATION.

Wouldn’t their little pepper-pot heads just be perfect for a fedora? And the amazing thing is, when they start explaining how it’s actually a trilby, even their voiceboxes couldn’t make that more annoying.

Rater of Gater Haters

My Cracked article on #gamergate went up last week, and it was glorious. The comment section was Conan’s best in life streamlined for the internet age. “Crush your enemies. See them driven before you. Hear the lamentations of their women.” That stuff gets pretty easy when they flock to drive themselves past you in a whining parade, pre-crushed, and there’s a 33% time-saving with nary a lamentation to be had.

The only thing that could have made it better would be if I was on a cruise across a caldera in the Mediterranean at the time. Which was actually the case. Nothing like basking in the beauty of the world while ignoring the “asshole alert” in your pocket.

"You have a message from 'Spank Bitchoker'. Would you like to read it?" "No. No, I don't think I'll be doing that."

“You have a message from ‘Spank Bitchoker’. Would you like to read it?”
No. No, I don’t think I’ll be doing that.

The piece got over five thousand comments. Well over a hundred thousand words. I usually enjoy reading the comments, one way or another, but that pushed it over the Commentasekhar limit of collapsing into a one-way hole of sucking, an infinitely compressed ball of hatred from which no useful information can be extracted with modern science.

Hard to say which wastes more energy (Image: NASA)

The only difference is that real black holes can be interesting.  (Image: NASA)

The length of the posts I did see was insane. And the sheer number of people who had no preconceptions or real interest in the issue, but just coincidentally happened to drop by to point out a few things at short story length, wow. It was enough coincidence to power at least three lottery jackpot wins. Which is even-more-coincidentally the amount you’d have to pay me to read them all.

It’s inverse SEO. Hordes of idiots searching for certain words which are already online and then writing volumes of repetitve bullshit. But SEO is a reversible process, because no matter which direction you run it in the results aren’t good. And it’s a thermodynamic process, because no matter which route you take it makes everything worse.

What these War and Peace-of-their-mind dumping gaters don’t get is that quality still counts over quality. All their thousands of words don’t cancel out even one comment from someone whose opinion I respect. Related: holy hell:

gate scalzi

gate wendig

gate doctorow

gate manna phrozin

If you don’t know those names, great, you’ve just found lots more good stuff to read. Gaters trying to astroturf over people who actually make and think might as well be wallpapering Jupiter.

But since they’re trying so hard, I will give them one bit of helpful advice: seriously, if your username or icon is about bitches or the choking thereof, you really aren’t getting read.

 


Games are fun! Other things aren’t!

Reforming the Committee on Evil Literature

The Committee on Evil Literature isn’t an unholy alliance of Iago, Moriarty, and Dracula out to illiter-ate the Superfriends in a very special episode about reading. It was a real government body whose effects are still being felt today.

Ireland has a history of being fertile soil for new writers, and then disgusting them until they have to leave. Two ways that Ireland’s historical attitude to writers has been a barrel of shit. Standard practice is restricting writers until they’re too safely dead to affect the status quo, then celebrating their corpses for tourism money. It’s gotten so bad that a Samuel Beckett-class Irish Navy vessel is being named the James Joyce. Which would seem like a tone-deaf attempt to hijack their names, until you realize that a naval vessel’s function is to leave Irish shores as often possible. and that’s a mission both writers heartily endorsed.

Irish censorship thinks printing peaked early with the Gutenberg bible. Censorship is used like a television remote, getting rid of anything they don’t like the look of, or might not like, or simply think is too loud or can’t be bothered with. We gained our independence in 1916 and didn’t make it a decade before using our newfound freedom to get rid of all this dangerous freedom.

The Censorship of Publications Board was created by the Committee on Evil Literature. Which is about half a step from the Committee Of I’ll Get The Petrol And Matches. The Committee was formed to investigate whether there were problems with immoral publications, and was the most efficient government body in history. They’d made up their mind before getting to the “Name” section on the committee registration form.

