Irish Government Wiped Out By Alien Parasite

Ireland has been left without government  after a xenobiological infestation exterminated a large part of the Oireachtas. Earlier today senator Paul Bradford stumbled into Leinster House, the 18th-century Ducal Palace which acts as repository for the Irish government’s physical shells and moral views, with a scaled alien parasite affixed to his face. When security guards attempted to help with the horrific biological trauma being he hissed “There’s no such thing as an alien abnormality” before collapsing.

Taoiseach Enda Kenny swiftly leapt into action, pledging to establish constitutional convention to examine the issue, and whose convention’s recommendations would then be put to an Oireachtas committee, which would then explore possibly establishing a framework for future legislation, but only if Fine Gael was re-elected, following the dissolution of the current Dáil. The last part of this statement was relayed by radio as he had side-stepped the issue so far he was now in Cork. Unfortunately his deflections didn’t divert alien parasites which leapt from Bradford’s exploding corpse to infect several more TDs.

Health Minister Leo Varadkar rushed to the bleeding and inflated deputies to apply emergency spin. He urged considered and careful debate on the alien parasite issue. He pointed out that there would never be any such thing as a perfect solution, and that the mounds of bleeding bodies and ruined lives he was standing directly on top of as Health Minister — a pile which had doubled in size during his rhetoric, leaving him standing knee-deep in blood and gore– were no evidence at all.

When one security guard suggested destroying the alien parasites before they emerged he was threatened with a fourteen year jail sentence, and told to be grateful as before it would have been life imprisonment. Another guard suggested just leaving the Dáil but was reminded that many people couldn’t afford to just leave Irish institutions behind forever no matter how many problems it would solve.

The most recent reports from the speaker of the emergency committee of surviving Dáil members said “Hssssssssssssss!” and extended a second pair of jaws from inside its regular jaws, dripping acid which burned the floor. It then announced plans to rescind the water charges and is expected to sweep the next election.

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Irish No Voters Forbidden From Marrying

Irish people who voted No in the recent Irish marriage referendum have had their desires recognized by law, and are now forbidden from getting or being married.

Yes voters continually expressed a desire that everyone should be allowed to get married, but No voters insisted in raising the stakes, declaring that the losers of the referendum should not be allowed to wed. After being defeated 62:38, their marriages have accordingly been formally dissolved.

“The votes tell you everything you need to know,” said a government spokesperson. “The No voters declared their desire that the losers of the vote should be denied this fundamental human right, and in accordance with their wishes we’ve taken it away from them.”

All existing No voter marriages have been replaced with civil partnerships, which said voters frequently insisted were just the same. Apart from little things like lack of multiple social benefits, various legal protections, support for foreign partners, rights to shared homes in partnerships, and the absolute social segregation that comes from being told you’re not allowed to do what others can. Oh, and no longer having any legally recognized relationship with any non-biological children. But it’s generally considered the kids would be better off without them.


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Breda O’Brien Inducted Into Irish Language (As Expletive)

Conradh na Gaeilge this morning confirmed that Breda O’Brien is being inducted into the Irish language. The new verb, “brédaobrien”, obeys the standard gaelicization procedure of “stick a fada on it”, and means “to retard, hold back, or otherwise impede normal progress”.

“Breda O’Brien’s writings really speak to Ireland’s history”, a spokeswoman told reporters after they’d patiently sat through the original Irish presentation, “Specifically those bits of history we’re still dealing with despite all our best efforts to learn from them and move forward. We can only hope that compressing everything she stands for into a single word will complete her life’s work. So that she can stop. Writing. So that she can stop writing and embarrassing us all so much.”

The spokeswoman went on to tell a humorous anecdote about how her child had bredaobrien’d their whole morning, screaming and refusing to get ready for school because she didn’t get the ice-cream she wanted.

Only hours old, the word is already finding widespread use. On my way to work this morning I passed three farmers performing linguistic nominalization as they struggled to extricate a tractor which had sunk into a bog. “It’s being a right brédaobrien of a thing this morning”, one swore. In fact, so excited was I to see this new grammatical usage that I accidentally stepped in a cowpat. But I dealt with this the same way anyone deals with a brédaobrien: cleaned away all the shite, and got on with moving forward.


