Total Psychopath Holding On To Red Shells in Eleventh Place

(Source: Nintendo)

(Source: Nintendo)

Police have been alerted to a dangerous individual holding on to three red shells despite being in eleventh place. The lunatic was last seen rounding the baggage claim in Sunshine Airport, and should be considered armed and extremely dangerous.

“The psycho’s just holding them!” according to our source in twelfth place. Who was quick to add that their current position was only due to a blue shell, a star, and a sequence of other drivers who can only be described as “every male offspring Canis Lupus ever produced”.

The demented driver shows no sign of improving their position by firing the red shells, instead seeming content to sit there defending the second worst position possible in the game. Our source further opined that this is the sort of person who would end up stabbing someone over a parking space and clearly needs to be bloody watched.

UPDATE: Police have been dispatched to arrest the driver on reports that they actually fired all three red shells backwards, and are therefore “at least a serial killer”.


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Democracy Ends In Response To Players Who Don’t Choose Tick-Tock Clock

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The political world was rocked yesterday by the revelation that, when given their own free choice, some Mario Kart 8 online players don’t choose Tick-Tock Clock.

“The great experiment has ended” said the last President of the United States, Barack Obama, speaking from an extraordinary and ultimate session of the G8. “The equal participation of all citizens in their own governance has been the cornerstone of the modern world. We always knew it would involve compromise. We accepted that some people would not feel ready to handle the sharp corners and exciting moving parts, preferring the clean lines of Delfino Airport, or even the sliding hairpins of Donut Plains 3. But when you have people inflicting rubbish like Moo Moo Meadows on each other, we need to face the painful truth that it isn’t working.”

The terminal Taoiseach, Enda Kenny, was overhead saying that he was surprised that they’d lasted this long, and that he felt sorry for whatever took over the hames he’d leave behind. Journalists report that President of Russia Vladimir Putin said not a word, and sat in silence, only smiling. After thinking about that for a moment, the journalists refused to give us their names, tore off their recording equipment and started running into the distance.


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