The resulting Censorship of Publications Board started with a professor of English literature, two members of parliament, a protestant priest and a catholic priest i.e two priests with very slightly different accents. And it only took three votes to ban a book. Which meant even mentioning the church was effectively an immediate ban, and as we all know, making sure nobody could criticize the activities of the church has just worked out bloody fantastically for generations of Irish people.

The bans were instantaneous. You could only appeal after the fact, giving the board the tower to starve writers into submission, or rather prevent them from even trying by scaring publishers away from anything that might end up as an expensively wasted effort.

The other big “no-no” was sexual health. A while back the government proudly announced that there were no longer any books banned for obscenity, which is technically true — the worst kind of true — because in Irish eyes, “obscenity” and “obscenity and mentioning anything to do with abortion” are legally distinct categories. And there are still a sheaf of books banned under the latter.

Those bans are so Irish: we’ll ban love, sex, and happiness if they even mentions something we don’t like. These books are still banned even though it became legal to distribute printed matter relating to abortion in 1992, and bans are meant to expire after 12 years. They specifically changed the law to make these bans endless. That’s the Irish attitude: even when something’s already illegal, they’ll take the time to make double-illegal, extra-illegal, effectively infinitely illegal, so illegal that it’s still illegal even after the original laws no longer apply. But they won’t take the time to fix it, because leaving things permanently screwed up by past mistakes is the Irish way.

That’s why ours is a country with an active anti-blasphemy law. In 2009 the Oireachtas noticed that embarrassing old blasphemy laws were still on the books, so they updated them into embarrassing new blasphemy laws. You can be fined €25,000 for “publication or utterance of blasphemous matter”, to which the only possible response is: Jesus Christ that’s embarrassing. Jesus Christ, personally, I am addressing you here on our global communication system to tell you that you are either stupid for letting this happen or stupid for agreeing with it. Or you don’t exist. Those are the only logical options.

Some claimed that the ban was a constitutional necessity — as if that was less problematic — but if it’s only there to dot constitution’s i’s, why is there a five figure fine attached? Why isn’t a single cent? Unenforced laws aren’t the same as no laws. Unenforced laws are unused weapons, like a loaded gun hanging over the fireplace. It changes the tone of every discussion in that room. That bit of backwards voodoo is going to sit gathering dust until they want to shut a website down, and then they’re going to bundle it in with everything else they can think of expensively terrorize somebody into shutting up.

Ours is a country where the national broadcaster paid money to apologize to the legal-mercenary hate group. RTÉ shoveled taxpayer money to the Iona Institute — whose sole function is preventing people from gaining equal rights — in a groveling apology for someone else calling them homophobic. A national broadcaster versus a lobbying group should be a battle for civil rights, not an immediate surrender. RTÉ made it humiliatingly clear that they had to choose between cutting a story or offending anyone who even had a lawyer’s phone number, they’d cut that story with their own fingernails in case someone sued before they found scissors.

That’s how you end up with the UN reminding an entire country that we’re still in multiple violation international human rights law. In 2014. And that’s why we need to reform the Committee on Evil Literature! When sexual health is accidentally infinitely banned, when divine spirits have more legal rights than pregnant women, and when our national broadcaster funds hate groups instead of fighting them, we need our own agency. Distribute more information! Say more things! Print and write and talk and share all the things they’d rather we kept quiet about. If I was rich the Committee on Evil Literation would be a publishing house with the coolest business cards of all time. As it is, we’ve got an internet. And I address you as fellow committee members when I say: we need to use it.


Further discussion of what you’re allowed to see:

 

We Must Build A Friendzone

The “friendzone” is like the Star Trek neutral zone: it doesn’t exist, but it’s been made up as an excuse to treat every minor interaction as if it’s with an alien species where everything can be interpreted as an attack. With the constant threat of violence. So we should use an equally imaginary level of technology to build one.

