Heavily-armed Fundamentalist Sect Apprehended In Major European City

Early this morning an anti-terror raid recovered a cache of hundreds of pistols, rifles, and machine-guns, and arrested over a hundred men who had been trained in their use and stationed in the heart of the tourist district of Rome. These men insisted that they did not recognize the laws of Italy, and that they only answered to the will of a man they called “the Holy Father”.

Arresting officers discovered dozens of lethal HK MP7 submachine guns, SIG MKPO submachine guns with folding stocks, and dozens of Glock 9mm pistols, all specifically chosen because they could be hidden under the sect’s bizarre religiously-motivated clothing in crowded tourist areas.

Also recovered were dozens of swords, polearms, and a variety of medieval suits of armor. “Whoever this ‘Swiss Guard’ think they are,” said one investigating officer, “they never threw away a single weapon”.

The group’s fundamentalist beliefs are a direct threat to modern society. They allow no women in their ranks – a fact investigators credit with speeding their discovery, as no legitimate normal organization could maintain such blatant sexism in modern society for any length of time.

The cult’s leader “Holy Father”, aka Jorge Bergoglio, was also arrested in the sting. Despite his repeated insistence that his was a peaceful organization dedicated only to helping the needy, goods worth ten billion dollars were recovered in the group’s vast multi-building hideout. When asked if a legitimate charity organization could acquire this level of wealth, several responding officers started laughing, long and loud, and show no signs of ever stopping.

More religious news of divine intercessation:

Marriage Restriction And Other Religious Parasites

In the long term marriage equality is guaranteed. Because everyone campaigning for marriage restriction has to start by revealing that they’re a soulless monster. Their position has to begin by redefining marriage as something it makes sense to restrict, and to frame that redefinition they must ask “What is marriage for?”

Imagine not knowing that. Imagine being so broken you don’t understand love, or affection, the embrace of another person, the warmth of facing the immensities of life in the knowledge you’ll never be alone again. Imagine having to ask that question, out loud, and then giving the wrong answer. Because their answers are all crap:

  • “We must produce new people in obedience of our master.”
  • “We must raise new workers in accordance with instructions from above.”
  • “We must obey these arbitrary commands from someone we’ve never seen.”

Those aren’t the words of a loving god, those are the commands of me going for a high score population when playing SimCity. And the instant anyone decries anything as unnatural they should be struck naked, their phone stops working, and all the meat in their belly becomes raw.

These opponents of equality went looking for love and they found an instruction booklet. If they weren’t so poisonous we’d pity them.

There’s only one reason we even hear these loveless ghouls. You might think it’s because their words echo around their own hollowness, an emptiness which gives them nothing better to do but reverberate their restrictions to anyone who’ll listen. But shouting simply doesn’t get you that much attention.

They prey our attention because religion has parasitized all our most important social events. Birth, death, marriage, the wise folk of those original tribes showed how wise they were by installing intellect-overrides in all the most important days of our lives. But people can still be born without a god. This has been tested. Even the most miraculous of births was only immaculate because it didn’t use a man to contribute genetic material. That’s not solving any problems. Men prepared to do that duty are not in short supply.

People still die without any of the thousands of gods too, and if choosing one to talk to when the person you really want to see is no longer available, that’s fine. But churches parasitized the promise of marriage by making it a religious ceremony as well as a civil one. And now that we’re slowly and painfully levering the leech off this event, the parasite responds chewing its way through our brains in a desperate attempt to prevent us from thinking against it. Which only makes them that much more obvious and painful to bear in the process.

Churches should be struggling towards symbiosis, strengthening the supportive aspects of religious communities. But instead they’re standing on the mountaintop screaming about who isn’t allowed to marry in a world where even couples with “permission” often skip all the skybearded fuss and heading straight to the town hall instead.

The church claims marriage as a sacrament, but they didn’t invent it. People weren’t popping into existence as immaculate quantum fluctuations until a priest said “Hey, if you incant these magical phrases you’ll be able to huddle together for warmth and funtimes!” Religion annexed it the same way they hijacked pagan winter festivals, and fertility rites, and anything else they could as they became the Walmart of belief.

Marriage equality is guaranteed in the long term. But we can’t allow monsters to spew poison and pain in the short term. That’s where we live, and it’s already far too short to allow loss of any love.

Get more divine assistance with The Original Creator’s Creation Story and The Guide To Better Blasphemy