Pacific Rim: How The Kaidanovskys Survived

Pacific Rim was a daring film in many ways, not least in how it focused on what were clearly intended to be supporting characters just so that the coolest kaijufuckers in all creation could get on with their jobs.

If a genie ever offers me the job, costume, body, or sex partner of my dreams, the answer will be the crew of the Cherno Alpha, and I don’t care which.

If a genie ever offers me the job, costume, body, or sex partner of my dreams, the answer will be the crew of the Cherno Alpha, and I don’t care which.

How did they survive being crushed and exploded and also drowned by Leatherback?

  • In that last shot she isn’t screaming as the water rushes in, she’s warning the god-damn Pacific to get the hell out of her mech. The exterior “explosion” is actually all the water rushing to obey as quickly as possible. They reboot what’s left of Cherno, grab the limb they lost, and beat Leatherback to death with their own giant severed arm.
  • The explosion blasts the pilots into Leatherback’s open mouth. From there they punch their way into an air bladder and concussively navigate Leatherback to the surface and also to death.
  • They reach through the acid-melted hole in the cockpit pod to tear strips off Leatherback and seal the rents. Making what’s left of Cherno seaworthy, they erect a sail of Leatherback-leather and sail into the distance and new adventures.
  • You know how that little Dutch boy plugged the hole in the dike? Kaidonovsky man is not little! He plugs the hole in the cockpit pod with his gigantically manly frame. Leatherback is too intimidated by the view to trouble them further.
  • Pressing the “emergency submergence” knob on their shoulderplate, the pilot suits deploys rebreathers, giving them plenty of time to get away. What, you thought their suits were covered in extra bits the other countries didn’t have for fun?
  • Glorious blonde hair doubles as signal flare, comrade! Range hundred miles! Even at bottom of Pacific! Rescue easy! We train hold breath all time.
  • They grit their teeth, grinding oxygen out of the water to breathe, and physical chemistry is simply too terrified to disagree. They swim out and destroy Leatherback hand-to-hand. We find that the Russian government had only constructed Cherno to contain the Kaidanovskys, not assist them, as they go on to defeat the world’s weakened armies and rule the planet, unifying it against all future threats.

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