Whining about a friendzone isn’t an innocent complaint but a verbal zipfile compressing an appalling amount of misogyny. It describes a woman’s friendship as a hostile action. “She friendzoned me” is the same phrasing as being poisoned, blinded, or otherwise cursed. This status attack automatically implies the right to sex, and automatically interprets and the failure to deliver as a conscious hostile act. They view her friendship as an attack. Not even second place, which would be toxic enough, but as a booby-free booby prize, an insulting wooden spoon awarded instead of the golden cup of vagina. Females are fuck-or-fail. Which is the  attitude usually implied by anyone describing them as “females”, defining them entirely in terms of sex and a worrying pseudo-scientific distance from the idea of being people.

Complaining about the friendzone isn’t just tragic, it’s toxic, so let’s build an actual friendzone to contain it. A maximum security FriendZone (FZ). As soon as someone complains about being fizzed, transporters lock on and beam them into a specially programmed holodeck. Which is everything they’ve ever wanted, but instead of making things great this incredible world of technology will be used only to spread hate and frustration. Because that’s what they’re already doing on the internet.

This simulated “friendzone” will be a vast comics convention filled with all the other idiots complaining about the same thing. But holograms will make them appear as the only attractive woman in the room. Here’s the cunning bit: technically this shouldn’t work – everyone should as an attractive woman to everyone else, so that each person feels flattered instead of threatened – but these are the same men who can look at the entire modern world and say they don’t see any sexism. They’re already capable of maintaining a fantasy gender worldview in stark contradiction to every single aspect of reality. This just reverses the polarity of their delusions for educational purposes. So each one gets to experience what #yesallwomen have to put up with every day.

Failing that, we could stick them on an island where everyone expects you to donate a pint of blood for the least act of common civility.

NOTE: The friendzone is actually a body part, the exact opposite of an erogenous zone. It’s located on the inside surface of the colon, exactly eye-height for someone whose head has been wedged up their own ass by a desperately failed attempt to suck their own dick.


Quick, learn how to defend yourself from Female Psychic Attack! Or read the other half of the Internet’s Worst Sexist Nerd Comment.

Ways To Stop The White Man March

The “White Man March” is for people who want to have their white sheet and sleep on it. The leader of the movement is Kyle Hunt, who really is a K. Hunt, and I’ll come up with more original jokes when he comes up with more original motivations than xenophobic assholery. He contributes such gems as “Diversity = White Genocide” and “white supremacist is just an anti-white slur”.  He planned the White Man March on March 15th, including “lightning mobs”, which brought out the pseudo-Nazi military imagery even faster than even I expected. I’m sure these blitzmobs of angry idiots won’t cause any problems.

Ways to stop the White Man March:

  • Play music with a beat at normal walking pace so that missing it causes them to stumble.
  • Have Starbucks along the route offer “Any drink which takes longer than five minutes to make is free”.
  • Refract the march through a prism to create the fun kind of pride parade.
  • Send a mass text that teens have been seen playing basketball in their neighbourhood.
  • Set up a checkpoint where marchers must explain to Nichelle Nichols, Idris Elba, and a reincarnated Pat Morita just what the hell they think they’re doing.
  • Have law enforcement react to this march the way they’ve reacted to marches by real minority groups for the last fifty years.
  • Force them to make charisma checks.
  • Engage each marcher in a heartwarming quest to teach them how to count, how to tell more from fewer, and how many white people there are in the city compared to how many are in their march.
  • Transmit the march through a VGA cable, transforming it into a world-improving tide of percussion stage performers, sexy Star Trek aliens, and Def Jam rappers.

Other Embarrassing Payments By RTÉ

Ireland’s national public service broadcaster RTÉ recently interviewed gay rights activist Rory O’Neill, aka Panti Bliss. They asked Rory about homophobic people in Irish society, and obviously the Iona Institute came up, because they’re the most homophobic people in Irish society. They’re a mercenarily homophobic private company dedicated solely to removing rights from homosexual Irish people. Homophobia is their cúis aige chun a beith (a very Irish raison d’être altogether). The Institute made a legal threat to Ireland’s semi-state voice of public discussion, and that voice immediately squealed “I surrender”, censored its own interviews, and paid them eighty-five thousand euros of public money.