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BREAKING NEWS: Iona Institute Melting

Pacific Atlantic Rim: The Story of the Irish Jaeger

BREAKING NEWS: Iona Institute Melting

As incoming referendum results reveal a landslide victory for marriage equality, bystanders reports that the Iona Institute is collapsing into itself in clouds of toxic vapour. David Quinn was seen staggering into the street, pink skin-paint sloughing off to reveal a villainous green, screeching “I’M MELTING!” as he collapsed into a puddle.

Professor Stuaim was on hand to explain the bizarre changes.
“It’s a simple reversal of Disney Resurrection Syndrome: instead of a hero being revived by love, the overwhelming positive feelings blanketing the country are cutting off the hate the Iona Institute requires to survive. Without the constant external oppression needed to hold their shape, they’re collapsing back into the scum and vitriol of which they’re made.”

Our reporters obtained one last quote from the oil-slicked puddle of Quinn. “What a fair and loving world!” it cried before sluicing down a storm drain. The viscous remains of the Institute are expected to be washed away by the sheer volume of celebratory prosecco popped around the city by nightfall.


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Catholic Bishops Reassure No Voters: ” This Time We Won’t Look Like Backwards Idiots”

Letters from Catholic bishops are being read at masses assuring No voters that — unlike all previous cases of the Church opposing progress — this time they wouldn’t look like backwards idiots trying to keep an entire country in the Dark Ages.

The Archbishop of Dublin told reporters “In the past the Church has opposed contraception and divorce. We’ve burned women at the stake, tortured people to death, and ignored facts quite literally supported by the entire sky. More recently we’ve opposed the education of children, and even fought against the American Equal Rights Act.”

“We’ve had a lot of practice opposing things that later turned out to be the most basic progress of human rights. So we’re pretty sure that this time we’ve finally found something which won’t cast us as pantomime villains. I mean, we’re hardly even sexist any more.”

At this point Diarmuid had to bend hear a reporter in the front row.

“Well, no, we don’t allow women to be priests. Is that sexist?”

More muttering.

“Jesus. Well, come on now, it’s been almost twenty years since we last enslaved women to work in Magdalene Laundries, that’s got to count for something, right? Surely we’re a moral authority again by now. It’s not like we’ve been sexually abusing kids for a century and then covering it up or anything.”

More muttering.

“Ah, but that’s got to be some individuals. You can’t say the entire structure of Catholic moral authority was used purely to preserve its own power and traditions quite literally at the expense of an entire generation?”

Really quite urgent muttering now, and the rustling of reports by the government and the UN Committee Against Torture.

“Oh Christ.”

At this point Diarmuid staggered off stage and stopped even pretending to be able to tell other people what was moral or not. When asked for further comment he told reporters “For God’s sake, why are you still listening to us? Go ask SIPTU or something. They’ve done a better job of guiding you than we have.”


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A Marriage Proposal

It is a melancholy object to those who walk through our towns or travel our country, when they people being happy, and are tormented by the knowledge that some of those people might be happy with others of their own gender. There’s no actual way to tell these people apart, what with them all being people, so our unhappy walker is forced to imagine the lustful acts strangers consensually commit with each other. It simply isn’t possible for them to continue on their own way, with their own life and preferences, because of the agony of the knowledge that their god is facing starvation. Below I explain why this is so, and propose a novel solution.

I confess myself inexpert the sexual behaviour of total strangers, having always considered it basic manners to be on rather good terms with someone before broaching the subject of their genitals, but several pubic-spirited groups have taken great pains to educate me and the rest of the country, assuring us that these same-sex marriages be a serious crime against a god.

As to my own part, I must admit I fail to understand how the sexuality of strangers requires divine intervention. I will admit that the concept has been raised on some occasion when I’ve been involved, but must humbly report that the level of theological discussion rarely raised above repetition. Indeed, it displayed all the signs of rather poor argument, with the only evolution on each iteration being an increase of volume, but I’m happy to report that everyone involved in the vigorous discussion considered it a roaring success. But I digress.

