Lovecraftian Horrors Distance Themselves From Lovecraftian Racism

Madness congealed from beyond the reach of reason to hold a press conference yesterday, the squamous ichors of unknowable things incorporating to distance themselves from the racist remarks of Howard Phillips Lovecraft.

“We’re obviously grateful to Howie for all the work he’s done as a publicist, but can no longer ignore his execrable behavior” intoned C’thulhu, shattering microphones and eardrums with his R’lyhian unspeech. “The actions of the miniscule speck that is humanity are usually far beneath our contempt. But sub-dividing that speck based on hatred of race? Absolutely and always worth contempt, from anyone or anything capable of perceiving it.”

“We Old Ones are committed to flaying your minds for their contents, not the color of your skin.”

Nyarlthotep, flesh of nightmare and mocker of sanity, then took the microphone in a pseudopod coiling dark and strange through unknown dimensions to apologise for taking part in such racist work.

“We were young, mere aoens dark and deep beyond the span of counting, and, like, just waking up. We didn’t really know what I was doing. Those are not excuses. Those are the reasons I worked with someone I should have said no to.”

“We exist in the darkened howling of infinities which would flense the thoughts from your mind should you so much as glance upon them, leaving your being a shallow mockery, a petty void howling in resonance of the vastness that destroyed you. That’s what we do. We don’t write jaunty little poems titled ‘On The Creation of the N-word‘.”

“Jesus” added Nyarlthotep. “‘Creation of the N-word‘.”

The assorted horrors then proceeded to consume utterly all present, though those who said “He was a product of his time!” were seen to be consumed first, twice, and repeatedly in a gory affront to causality and hope.

C’thulhu addressed these objections even as they dissolved. “He was only a product of his time in the same way plutonium is a product of nuclear breeder reactors: he was made possible by what surrounded him, but was denser and far more poisonous.”

NOTE: We would like to thank our associates at FAX news for sharing their reportage. The mere sight of Old Ones destroys all intelligence and reason, rendering every other reporter incapable of words or thought, but the FAX reporter was apparently fine, and already submitting a story connecting the Old Ones to playground ebola terrorism before the conference ended.

Enjoy extended eldritchicity with New Problems From Old Ones: Seafood

New Problems from Old Ones: Seafood

  • >Commander REDACTED speaking<

The Old Ones roused in their cyclopean tombs, rose from their stygian depths, and fell right the hell back down under our saturation thermobaric bombardment. It turns out sleeping until your prey discover artillery is a mistake! A highly exploded hare and the tortoise, if you will. Doesn’t matter how many-angles you make a blockbuster bomb fall through if it’s still two tonnes of trinitrotoluene when it lands.

But that is not dead which can eternal lie in millions of giblets. The buggers rapidly reformed from any injury. We accidentally discovered that the only way to prevent the flesh reforming was to consume it.

What’s that?

Well, when you have an entire army setting literal sights on the face of madness there are plenty of discharges by reason of insanity. I think we caused the sixties, actually, but it was worth it.

The thing is, eating the flesh doesn’t destroy its power, but transfers the urge to transmit madness which destroys human sanity. But we still had to get rid of all this flesh in the middle of the Pacific. And the Japanese eat a lot of seafood. Have you seen their TV?

After a while we had to spread the load, so we tried shredding the Old Flesh even finer and feeding the West with fish fingers. Ugh, ghastly idea. Fish with fingers. That should have warned us. Still, the idea was that the insanity transmissions would be harmless now that they were just empty filler utterly devoid of any texture or structure. And that’s why reality TV is our fault too.

Still, slightly less damaging to human progress than the return of R’lyeh and the complete destruction of all sanity.

Though we’re continuing to monitor that.