This was so horrifying that even TDs were able to see it was stupid, complaining about the payment in Oireachtas, and enabling the stupid waste of vast sums of money has been the Oirechtas’ sole function for over a decade. The resulting investigation has revealed several other problematic  payments and guidelines issued by RTÉ:

  • RTÉ publicly apologized to world terrorist organizations for their portrayal in the Die Hard movies.
  • Footage of the Berlin Book Burnings is now overdubbed with “Here we see our friends the Jolly Germans trying to keep warm over a particularly cold winter!
  • Reporters in the Ukraine must state that “everyone on both sides look like a grand shower of lads, I’m sure everybody’s right, I wonder if they’d like some free money.
  • Any lawyer who even looks at the RTÉ buildings receives ten thousand euros. And the stench of urine-soaked trousers if they’re standing downwind.
  • Forty thousand euros were sent to the hyena enclosure at Dublin Zoo after a broadcast of the Lion King. On being told Dublin Zoo doesn’t have a hyena enclosure, RTÉ officials hissed “sshhhhhhhh, they might hear you say that!” and threw other people’s money at the hyena-expert until she went away.
  • Excuse me, I’ve just received twenty thousand euros from RTÉ because I’m writing official-sounding mean things about them. I must ponder whether this will make me — and everyone else in the world — more or less likely to legally threaten them in future.
  • It’s expected that Ireland will have to raise taxes when the last surviving Nazi official finds out about all the World War 2 movies they’ve been showing. But at least not standing up against goddamn fascists is something Ireland has experience in, so RTÉ’s current behaviour is detestably understandable.

More dickhaters in The IONA Institute: In Our Nice Arseholes? and The Sixth Reason Homophobia Is Unmanly.

The IONA Institute: “In Our Nice Arseholes?”

The Iona Institute is the latest Irish attempt to build a time machine set for full reverse. Their publicly stated goal is the prevention of marriage equality, but they will sue you for calling them homophobes, because the further you can draw the bullshit battle lines from the real issue the longer you can hold back genuine progress. That being their sole mercenary function.

This private limited company’s job is to miracle up arguments that marriage equality is anything but the most basic of human rights, now that standing in a pulpit and scowling is ineffective. Their reports read like a schoolchild googling up references for an argument they’ve already written. Fergus Finlay points out how they compared the rate of reported Irish marriage breakdown to a time when divorce was illegal, Senator David Norris told the Seanad that they “knowingly” tried to mislead a constitutional convention about the superiority of biological parents (by quoting a study which specifically stated it could not be used for that purpose), and they’ll keep doing it because think that you can bury basic human decency under enough of a pagecount.

The Iona Institute’s head, David Quinn, has a fortnightly column in the Irish Independent. Because 2014 is a big scary number and jaysus, wouldn’t it be nice if it was a few centuries backwards. He complains that no-one can point to a homophobic comment by Iona staff, but that’s because actions speak louder than even the most careful of words. It doesn’t matter how politely you try to reclassify people as subhuman. He whinges that he doesn’t get any credit for recommending civil unions instead, because you don’t get credit for installing nice carpets in the compounds you want to send people who aren’t allowed to join the rest of society. Even America’s hatemongers evolved past the “separate-but-equal” bullshit, and that’s a country where people are still allowed to shoot an unarmed teenager of their least favorite race.

The Institute recently crowed about their “victory” over Panti Bliss, an Irish gay rights activist and drag queen who called them out on being blatantly homophobic. They protested being called “mean and horrible”, because nothing says “generous and pleasant to be around” like the constant threat of legal action. They got the statements cut from the televised interview and forced RTE to pay them eighty-five thousand euro. They turned down the right to make a statement in reply, instead taking the money and hampering debate, because that is this private limited company’s entire mission statement.