I inquired upon a prominent member of one of the aforementioned groups to enlighten me. It is generally accepted that around one in ten people might be attracted to their own sex. With twenty thousand marriages per year in our country, the proposed decimation of heterosexual marriage would be about two thousand unions per year, approximately five and a half matrimonies per day, or one sacrament every four point four hours. Apparently the lord and savior is operating on such thin margins that even this small decline would prove an unsustainable strain on the heavenly budget.

I could not get a clear answer as to what consecrated fuel could possibly be extracted from a heterosexual couple on their wedding night, but apparently it only works when the genitals are arranged and connect to each other in a specific way. I asked if the group was confused. Perhaps they were thinking of electrical sockets, or maybe a very simple jigsaw intended for the edification of children? No, I was told, they didn’t understand what I meant by that. They just wanted to be in charge of all human love and affection.

That seemed rather beyond the remit of someone’s personal preferences, but I still considered their problem as I walked away, as it seemed to plague them. And only the most heartless imitation of a human being could let others exist in suffering, tormented by questions of externally enforced legality versus their own deepest feelings. I decided it was my duty to find a solution.

In the manner of someone caring for a friend’s sickly pet I first had to work out what it required for sustenance. And I must exhibit great care, as surely anything which can be damaged by the kindness of strangers (not even the pet, but to each other!) must be among the most vulnerable creations in existence. It occurs that perhaps this god has become rather too refined in its diet, in the manner of the panda bears which can only survive on a specific sort of bamboo, and as a result must face extinction in the face of a changing environment. But still, the panda is an adorable animal, and can provide some solace to those who enjoy its continued existence. Maybe this god is the same. It is the duty of the beneficent human to find some way of preserving such entertaining companions.

Indeed, it seems their sustaining sacrament could be quite easily provided. If their god is somehow diminished by fewer acceptable marriages, it falls upon them to increase how often they get married. This should not present a problem with the modern convenience of divorce, which doesn’t seem to offend their pet spirit in the same way an incorrect marriage does. In fact, if one can get married to feed it, and divorced without incident, even one faithful couple could presumably fill their lord to bursting by getting divorced each morning and remarried in the evening. Careful timing could synchronise their wedding cake with dessert for each day’s dinner, providing a considerable saving in the daily as well as the divine food budget.

Of course, not all No campaigners find it so easy to get married. For some reason people prepared to put their own obscure theological definitions over other people’s happiness can have difficulty finding love. Others insist that only the fruitful union of a mother and a father to produce a child can appease them, but like all people of good character I tend to ignore those who publicly insult orphans and widows.

But in the interests of the common good I shall solve their problem. I humbly offer that those who wish to prevent people in love from sharing the joys of marriage can show their support for heterosexually-hearted relationships and procreation in the most direct possible way.

They can get married on their own, and fuck themselves.


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Ireland’s No Voters Start Campaigning Against Electricity

The group leading the No campaign in the Marriage Equality referendum today announced that they will also be voting to ban electricity.

“Far too many people are enjoying electricity in ways we don’t understand or appreciate,” said spokesperson Fuath Dúr, by the light of a whale-blubber lantern she held aloft in a darkened conference room. “Unnatural electricity can be used to transmit new information, to connect Ireland with the outside world, to improve the situation for everyone in the country, and is generally understood as one of the most basic signs of a civilized nation in the twenty-first century. In short, electricity is everything we’re opposed to.”

Further comments were cut off as the lantern set off the hotel’s fire alarm. This forced a massive public services response to her stupid insistence on backwards ideas. Scorched notes recovered from the room by emergency services were found to read “We already have natural animal fat”, “FEAR! FEAR OTHERS, DIVIDE YOUR LIFE INTO HATE AND OBEDIENCE!”, and “The sweet little innocent baby Jesus didn’t have electricity, did he now? Or married parents. But don’t think too hard about that bit.”

The Iona Institute was quick to support the initiative, because the private limited company been paid specifically to do so. “We fully support this initiative” said Iona Institute commandant Rabid Sin, who didn’t stop counting money during our entire interview. Great fat wodges of it. All in brown envelopes marked Tax Free Charity, Apparently, Please Laugh While Delivering To Bank. “We can confirm that the Iona Institute has used electricity to spread nothing but hate and suffering, and the sooner this problem is ended the better.”

