Female Psychic Attack is written by Ross Jeffries, can be read online here, and on a parallel world where I invented English the word “Jeffries” means “creepy delusional.”
The very first word is “Bros”, and it’s the only time in history when talking about 80s sensations Matt and Luke Goss would be less embarrassing. Pluralizing “Bro” is bad; doing so in writing was once fondly thought impossible; but pretending to be a fratboy when you look like Popeye after a few years at Spinach-eaters Anonymous?
Ross was raised on a world of Amazonian warrior-bitches who sleep with M1 battle tanks, so he acts like every conversation is an arms deal with Ovarian separatists. That’s the sanest explanation for his crusade against the mind-altering evil of women. He also wages unending war against grammar, apostrophes, and captilization, but since he’s already declared the entire X chromosome his enemy those are only a minor skirmish. And expecting the author of a book about girls and their mind-blasting cooties to be good at communication is like demanding an Alien facehugger respect your personal space: by evolution, intent and sheer sucks-to-be-near-them they just can’t.
This article first appeared on Guyism.com, but the site reorganized. Read another of my Guyism articles here.
Pick Up Artists are what happen when nerds decide to get laid but forget to stop playing videogames first. They claim women can be reprogrammed into sex with complicated gambits which flip a set “attraction switches,” at which point they might as well say “I roll my twenty-sided dice for sex.” Flipping switches is how you open the secret door in Zelda, not panties, and we hereby apologize for unleashing that analogy upon this earth.
They use the phrase “neuro-linguistic programming” to cover how they think pickup lines don’t just work, but are the basis of an entire life strategy. The self-titled “seduction community” uses more acronyms than a World of Warcraft guild during tax season. As people who can talk to outsiders without filing Field Reports (FR, and yes, that’s one of their acronyms) we went through their lists of initials to find the five stupidest. But brace yourself: even FR, the idea of excitedly telling your internet friends about every single time you talk to a girl, didn’t come close to what’s on this list..