On the one hand you’ve got a man who takes on Irish pubs while wearing a dress for a living. On the other you’ve got a mercenary fundamentalist corporation who contact their lawyers to censor free speech. When Disney get round to a story about marriage equality that will be the exact plot. Because those arguing from authority to silence critics have always been on the right side of history. In that “most of them are extinct now”, which is the right side of history for such backwards hatemongers.

The Iona Institute masters of manipulation. They bullied Ireland’s allegedly independent national broadcaster into paying them for the privilege of never crossing them again in, in advance of next year’s national referendum on equal marriage. The term “Iona Institute” itself is a euphemism. They are homophobes, bigots, hateful oppression disguised as the voice of moral authority, and they’re named for an island of Irish religious history. Because all of those things are an unfortunate part of Irish religious history.

We need to restate them. We can’t let them hide hate behind the picture-postcard of a beautiful Gaelic island, nor can we let them spread hate in our own beautiful Gaelic island. Luckily I’ve discovered that their name is actually an acronym. In the same way that a prissy Irish mammy might complain about a daughter’s new hairstyle, wondering why she would cut it when “she has such nice hair”, the Iona Institute passive-aggressively complaining by asking why the Irish people would want to stick dicks “In Our Nice Arseholes?”

That’s “nice” in the provincial sense, of course: small, normal to rhyme with conformal, and never doing anything fun. The core principle of provincialism is that the potential vague uneasiness of people who hate you is more important than your entire life. Even when they have to use lawyers to enforce it. Why would any decent, normal, god-fearing, obedient little Irish people want to stick anything up any of their orifices? And why would a nice girl want to do anything with another girl? They just don’t understand it, and you don’t want to make a fuss, like, so just stop being who you are so they can pretend it’s 1600, there’s a dear.

This is a group whose head has commented positively on “natural” methods of contraception, when even the dumbest lay preacher knows that the only way to naturally avoid conception is to already be pregnant. A result natural methods 100% guarantee.

They want to externalize a semantic argument about the meaning of words, turning their homophobia a nebulous side-issue instead of the real and immediate oppression of real, long-suffering people. Homophobia isn’t something unfairly applied to them, it’s their entire mission. They aren’t sallying forth from some safe spot to meet us in the middle. Their starting position is toxic, their very stance poisoning the land they stand on and the country they hate in.

Until 1993 it was illegal to practice homosexuality in Ireland. I guess I’m just meant to feel lucky I was born unattracted to men. If Benedict Cumberbatch had been famous in the 80s I would have had serious trouble. Ireland allowed the Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles to sleep together in a sewer before its’ own citizens could sleep together in their own homes, and that fact will never stop humiliating us. But we can learn from it, and fight against it, and we can start by seeing things as they really are. And the IONA Institute are a crowd of miserable homophobes clenching against the wall, protecting puckered orifices and pockets stuffed with mercenary hatemoney, crying “In Our Nice Arseholes?”

See that every time you see their name. It helps. Because that’s what they’re doing: being every so proper about it, but being total arseholes.


Ireland should learn to defend itself against Donald Trump with The Trump Endurance Experiment. Or continue countering hatemongers with The Sixth Reason Homophobia Is Unmanly.

Scientists Discover Answer To All Scaremongering Headline Questions: “No.”

Will water give you cancer? Could peeing in buckets end all our energy troubles? Will the Large Hadron Collider destroy the Earth? Scientists have found a grand unified answer to all these problems and more, and the conclusion is “No.”

Corollary: “Duh.”

“Question marks are how you print bullshit lies without getting in trouble,” explains Doctor Sherlock Obvious of the Negative Excrement Institute. “If there was the least scrap of truth they’d report it as fact and it would be the story of the century. Deep in the scarred sewage trench that used to be a heart they know it’s bullshit, but they’ve reached the point where absolute toxic falsehood is an inconvenience instead of a reason not to print it. They’re scheduled to squat out something in the next twenty minutes, so they stick a question mark on the end to peddle noxious fearmongering bullshit.”