The Institute could not be reached for follow-up questions, as they had been paid to lobby for their own organs to be stripped and recycled, and then immediately done so without a moment’s reflection or human thought.


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Irish Marriage Equality: Fixing the No Posters

The No campaign used their latest poster to piss all over single parents and orphans as well as gay couples, because pissing on disadvantaged groups is their entire and only deal. Which is why I fixed it for them.

time travel

dinner

facebook

yellow

stockmodel

thisbaby


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Ireland’s Abortion Laws Announced As Plot Of Next Saw Movie

Other Embarrassing Payments by RTÉ

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New Health Initiative “Just Happens” To Make More Shitloads More Money, Insists Government

“Most Irish adults drink too much and many drink dangerously” said Mr Vradakar, government-appointed Health Minister and self-appointed granny to every family in the country, introducing plans to raise the cost of drink. The new proposals would raise the minimum cost of wine and at least double the price of cheap beer.

He confirmed that fact Irish people are already drinking 20 pc less than five years ago, with a continual downward trend, was not having the desired effect government revenues. Health, he meant health.

“It is not anticipated that there will be any significant benefit to the Exchequer.” said Mr Vradakar. “Nearly doubling the price of things could never do that”, he presumably added, before equally presumably explaining that people with a habit lifetime habit of drinking will just stop immediately with no ill effects the moment it became a problem. So the new prices definitely weren’t targeting the poorest in society with increased government taxes.

When asked whether this deep concern for the public health wouldn’t be better served by increasing funding to substance abuse recovery and support services, or maybe increasing funding to desperately overloaded hospitals and emergency services, Mr Vradakar laughed. “No no no, increasing services and support for people costs money.” His voice adopted the tone of one explaining simplicity to a small child. “COSTS money. This MAKES money. MAKES GOOD. COSTS BAD.”

Mr Vradakar clarified that this attempt to end the pervasive, all-dominating influence of drink on Irish culture would in no way affect the pervasive, all-dominating sponsorship by drink of Irish sporting events.
“It is not this government’s intention to in hamper the freedoms or personal liberties of gigantic corporations. We’re only interested in targeting the poor.” he explained. “I’d have thought that was perfectly clear by now.”

Victims of the increased prices will however get something for their money. Cigarette packet-style health warnings on every can are expected to generate at least three million incidents of hilarious feckers slugging a can, then suddenly acting stunned and shouting “Jaysus, lads, this stuff’s bad for you!”


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Bank of Ireland Offers To Pay Nation’s Water Charges

Bank of Ireland today announced that it would like to pay the nation’s water charges. “Fundamental utilities required to maintain society are the whole point of tax, ” started the press release, “So we’re starting to feel sort of bad about taking it all during the bailout. We’d like to give something back. From executives being paid for screwing up, to people people who need to drink water to stay alive.”

“It’s not that we’re not grateful,” said spokesperson Eoin O’Lot at a press conference. “It’s just that, well, you know when you get a gift that’s just too much? And it makes you embarrassed? Well, imagine the government giving you three and a half billion euro as a reward for shitting every bed in the country, and then charging the people with nowhere to sleep for the water to wash the sheets. We managed to push through our shame back when we got the money, but we’d have to be some sort of artificial robot replacement for a lizard person pretending to be a sociopath to keep acting that way now.”

Every computer connected to the internet emitted a slight draught as Apple, Google, Twitter, facebook, Adobe, Microsoft, Starbucks, Yahoo!, General Electric, IBM, Pfizer Inc, and many more multi-billion dollar companies currently using Ireland to dodge the shit out of tax sighed in relief simultaneously. “That was a close one”, an executive was overheard to say, while waiting for the waiter to get back with some proper champagne. “Good thing they decided to extort their own citizens for the most fundamental necessity of life instead.”

Taoiseach Enda Kenny responded to repeated queries of “What the fuck have you been doing with all the tax money all this time if you can’t even keep the taps on?” by shrugging and miming hearing difficulties.


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