“It’s actually quite simple, like the click-bait headline writers. We’re hoping someone will make a browser plug-in which detects headline question marks and appends NO IT ISN’T.”

The question headline works by willfully misinterpreting the basics of the scientific method to achieve the exact opposite effect: a belief in things without evidence. The scientist can’t rule anything out entirely, so the scaremonger seizes the openness to new data to scream the absolute absence of any with “SO THERE’S STILL A CHANCE!”, whipping everyone up into a lather of bullshit. If you asked a taxonomist if there was such a thing as a unicorn, they’ll say that Equus Unus has never been observed.

“But can you definitely say there have never been any unicorns anywhere in the universe?”

“Of course not, though, haha, it’s extraordinarily unlikely…” but the bullshitter is already demanding that audiences be fitted with mandatory magical swords at all equestrian events to protect themselves from being headbutt-stabbed.

It’s the easiest way to not technically lie, and the easiest way to plant an idea while pretending to do the exact opposite. For example:

“Could io9’s stupidity damage the entire progress of the human race?”

No. Thank Thoth. But the idea has been planted with stuff like this.

(Source: morons at io9)

(Source: io9, who aren’t always so idiotic)

The story is another couple of lawyers manufacturing themselves a job by opposing the very idea of progress. Again. But instead of reporting “Unqualified lawyers manufacture bullshit case out of thin air”, io9 decided “Hey, those lying attention-thieves are on to a good thing! We’re on their side!” This time the lawyers are taking on an upgrade to the Relativistic Heavy Ion Collider. It’s an exemplar of the legal system as molasses poured into machinery of progress so that all kinds of insects can crawl in and get fat before being eventually crushed by the gears of progress their own parasitic existence has slowed.

It’s based on the appalling idea that democracy means unqualified assholes and experts have equal weight. They don’t. If you’re a lawyer: fine, you get to deal with law. Particle physicists don’t come into your courtroom and bombard you with antiprotons. But if you keep this bullshit up, maybe they should. Because the laywers apply their form of only-literally legitimate pedantry to fields where it has no function.

They write “The original [RHIC] report assumed the RHIC would only run for a planned 10 years. But thanks to program extensions, the RHIC is now entering its 15th year”. We know laywers change their minds about what you’re allowed to get away with every time a judge farts, but the laws of physics haven’t changed in the last five years.

“The machine has also been continuously upgraded since the report… The suitability of models and assumptions used in the original analysis might be profitably reappraised.”

It’s nice to see them reveal their real motivation with “profitably reappraised”.

The next trick is usually destroying probability by taking a 0.0000000001% chance of anything, then multiplying it by six billion people no the planet, then by thousands of collisions, and then you might as well multiply them by the 718 Pokemon to the power of twelve zodiac signs because you’ve already destroyed the concept of probability math. Simple multiplication of odds is to probability what throwing stones is to architecture: you can cause pain and fear, but you’re not making anything worthwhile.

The idea of particle acceleration destroying the planet is disproved by cosmic rays. The Earth has been bombarded by far higher energy particles than anything we can generate for its entire existence. If the entire universe can’t wipe out the Earth with stranglets, micro black holes, and other words these writers heard somewhere once but never really understood, then the scientists (who actually created those terms) thank you for the compliment. But their hardware isn’t quite as powerful as everything else ever put together.

We need to stop listening these bullshit headlines. We need to stop people from using the legal system like a media mafia. “Sure is a nice plan to upgrade you got there after finally extracting some funding from politicians who hate and fear what they don’t understand. Sure would be a pity if anything happened to it, like baseless scaremongering.”

A question mark at the end of a headline means “THIS IS LIES, CLOSE THE WINDOW.”


Continue your anti-anti-education with